I dont know where to start. im in my mid 20s i have a decent job, a new truck, and a new apartment, but it means nothing to me. No material does or money. My whole life all Ive ever tried to do is help people with their problems unfortunately i kept my problems to myself it made things alot easier but now I have issues opening up to people. I have a history of drug use which is how i solved my problems, by escaping them however its getting worse and they dont really help anymore. I dont understand how people can deal with the bs that life hands them while theres a way to escape it. Ive destroyed any relationship ive been in due to lying about my problems or my drug use. Not to mention im somewhat of a sociopath. When it comes to women I actually do listen and care, but I say all the things they want to hear or what I think they need to hear to get them to fall in love with me and im really good at it but it makes the relationship almost meaningless. Which is why i avoid dating because its not fair to them, but sometimes a relationship just kinda falls into my lap. I recently overdosed on painkillers, not intentionally! But it seems like thats the way I would go if I decided to do it. I cant be a drug addict and help people at the same time or i lose my friends and family. Im not happy at all and I have no energy left to give to change it, im alone and I cant take much more. I just wanna take the easy way out and skip all the bs life has in store for me. Ive been thinking about overdosing with a lethal dose since i overdosed and ruined my latest relationship/best friend. I even bought more pills so I could try but I just took enough to get high instead. Im known for my smile because all I do is smile well no one knows that Its a bad habit for me. I learned a long time ago if you smile people never ask whats wrong now I cant stop and all I do is smile. When i cant do drugs at work I daydream its the only thing thing that gets me by. I pretend my life is perfect. But its not and I know its uncertain but Im a gambler Ill take my chances on the afterlife being perfect My mind is all over the place I really need to vent this even if it doesnt make sensem since I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I dont know what anyone will get out of this.