Is my life really worth it anymore?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DraculKuroHemming, May 13, 2010.

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  1. I know... common title for suicidal issues. However, I have been finding it fitting. Let me start by explaining my issues.

    I am 19 years old and I am living with my oddly built family. I live with my Dad (birth), Kristi (ex-step mom I never really knew while she was step-mom), Jerry (Kristi's husband), my two brothers (from my father's side), my sister (also from dad's side), and recently added to the household, my cousin (again from dad's side). So I suppose for now I will explain the issues that I have with each person.

    -My issue with him (besides the fact that I didn't get to know him much until I was forced to move in with him when the house me and my mother lived in got foreclosed on) is that at the start of this year, he pretty much forced a move on me up from South Mississippi to North Arkansas. The thing that pisses me off is that he just decided. He might have talked to his wife (Christy) or his step-daughter (Darion) some about it... but I was never informed or sat down to discuss it or asked how I felt about it or anything. I only went on what I heard. Besides that, up here in Arkansas, he is like Hell at times. He has gotten onto my brother (13) multiple times over using words like "flippin'" instead of "f*ckin'". And I am always able to hear the arguments that go on. It pisses me off listening to the way he tries to parent which I don't agree with.
    -Honestly, I do not really have much issues with her. I think at times she's the only one who I can talk to at times.
    -This guy has some annoyances. I can understand trying to help my health and all, however, I don't eat certain things and yet he wastes food by putting it on my plate. He also has an issue thinking he knows things when he doesn't. He does keep me calm at times, but honestly... I could do without him.
    Brother 1 (10 years old):
    -My brother is a bit of an annoyance. He is a video-gamer like me. However, he takes his Action Replay and hacks it so much. He also asks me for help without trying to figure it out himself. He has even hacked his game straight from the start. He is basically one who doesn't want to take his time. In the household, he is pretty much a crybaby. If he starts to get in trouble, he starts to cry and Kristi lets up on him and doesn't really punish him or anything. He is also one who lacks the knowledge of privacy. He barges into my room (I will explain why I don't just lock my door in a bit) without knocking just wanting to hang out when I am trying to do private stuff.
    Brother 2 (13 years old):
    -This brother adds on to my stress levels. He is similar to Brother 1 in privacy. But he doesn't barge into my room as much. Instead, he has a habit of just peering into my window a lot looking in and seeing what I'm doing and stuff. He is also one who will just say. "Let's go walk up to the Dollar Store." He thinks that I will just go with him anywhere since Kristi won't let him go anywhere. He also has a habit of doing what he wants most of the time such as storming out of the house to "cool off" even though he was told not to go out.
    Sister (15 year old):
    -My sister is pretty much a pregnant cat. She likes to think she's a queen. If things don't go her way, she b!tches like crazy until things do go her way. She stays texting on her phone almost 24/7. If she get's in trouble or is close to, her phone is the first thing threatened to be taken away. However, it never is because she seems to be kept on a pedestal. She has to pretty much have things her way as if her life is Burger King ("Have it your way.")
    Cousin (17 year old):
    -Honestly, she is new in the household and I haven't had much to deal with her.

    So, basically that is my issue with each person I am stuck living with. Now for living arrangements:

    The house I live in is basically a small house. They can say its big, but when you have (now) 8 people living in it... it isn't that big. We have 4 dogs that run about the house as well. One of them is a husky that basically sheds on everything, so my favorite color (black) can hardly be worn in the house which is annoying for me. We also have a big bug issue. We have cobwebs in a bunch of different areas. Ants and roaches can easily get in at the smallest of cracks.

    As for my room, the main place I spend my time... It pissed me off when I first saw it. It is a small (like 12'x6') room. I am literally crammed in here like a sardine. My computer desk (a simple fold table) and computer itself is set up right by my bed. I literally can just lay down and work on my computer. Because of it. I have very little room to put my stuff. I had to actually convert the top of my dresser to my altar since having it erected keeps me semi-calm. (Yes, I am a Wiccan). To top things off on this... privacy is the worst. My bedroom has a window but no curtain. So I can't block it off. And to boot on that, when my brothers kept knocking on the outside of my window to mess around with me, I snapped and slammed the window. So now it hardly closes properly. As for the door to keep the younger bro out, that's a no-go since my door is nothing more than a blanket. The room literally has no door. The family said they would get a door... but that was back in February. So I am unable to keep my brothers nor the dogs (one of which comes in and pisses in my room, another came in and snatched a plushie of a wolf my best friend that I had to leave gave me, and the husky likes to jump on my bed and think its her's) out of my room.

