Is there a way out?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by butterflies32, Jun 3, 2008.

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  1. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I feel so messed up. Everything I do is haunted by those two separate sundays. I think my family think I have got over it but it is not something you can get over. I do not see this person anymore but he is still around. I cannot go into town incase he sees me or I see him. A lot of the time he is there and I do not see him but he sees me. It hurts to know that he is perving on me...still out there free having got away with what he did to me. Him and his sister lied and now I have no way of being able to live a normal life. Instead I live one of fear. I feel that this is not something that I can survive. I cannot get him off me at night and I see him everywhere even if that person is not him. He is in the mirrors behind me...in and on me at night. How will I ever be free of him?:sad:

    The truth is I do not think that in my head I will ever be free of him. I always said that it is him or me. If he is not jailed then I die. If I cannot kill him then I die. I cannot do either to him so it is me.

    I cannot smile he has made sure of that, my eyes do not shine like they did before I was taking premeturally from my childhood. I am not the bubbly happy person that I am ment to be and was. 6 full years I had my childhood my 7th year I was made to grow up to keep this shameful secret.

    The secret that I would not wish on anyone.

    Sam
    x
     
  2. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    dear sam sweety,

    You are so brave coming foward and reaching out after this horrible thing has happened to you. I wish so much i could take it away and make you feel safe again.

    Truth is your attacker has taken something from you, it happens to all people who have been hurt. But this isnt gone forever. It will take alot of time and it will be a long fight but you can surive this and learn to live and be happy again.

    He has already taken so much from you. You need to try and move on and stop him taking anymore from you. I will help, as much as i possibly can.

    thinking of you sweetheart :hug:
     
  3. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Diluted angel,

    I know you will I am just finding all this hard and I do not know how to accept it. It has become apart of me and my relationships with people are forged because of it. I tried to fight back by going to the police and that went no where. It is all making me so low. I just cannot cope with it anymore.

    I hope I can be happy one day but at the moment I do not see that from happing.

    Take Care

    Sam
    x

    p.s. I really appreciate ur support.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2008
  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    hun,

    i so know its not easy. You are doing amazing just by reaching out and carrying on with surviving.

    You contacted the police? thats so amazingly brave in itself. It makes me supermad when i hear the police havent treated you well. it takes so much for someone to step forward and then you dont even get the support you need. its a bloody outrage it really is.

    you are truly a fighter and an inspiration.

    Have you ever spoken to anyone about this? maybe victim support or a councellor? it sounds like you need help with the memories.

    he has already taken to much for you. You are a complete sweetheart and i promise you things will get better. its going to take time but it will happen.

    Thinking of you
    :hug:

    p.s - thank you for your support too :)
     
  5. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    I have tried talking to a counsellor but so far no one seems to know how to help me. My psychiatrist has put me on a waiting list for psychotherapy believing that it will help me and enable me to talk. I do not want to blame all my problems on the past but I can not help but feel that I would not be like this if my past did not happen.

    Thank you babes.

    Sam
    x
     
  6. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    hey hun,

    im glad you are on the waiting list. breaking through the memories will be a massive step towards healing.

    please dont beat yourself up about blaming the past. id estimate around 90% of the people here have been traumatised in the past in one way or another. As much as we run away from it, the past has a horrible habit of catching up on us all.

    I hope you will be able to try and face it straight on, and heal little by little. i know its scary, but thats the only way.

    :hug:

    your a true star hunny

    xxxxx
     
  7. Hillcrest

    Hillcrest Member

    What happened is undoubtedly terrible beyond words, and I want you to know I'm not trying to minimize what happened in any way whatsoever, it's simply that what I'm about to say may help you come to terms with the pain you've been caused.

    For years I felt disgusted, betrayed and ultimately valueless because of an ongoing abusive circumstance that occured when I was a child. It led to severe anger problems and social anxiety, until I was able to come to terms with it, by acknowledging that those years of my life were no reflection on me or my character, simply my being in the wrong place at the wrong time, a cause-and-effect scenario where there really was no other outcome given my lack of ability to keep it from happening. The same is true for you. Even though this horrible situation has presented itself to you, you are separate from it, and everyone that matters knows you are worth being there for.
     
  8. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    Hopefully the therapy will help me move on. I cannot help but blame myself something is telling me it does not matter how old I was I still could have stopped it even if it was by mentioning it to someone. If only I did not believe what he said.

    Hillcrest - I do not understand how what happened is separate from how I am now. I feel like it has everything to do with how I am now. Can you explain more?

    Sam
    x
     
  9. Hillcrest

    Hillcrest Member

    I mean that in the sense that, although something terrible has happened to you, it didn't occur because of who you are as a person. And so far as you're not telling anyone, you can't blame yourself. I didn't tell anyone until I was in my teens, and only then because I was several hundred miles from either of my parents and thus unconcerned with what they would think, because I assumed they'd disown me upon finding out, even though it doesn't make any sense. Maybe you didn't say anything because of the same fear. Just the same, you are blameless for this, and know that your guilt will pass in time.
     
  10. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    Thank you that makes a lot of sense. I guess in time I will learn to think like that. I hope I can and will.

    Thank you

    Sam
    x
     
  11. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Pro - That's not a very useful reply!!!!!
     
  12. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    What do you mean by that lost_child. What is not a useful reply?

    Sam
    x
     
  13. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Ahhh I get ya....got an email with a copy that was sed...just not showing on the board. Soz.

    Guess it is a gd thing that I didn't see it straight away.

    Sam
    x
     
  14. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    The person who posted that reply has been banned, sorry you had to read that Sam
     
  15. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Thats ok I guess it can't be helped altho I did wonder why I could not see it on here but could on my email.

    I am here for support and although I would love to take his advice...I don't know. I guess the other person has been banned aswell...millie something was the other one I read. something to do with ritalin and something...wouldnt know where to get the ritalin from even if I wanted to.

    Sam
    x
     
  16. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Don't listen to them hun, people like that just enjoy hurting others
     
  17. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I hope your right...tho I cant help but listen. Sorry. I am trying I'm just finding this all so hard.

    Thanks for your support.

    Sam
    x
     
  18. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    He Took Away My Fucking Innocence Why The Fuck Did He Not Kill Me Aswell. He Has Emotionally, But Not Physically. He To Much Of A Coward To Leave Me To Do It Myself. Maybe This Is Why He Got Off Scot Free. No Body No Evidence!!!!!
     
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