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I's really wonderful

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Not Worthy, Nov 16, 2009.

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  1. Not Worthy

    Not Worthy Guest

    When no one cares. (and no, I do not want ANYONE to say they care, because that's not what this post is about, and it would be fake anyway, I guess I actually just want someone to hear how truly alone I feel and how hard life is right now).

    So you're probably thinking 'oh, an emo', but I really feel like no one cares (talking about those in 'real life'-professionals and family- and those who I thought were 'friends' on the web-I have no friends in 'real life').

    Yes, I can see that my parents care on a very basic level, they let me live here and stuff.

    Right now, I'm physically pretty ill.

    I am severely, severely anaemic. My level is 5.8 (it should be over 11.5, anything under 7 they transfuse, anything under 5 can kill you).

    This is down to an unknown cause, although, as I have told the docs, I think it is due to an undiagnosed bowel condition because I've been having all sorts of problems.

    Now, I asked for the blood test, because despite doctors acknowledging I am very pale, no one would test me.

    Had the test, results came back, the doctor said if he was doing his job probably he would admit me but he knows I don't want that (h told me that, I didn't have a say). And that was it. No talk about finding what is wrong with me, no talk about finding other ways to lift my levels (I can't take the iron tablets due to being completely phobic about being sick and the iron tablets always upset my stomach). No actually giving a fuck.

    My mum knew I had had the blood test, yet she didn't bother to ask about the results.

    This is just one tiny part, and just the most recent that is yet again cementing that no one gives a flying fuck.

    I've always tried to be a good person, tried to help others, tried to just be the best person I could, but whatever I do it won't actually change the inner worthlessness that is inside, the inner evil, the inner scum, the inner nasties.

    I guess really I just feel like I am completely alone here. I am completely alone and having to fight for my life, by myself (yet in the past when I have failed at suicide suddenly people do pretend to care).

    I'm getting more bitter, and more twisted and more angry.

    I'm just so painfully alone.
  2. Not Worthy

    Not Worthy Guest

    Oh, and the title was supposed to be 'It's really wonderful' because I am certainly NOT wonderful. :|
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am truly sorry you feel so alone...I know how devastating that feels...you said in cyber, ppl have also not been trustworthy...we have a lot of ppl here...please continue to look for someone who can be there for you...big hugs, J
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Is it possible for you to see a new doctor? The one you have sounds like a waste.

    I'm really sorry you feel so alone. I hope you'll stay here and try to make some friends. You can PM me anytime if you feel like talking.
  5. Not Worthy

    Not Worthy Guest

    Thank you both :)

    I am a long term, yet sporadic member here. I just didn't feel able to post under my actual name.

    I have become, I think, my own self fulfilling prophecy when it comes to people. I expect them to not care, and then when they do something I could interpret as that, it just proves me right. No one can actually get through that because even though I know there are other reasons people may do things like this (reasons unrelated to me), it doesn't change what happens in my head and all rational thought goes out my mind.

    I 'know' no one cares, and so push and push until I'm proved right, or else just withdraw from people (due to mental state) and when I am feeling more like myself and better, and no one has 'bothered' to see if I'm ok, that, again 'proves' that no one cares. I don't withdraw for attention or to test people, but when it happens and I feel better I end up feeling more angry and bitter with people.

    That's a horrible confession. I'm sorry for being me.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's not a horrible confession, and you don't have to apologize for being you.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    If you need to apologize for the truths you have had the courage to post about with the things in your life and about your own behaviour then there are a lot of us that should be standing in line to do the same. You are you and it is not all from your own doing. So please dont be so hard on yourself. There are a lot of people in your life that are just as responsible for the way you are feeling. And you dont see them beating themselves up over it. So dont do it to yourself. You have enough people in your life that seem to be able to do that for you.

    Being alone with so many things in your life would make even the strongest people feel the same way you do right now. So dont feel guilty for your feelings. I think there would be something wrong if you didnt feel angry, hurt and bitter. You've been hurt. And others dont want to recognize that. So it pushes you even further. But you dont have to be alone when it comes to talking about how you truly feel. You're a member here so you know that you can talk and not be judged here. So vent, scream, stomp your feet here. Get it out the best you can. And atleast here people will hear you and not turn away. Drop me a pm if you want to talk. As you can see, I really like to "chat" (lol). Help in anyway I can. :arms:
  8. Not Worthy

    Not Worthy Guest

    Thank you so very much.

    Those words were very validating. You're right that I have been hurt. I've been hurt by everyone who was supposed to not hurt me (emotionally I'm talking here, not any other way). It's shaped my beliefs about people and each minor knock cements it, but the positives where people DO show they care, don't cancel it out.

    The worst knock came from a therapist earlier this year and its damaged me probably more than anything else has in terms of people letting me down, making me feel worthless, etc. Then another therapist cemented it further.

    I think venting about all this would help, but I don't even know how to do that. How to be truly honest. I feel like I need to tell everyone who has hurt me, but then I never would do that.

    I have a psych assessment on Friday (first one for over a year) and I'm already angry at them for not caring and not being able to help. That will be a self fullfilling prophecy too, but I'm going to try and tell them that.

    Just thank you. Thank you for hearing-all of you.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It's really much easier than you think. You let the feelings out, let the words into your head and put your fingers over the keyboard. The rest will just happen. It doesnt matter in what order the thoughts and feelings come out. Or if it makes any literary sense. It only has to make sense to you. And the peculiar thing about posting here is that somehow others seem to be able to make sense of your words. I think that is because they are written from pain and feelings, somethings we all know too much about. But you will get the thoughts out. That's whats important.

    And let it rip about the anger for other people. They may never read it, but writing it out is just as theraputic. Maybe even better because you get to say what you truly need to say with no fear of backlash, being ignored or just sheer ignorance. It helps to lessen your load a bit.

    And posting your inner demons gives you a little self confidence. It helps you to realize that you are better than the thoughts and pain that others put in you. That you can fight it on some level.

    Whatever or however you decide to write it is just fine. The person it is most important to is you. If others can see the pain and help you through it that's actually a bonus. You might want to start your own diary in the SF member diaries. It is nice because others cant reply but they can still read and understand. And you may even help another member by sharing some of your experiences, in letting them know they arent as alone as they thought. So please keep posting and take a step towards helping yourself.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    If you think venting would help, then it's worth a try. Just start writing, write whatever pops into your head. There will be someone listening.

    And it's okay to be angry. People have hurt you, and you have a right to your feelings and emotions.
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