is not for attention then....

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by jane doe, May 22, 2007.

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  1. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    sitting again looking for some reason to stop myself from cutting, i find out that i don´t do this for attention, at least not now. my boyfriend is completing ignoring my scars, he has seen them but he doesn´t mention the subjet anymore, i really don´t know if he does´t care about what am i feeling anymore, or if he´s tired of it, or if he is igniring them because he wants to know if i will stop doing it if he doesn´t mention them anymore.
    the fact:i feel more free if he´s not behind my back, and i´m hurting myself more than before, because there´s no one to hide scars from. so i feel better when i do it, and it´s more satisfaying for me . god !!! i even bought surgery blades, that let me cut easier and faster. i knwo if i still in this rithm i´ll kill myself faster that i tought. and i know i won´t be able to stop myself, to go away from this feeling of emptiness. this is something from liking park i felt so near of me
    "Half the words don't mean a thing,
    And I know that I won't be satisfied"
    and i think is this the way i feel since i´ve started almost 4 years ago.
  2. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    hey miss jane...

    ...i have a few guesses about your boyfriend not talking about your cuts.
    1. maybe he's too hurt that you still feel bad enough cut yourself.
    2. ...maybe he's started cutting, too..? (awful thought!! but maybe..?)
    3. maybe he's given up on talking about it because nothing has changed...

    in all honesty and obviousness, he shouldn't have to talk about them because they shouldn't be there...but they are and...:( yeah.

    :hug: times a million, miss jane.

    you don't have to feel empty. please don't.

    hope to talk to you soon. :/
    - Henry
  3. Tara

    Tara Guest

    oh darling :arms:

    i really dont know what to say, but i guess Henry said all the right things.

    thinking of you :hug:
  4. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    thank you , really, but i think it´s because i told him, once (before i started again ) that i was making a really big effort to not do it, and may be he may think that my scars shows my continue fight against it. But i quit it some time ago, and to say the truth i preffer what hi is doing, because the pain i´m feeling grows when we talk about it, especcialy when he says that i´m hurting him too.I feel less guiltyhat way. thank you really, i know i can trust in you people when i need it, and i want you to know that i´m here for you too
  5. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    cutting is so addictive and the scars they take so long to heal or maybe I'm just not good at healing. I broke my promise and started cutting again two days ago. ^_^
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    you still ca avoid from cutting, i´ve been about 3 months without doing it, you need to fill your day with activities, you´ll be so tired at night, it will be a little bit easier. try not to do it tonight, at least, think that if now the scars take so long to heal,think when your arms are full of them, thakes more time. and sometimes the scar doesn´t dissapear because the skin is too ripped. and you will be sorry for it.

    Anyway welcome to the forum, you´ll find this place reconforting, you´ll see
  7. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    I've gone 3 weeks at month w/ out it. the scars are so hideous. bleh. currently I have..26 scars visible. I'll try ...going to someone's house I guess...get away from my own thoughts.
  8. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    try not to be alone, be with someone all the time, watch a movie or better go to the cinema, go out for a coffee, or just to walk, go away, not to far away, just the enough to run away once again
  9. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    do you ever pretend to be rly happy when you're around those ppls tho? b/c..everyone thinks you're so preppy and cute? and then when they don't see how much you suffer...the numerous cuts on your arm...the pain gets just a little deeper, your heart..just a little bit colder...wanting that deep sleep forever??
  10. Tara

    Tara Guest

    see the thread about masks! we all do it :hug:

    is there anything we can do to help? you should make a thread over in the let it out part and shout and scream and get it all out. it helps me! :arms:
  11. kirakyoumou

    kirakyoumou Well-Known Member

    that's the problem I guess. I'm not rly an angry type. when I'm hurt...all I do is wallow in my misery. and I'll push ppls away and they'll get hurt...bleh
  12. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    hi, it´s me again,telling you to hang on, no matter how many people you must hide yourself from, no matter how many time it takes you, hang on, fight with the urge, fight with that burning wish that fills you on the inside, don´t let this shit wins you,don´t let it become a part of your day, and night. Don´t be like us, like me, don´t wait untill you feel used toit to stop, now that is bothering you, you can stop it, you cando iy, i´m talking from the depths of my soul when i write, i don´t want this for anyone else, is not good now, it won´t get any better, you can be sure of it, we´ve been there, you can look for some help, even if you don´t want it, even if it takes a really big effort on your part. But please don´tfeel you´ll do it only when you´re sad, because you won´t. Take care and be serious with this. i´m here
  13. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    my roommate used to chide me when he saw cuts on me. instead of making me feel cared for, it made me feel like a miserable wretch and just drove me to find different places on my body to cut so i didn't have to deal with his commentary. i don't do it for the attention ... i do it because sometimes it's just such a magnificent release and makes me feel like the world is bearable again. i know many would disagree, but ... it's just a feeling. i don't feel like it has taken over my life ... much less so than other things. it's almost as if the last resort release when i can make no progress and i feel everything is spiralling out of control faster than i can manage. i suppose it's a feeling of control that i seek and find in cutting. no surprises there. but it's anything BUT the attention. i don't want attention. in fact i rather like my secret pain. at least it's physical and lets me forget about the innter emotional turmoil for a while. if THAT makes any sense.
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