Ive been in a dark place for several months now. Its not the first time, if i dont end it all soon i imagine it wont be the last .... that's what scares me most. A friend of mine bought me a visit to a local psychic for my birthday a couple of years ago. Weather she was psychic or not, at the time it was a very uplifting experience. She told me i was champagne, that i was a bright and bubbly spirit. She also told me that she could see my father, my real father whom ive never met. She said he was telling her to tell me to believe in myself. He didn't. He killed himself rather then be a father to me. She also told me that she could see me running and i would trip and fall over and each time i fell over i was finding it harder and harder to get up again. Its so true. The first time i tried to kill myself was when i was 14, i slit my wrists. It wasn't enough. Two years later i tried again - all i got was scars. The next time it was pills. I spent two days throwing up, i didn't die. Now i have fallen again, i dont know if i have the courage or the strength to get back up, i dont really want to. I have planned a trip to the USA with three friends, im financially stable. I should be happy. I didnt have the best childhood and i have been unable to reconcile that. I kind of feel like im on some sort of scale ... my childhood and its nightmares are on one side so im uneven to begin with. Now whenever something else happens i drop to rock bottom in an instant. I tried to go to counseling once. I walked out feeling more like suicide then when i went in. Two weeks later she called me and said she was worried and wanted to prescribe me AD's. I convinced her i was fine, i couldn't go through that torture again. I dont want to be pitied. At the moment i have a well paid government job, i was looking at promotion and being offered lots of opportunity. Then i got Carpal Tunnel in both wrists, im in agony all the time. I have been put on reduced hours, i dont sleep, the promotion has gone to someone else and my team leader has to sign reams of paperwork. She has told me its all my fault. Im like a ghost now, nobody sees me. I have been assigned a case manager and a rehab worker (she is new so another guy comes with her to teach her, he is a psychologist). Last time we had a meeting i cried the whole way through. I dont know why. I couldn't look anyone in the eye. They swapped knowing looks and nodded a lot and then talked over me like i wasn't there. Im may be dead on the inside, im not stupid. I got a couple of phone calls after that and i managed to convince them im ok and it was just because of the pain. Its not. I kind of like the pain sometimes its a reminder that im not a ghost. Last Friday i cried at my desk, noone noticed. I cry all time. I hate myself for being weak. I sent my rehab worker an email saying i think i need help. I didnt get a reply until today. She sent me a link to beyond blue and told me she would call me in a couple of days. She called today. I didnt answer. I have told a friend that all my waking thoughts are about ways i can kill myself. She told me to tell my case manager and then tried to make me laugh. I guess i made her uncomfortable. I feel bad for that. So i laughed to make her happy, now she thinks im fine. I think she thought i was doing it for attention. Im not. I have put a lot of thought into it and i think if i can make it somehow look like an accident it wont hurt the couple of people that do care will not be as hurt. I think i know how to do it to. My biggest fear is not doing it properly, i want it to end, i dont want to wake up in a hospital. I dont want people to know i dont know why i told my friend or reached out for help. I dont sleep, i just cry. I am already a ghost. If people notice me i smile, i laugh at their jokes, inside im screaming, i just want to be left alone. I think if i feel like this when nothing major is going on then how will i cope the next time something bad happens. I dont think i deserve to be here. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. This is the first time i have thought about telling him how i feel. Im scared. I dont have the courage to do it. I will go, i will smile and i will laugh at his jokes. I dont know how to feel anymore i am numb. Then i think, if i am posting her, in an anonymous thread to anonymous people do i want to die? Why am i posting? What does it mean? What to i want? I dont know, the only thing that makes sense is making it all stop.