    As for jobs... Since I don't have a license (due to my driving phobia), I can't really get around. And seeing as how my job record is very little, its hard to get any job here. My family has told me to call places every morning asking about it. However, that is now how I am. It is not in my nature to keep pestering.

    To boot, ever since I came up here, I've been feeling sick and horrible. You see, I have a pretty bad case of diarrhea and all. Basically I've had it for a while. I've done Symptom Checker searches to look it up. However, what I've seen and how I already felt about doctors and stuff keeps me from going to the hospital to have it checked out.

    So, now about what I had to give up when I moved...

    I first lived right on the coast for my life. Back in first grade, I had an accident and became a loner until sixth grade where I finally started to open up a little and made a friend who is now my best friend. I did fairly well, even after my granddad had a stroke and his entire left side was paralyzed. I had even joined band since music was something I really enjoyed. Hurricane Katrina then came however, and things in school got worst afterwards. Grades stayed pretty good, but I missed so many days. They let it slide in tenth grade, but in eleventh, I failed because of it... and after three months in my second year of eleventh, I had so many absents again. At this time, I was hiding myself. I hadn't discovered my path for Wicca but was instead a pretty good Baptist Christian kid thanks to the club I had at school and stuff. I also kept myself hidden in terms of Sexuality. I had discovered I was a homosexual before Katrina. But I kept myself hidden because I was afraid of being picked on so much I would want to drop out anyway.

    Even after dropping out, I was doing good, mentally. However, our house got foreclosed on and I was forced to move 45 minutes away from the coast to live with my dad and his wife. I was already having issues then because that meant that I could hardly see my best friend. However, I still got to visit him sometimes depending on ride issues and such. During this time, I started to discover something else about my friend. That I might have actually loved him. I had told him that I was gay back when I was at school. HOwever, I didn't have the courage to tell him face-to-face, so I wrote him a note in last period and gave it to him by the buses, telling him not to open it until he got home and stuff. He was alright with it. However, during those visits, We started to relax around with each other. I won't go into detail for obvious reasons, but due to stuff, I thought I might have had a chance with him. Unfortunately for me, he's straight. We still remained friends though, but at times I wonder if I did the right thing still keeping in contact with him even though I still harbor those same feelings even now, if not they've just grown.

    When I was forced into this move up here, I was plummeted into yet another new life. Sure I made a couple of friends local up here, some of which who are even gay. However, knowing that I can't even see my best and first friend I had ever since my miserable accident in first grade brings me to tears so much. We still talk to each other over instant messenger. I can't talk to him on the phone since I no longer have my own phone. We do fantasy roleplays with each other. When I lived with my dad and his wife, we did them over the phone since I did have the privacy there. However, up here, we've been forced to do them over messenger. But lately, things have gotten to when we don't do it as much. We hardly talk anymore. And at times I start to wonder if he even wants to talk to me anymore. I worry at times that back when I had an argument with him, if I made the right decision deciding to still keep in contact even though I loved him but knew that I couldn't be with him like that.

    Overall, I just don't know how much more of this I can handle. My father doesn't even care. He was the one that plummeted me into this despair. Before I did a Google search for Suicide Forums, I was talking to my plushie that my best friend gave me, just crying about everything since I felt like I needed to discuss it outloud. I had even told my plushie, pretending it was my dad, that I am going to pack up my stuff. That way, they will be ready for two things... either my depression drives me to the point to grab certain needed things and walk all the way back down to South Mississippi, or to the point that at least it will all be packed for them to put up when I'm laying on my bed in a pool of blood that is spewing from my chest thanks to the throwing star/athame I own (Wiccan tool).

    I am sorry for the long thread, but I just wanted to explain as much as I can. If you have any other questions about this or that, ask and I will answer, (and maybe edit if I can to this post... I am new here and don't know for sure if you can edit posts...)
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just wanted to say hi and let you know I've read your post.

    Have you applied for any jobs? I know it's not easy to get around without being able to drive (I don't drive either). Is there any form of public transportation near you?

    You said you don't want to pester about jobs, but sometimes you really do need to call and check on the status. It's the only way they know you're truly interested. It seems like if you could even get a part-time job, you could solve some of your issues by being able to buy a door and a curtain for your room.

    It's really worth going to the doctor too, to find out what might be causing the diarrhea.
  3. in answer to your question...yes, the mere fact alone that you are 19 darn sure makes like worth living!

    try this site. it could be your answer
  4. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    For some reason I empathize very much with your situation. I respect wiccans and consider myself an occultist. 19 is such a young age. I'm 24 and still no job living with my mum.Things look bleak for me but I see that as no excuse. Although I do have suicidal thoughts often, I make a note to see the preciousness of like and continue to experience and live the best I can. However many flaws I have as a person. Your living arrangements are challenging but think of the positives. There is always positives to look up to and always there is people worse off than you.

