Hello Tangerine,
I have thought about suicide too, many times. I can't say I understand your situation because you are very different and unique. I too think that death is the ultimate resolution, if I end my life, everything would be solved.
But, I really wish you do not do that. I don't know you but from the little things that you wrote, I think you are a good person. The guilt you feel. You are good and beautiful. I am nobody and my words means nothing.
Please try to hold on.