I've been posting here a couple days now. This is the suicidal thoughts and feelings section so here are mine. Committing suicide is a solution. Most would argue that's it's not a good one. There is the argument that you only have one life, and throwing it away is always a bad option, etc. But, what if going forward is even a worse option? While true know one knows the future, there comes a point when you decide it's not worth it. In my case, I have a pretty good idea what's to come. So I say, that's it I am done. So I researched the web and found the best and least painful way to do it. Put together the parts I have at home and ordered what I am missing. Now I wait for the missing parts and practice for the big day when I have everything I need. How nuts is that? Do I practice to make sure I do it correctly or because I try to get reassurance from the "ritual" that the pain will soon be over? I think a little bit of both. I actually do have a slight chance to pull it out. Honestly, and I think I am being honest with my self, my technology looks like it may be able to do what I told this large company it can do, barely. But even if it works as promised the battle is too great. I don't have the energy to fight it. So I am back to practicing my suicide waiting for the final parts. There are three ways this is going to end: 1. I do it and I am dead the world goes on without me. 2. I continue to do nothing but run in circles, soon the world around will close in on me and make decisions for me. 3. I go after the deal, as bad as the odds are, and fail and end at 1. above, or I get some type of success and move on with life. My true believe is that the deal will fail so why bother. So that's where I am at either 1 or 2 above. 2 is not very attractive so that leaves 1. I am right back where I started.