I can never really explain how I feel inside, not to my councilor, my doctor, or on here. At moments like now i'll sit here and begin sobbing. My life is just a personal hell basically. I AM alone in the world. I always have been. I'm gods lonely man and i'm born to suffer it seems. At 20 years old my room is my sanctuary. I have no real friends to see, and not enough confidence to make any. I have no job or studies. The subject of a job is what caused me to break down again actually. I started signing on at the job centre which is a horrible place, but I later phoned someone there for advise because I don't think I can meet their requirements of x number of applications per week (I didn't have the balls to speak up when I was there). She mentioned asking for a sick note so I in effect ask for incapacity benefits (illness benefits). I've mentioned this to my dad and he'll hear nothing of it. Instead i'm told to lie on my form (like everyone else apparently) about me applying for jobs when i'm actually not. I'm not quite sure why this caused me to break down again. I think it's the fact it's brought it all home that i'm mearly 'existing' instead of 'living'. At 20 years old I should be having a wonderful time at but instead i'm isolated and dragging myself to a place each week where the people are horrible and i'm lying through my teeth. I feel like a quiet lost soul whose being pushed around from pillar to post by society. It's the definition of my life. Where do I go from here, I don't know. I don't know how much more I can take.