is there any help for me?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by readytogo1212, Feb 25, 2011.

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  1. readytogo1212

    readytogo1212 Member

    first off, i dont want to kill myself. i mean i do because it is the best option for me. but i would much rather have something to live for and keep on going. the problem is i dont have anything to live for.

    so basically, i've lost all my friends for reasons unknown to me. people just decided they didnt want to talk to me anymore. and it isnt like one or two of them. i have 1 friend within 1000 miles and 1 more beyond that. i think it is god just trying to mess with me because my dog used to love me and all of a sudden she hates being around me. then there is my family that doesnt care about me. my two brothers dont really care but that is to be expected because they are my brothers. and there is my overprotective mother who "has tried everything" (her words) but the one treatment that worked for me she wont let me continue because she doesnt think pot is a solution. and my dad who would let me smoke and be happy but wont stick up for me against my mom. and i really cant think of anything to live for at this point. i've tried everything i can to fix my depression and nothing works except pot which i cant use. so now i am planning out my suicide because i have nothing else to look forward to. i have a big long story to go along with all this but i wont go into that unless someone really wants me to because it is extremely long.

    so i guess really what i'm looking for is someone who can get somewhere in the neighborhood of understanding me. that alone might be something worth living for if i could find someone to talk to that understands me and wants to be my friend. but because of certain circumstances i cant find anyone who understands me. hell i cant even find someone who believes me. it doesnt really matter though. my life will be over soon enough

    anyone got anything that might help me change my mind? (cause i'm not set in dieing. i just cant live in this misery anymore)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The thing with pot it just helps for the moment then when not using it you are back to where you were in the first place sad. You need to reach out maybe try some antidepressants try therapy together they work best. Try new things bring some life back into you okay Hell my duaghter evern tried skydiving scared me to death just watching her but it worked Meet new people by doing things that normally you would not do different things okay hugs.
  3. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Oh yea I understand all to well,

    Ive been clean of smoking for 32 days now, and yes its a huge battle to fight when coming off, esp since noone thinks its addicting. Its the only thing that would keep me sane, keep me from tearing someones head off. I smoked for more than half of my life, hate to add it up but comes to around 19 years and a hell of alot of money and time wasted looking, smoking, and spending.

    If I could give advice, I would say visit a doc try some meds, I currently take wellbutrin and xanax (can be addicting) for anxiety and depression. It has helped ALOT, not to say that Im cured or anything but it does take the symptons away, havent thought of driving into a tree or jumping in front of a train, which is what consumed me before, plus the anger is gone, not all the way but I control it, it doesnt control me.

    Please give it a try if you havent already, plus come on here and vent, that helps a ton to, get all the negative off your back and out of your head whether it be here or on paper.

    PM me anytime you want to talk, Good Luck
  4. readytogo1212

    readytogo1212 Member

    i have tried medication. and therapy. cognative and behavioral. i have been to 5 rehabs for depression and suicidal tendencies. the only things i havent tried are ECT and head cracking. but i dont have the money to get ECT and i dont personally really like the idea of a balloon going up my nose and cracking my skull. although it might be cool but either way i dont have the money for that either.

    now i know that everyone says pot isnt a solution because it only masks things and it wears off and whatever but as charlie harper from 2 and a half men said, "its only temporary if you stop". and honestly right now i would be dead already if i hadnt started smoking pot again. it is the only thing that makes life tolerable. except for spice. but the effects of spice are much shorter. so i like pot better.
  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    then maybe you can cut it back to a reasonable amount, if your anything like me I was going through a half O every 2 days, as you see the more you smoke the more it will take to get the same effect.

    If its a complete NO NO then you will have to find something to replace it, have you tried a physical sport, like boxing or something to take out aggression on, bc thats what I was trying to mask the anger.

    I know for the last month when the jonesis comes on, I get up and clean something, now I know that doesnt sound appealing but you will find your niche.

    the point is your parents are trying to help you, and no they probably dont understand what you feel or cant accept that you feel this way, but they are trying to help you and love you and thats a great thing to have.
  6. readytogo1212

    readytogo1212 Member

    well if the pot is of decent quality i only go through about 1/8 in 3-5 days. so i'm not smoking as much as you did doityourself. but it isnt about finding something to take out my agression or anything. the reason i smoke pot is because it makes it so that life doesnt seem so bad. i mean i still know that life is bad and i want to kill myself, but i dont have the overwhelming feeling of needing to do it right now while i am smoking. so i do it.
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    It took me years to realize that I was self medicating, just with the wrong meds.

    I do hope that if you continue to smoke, that you still work on the other things to, and hope that someday you will see the things that I do now. Not saying that my life is grand or anything, I still struggle so much with my thoughts with the symptons of this damn depression and anxiety, but Ive gotten to the point where the smoking wasnt doing anything, or helping any. If anything it was hurting me, cause smoking made me feel like I had to hide, couldnt apply for jobs, spent hours looking and smoking it, when I didnt have it, it was horrible. Not only did I take the chance of going to jail but I took the chances of totally F-ing my life up, cause bottom line its illegal.

    And Ive visited way to many people in jail to know that thats not a place I want to ever go, nor do I want my kids to ever have to visit me there or grow up and think bc I smoke that its okay. I work in the legal field so seeing people pay all these ridioulous fees and having felonies on thier records, its just not worth it anymore.

    Now if it ever comes legal, I can tell you that I would smoke in a heartbeat.
  8. readytogo1212

    readytogo1212 Member

    move out here to california. its legal if you pay 75-150 bucks for a piece of paper that says a doctor thinks its ok for you to smoke it.

    i got out of my parents house yesterday and moved in with my grandpa so hopefully things will get better. but as soon as i can i am going to get a medical card so i can smoke wherever whenever (in a smoking area) as long as i'm not driving.

    but i definitely think that pot is the right way to go now because i havent smoked in 3 days (cause i've been out) and it took me 2 hrs to get the motivation to get out of bed. and that was because i really had to pee.
  9. readytogo1212

    readytogo1212 Member

    so its happening again. the cycle is starting all over. for some reason things start not going good. and i'm ok with it. then things start getting worse and i dont like it. then they get really bad and i wanna kill myself. then they get so bad that i make a plan to kill myself. somehow at that point everything turns itself around and everything goes perfectly for until i decide not to kill myself. and as soon as i think things are ok and i'll keep going they get bad again. i dont know if i wanna go through another cycle. it sucks. so now i need to decide if i wanna go through another cycle and wait for everything to turn to shit again so i can wanna kill myself again, or if i wanna end it now while things are going ok.

    any thoughts?
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