    I would keep going and see what life has in store for you. You have plenty of time yet and soon enough you will experience more things that you will enjoy. In my day when I was young, there was no internet or phone so I lost the one true person I really loved when I moved. I regret it even today not getting the address and staying in contact. It was really silly of me because she lived right next door.

    I wouldn't mind getting your msn and talking some more. Just remember that there is people out there for you and your yet to experience what life has to offer. I'm glad you came to this forum and wish you all the best.
  5. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    I come from a large dysfunctional family so I hear where you're coming from. The lack of privacy is hell and you really need to get a curtain up to give you some privacy in your least you have a room to yourself even if it is tiny............

    Keep talking on here, I'm new and I've found this forum really helpful..........big hug...........shaz
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sounds like the main negative force in your life is your family. Why not work towards getting out on your own?
  7. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    aye...great advice. You have yet to begin your life. Once you move out and do your own me things will change for the better.
  8. I have applied for multiple jobs (there are a bunch of fast food joints all on the same road... about a 45 minute walk from my place). There aren't any public transportation units here.

    Its hard for me to call to check on the status because I don't want to seem like I am needy or something. Just part of my nature. If I could get cash... a door and curtain would be first on my list...

    I know I need to go to the doctor's... but my issue is fear... I am worried that they are going to tell me things like its incurable and stuff... and I also don't want to hear the same stuff repeated to me about being a BL Diabetic and that I need to start eating vegetables and junk.
  9. Well... my issue is that even though I stay in contact and stuff... I think that since I've been starting to be a bit more open about my sexuality stuff and all... he's drifting away like he doesn't want to know me or something. Its been a big worry.

    As for my MSN, send me a private message and I'll give it to you.
  10. I know... but it is so hard when I have no money... and my nature prevents me from moving in with some furry friends (part of the Furry Fandom... so yeah, I am a buffet of torture with my weight, paganism, homosexuality, and furry) because I don't want to be a bother for them.
  11. Well... my issue with my tiny room is I can't even really walk around much... and when I am thinking of story ideas or am trying to calm my head, I normally like to either walk around, or have a spot set up where I can sit on a pillow and meditate with some candles and incense lit up. However, I can't sit up in a meditative position on my bed and there is hardly space on the floor to sit on.
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    and I also don't want to hear the same stuff repeated to me about being a BL Diabetic and that I need to start eating vegetables and junk.

    But if it's being repeated to you, there's obviously a reason, and it's something you should probably take seriously.
  13. I know... but I've maintained my health for the most part just fine. My sugar levels have stayed balanced. When my family got told last time that I was a BL Diabetic, they tried to force a sudden change onto my diet and lifestyle and I got to feeling worse health-wise instead of better. And I refuse to let myself go through that again.
  14. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Just a thought, I moved into a small bedroom and well I don't sleep but I also spend a lot of time in my room. Instead of getting a bed, I got a futon which I can collapse down in one movement this meant I had somewhere to sleep/sit and also created more floor space so I didn't feel so trapped if that makes sense-just a thought
  15. isocial

    isocial Active Member

    When you are looking at a mist from a distance, road is not clear. If you stand there, wondering how you can move ahead without seeing the road, you would end up standing there only. But if you venture to take a few steps into the mist, you will see the road ahead, bit by bit and you can move inch by inch. And lo, the mist starts clearing.

    You have no rights to end your life
  16. unfortunately, I don't know where to get a futon, and my family would be annoyed with me having to bring my (full) bed out and finding a Futon... plus I have a habit of moving around, plus I use my bed as my chair or whatever to work at my computer.
  17. Great... just my luck... I am normally a night owl, shich is why I usually post so late in the day (that is in CST). Now, however, Jerry A. has decided to keep the internet shut of at 10pm, so me making contact here at my normal time, which is when everyone in this house is asleep so they don't hear me when I do my little rants to myself, will be pretty much impossible. I can't stand this house at times. I am not a daytime person like others. And they just don't get it.
  18. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hmm that sucks it was just a thought though I mean I tend to sit on mine like now and then when I feel sleepy which is normally quite late I just curl up on it and tend to drift of it was just a thought:i'm sorry:

    As far as the job concerns go, is there anything like short courses you could apply for (even online) to help improve your chances? might also help you keep you busy
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