The thing is, I don't hate her. But I can't say that I really love her either. Most of my memories with her is just her yelling at me. She puts me down and makes me feel like shit. She tells me that i'm pathetic and i won't succeed in life. Yelling at me calling me lazy, ugly, and an embarrassment to be around. I hate to admit it, but she's mostly the reason why I have so many problems. She's the reason why I isolate myself always being afraid what others think. I'm always trying to find ways to avoid her since I can't talk to her for 10 minutes without her yelling at me for something. And its not just me, its my whole family. I hate the way she treats us. Like she's the ruler and we're all peasants with no feelings. I seriously have no idea how my dad deals with her. Today, she is where she really got me. I'm agender, panromantic and asexual. But, I really love dressing masculine. I have a lot of gender dysphoria with my female body that its unbearable. Everyday I look into the mirror and just break down in tears staring at my breasts and long hair. I hate them so much. I've been asking my mom to let me be able to cut my hair short for years to look more masculine, but every time i even bring up the topic of hair, it always turns into an argument. Today, she started yelling at me and said "what!?!? you want to look like a BOY???? Is that it!?! But you're a GIRL!! but thats UGLY? everyones going to make fun of you! you're going to be the center of attention? What are you some stupid lesbian?? HUH? Don't make me mad. Thats pathetic. It makes me very sad that when I look at your friends they all look so grown up wearing heels and make up and dresses. And yet here you are asking to get some boy haircut. If you were a boy then of course! But you're not! Stop wearing your stupid raggedy hoodies and sweats and dress like a girl! Cause thats what you are!! You need to look pretty if you want to get anywhere in life. This better be some dumb teenage phase. Maybe you need therapy cause thats not normal." The worst part is that she was telling me this in the car where i couldn't leave. I was shaking and i'm pretty sure one side of my neck is red from where i grabbed it so hard. Then, a few hours later she always acts like she did nothing???? As if she didn't just give me the biggest fucking panic attack i've had all week. I really don't know whats wrong with me? I don't understand why the sex I was born with has any saying in how I have to dress and act. It just makes no sense to me. It doesn't help that she's basically a broken record, repeating everything over and over and over again. It's seriously slowly driving me insane. I tell her to stop repeating things, but then she says "but if i don't repeat things then you won't do it" which is NOT TRUE. Its gotten to the point where just hearing her voice gives me a headache cause everything is just so repetitive that i can't take it anymore. I can't take her yelling or this stupid gender dysphoria anymore. I just want to be myself, but I can't cause i'm always wrong. "mother knows best" apparently. I hate myself for feeling this way. She gives me food and a habitat. She does my laundry and cleans. Sometimes, we have fun and go out somewhere. Without her, this house would be chaos. She calls me very ungrateful when i try and tell her to leave me alone, and maybe she's right? I don't know. She says she loves me and that I am her blood, but is constantly insulting and yelling at me to the point where i panic and self harm or feel unbearably suicidal. She somehow turns arguments around to make it seem like everything is my fault. Its my fault that she can't accept me and i'm not the daughter she wanted. I can't talk to anyone about this. Not even the school councilor. My mom is very familiar with the teachers and are friends with a lot of them. Anyways, thanks for reading this. It felt better to type this out.