Is there any hope?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Ezz, Nov 21, 2010.

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  1. Ezz

    Ezz New Member

    I don't talk about this with nobody, so don't even know why I come here but maybe somebody has kind of a similar situation so..
    I always felt very suicidal throughout my life, since the age of 6 i started thinking about suicide since I always thought that world is somehow not a nice place to live, especially i felt so after my father used to beat me for some simple reasons what was called by my parents "discipline", i used to be beaten 3 or 4 times a day which little by little changed me from very brave, hyperactive boy to a shy, closed boy with no self-confidence, and at this time I still belong in this spot.
    I never had friends till about age of 16. At around age 13-14 I was very very depressed but somehow I didn't even understand it, as well as my parents. I thought it was normal to just lie in bed all day after school, wishing about sleeping and never waking up. When I was 14 I told crying to my father that I wanted to commit suicide when he beat me last time after about 2-3 years of "beating-free" period, for basically nothing(didn't go to hairdresser).
    So at age 13-14 I started realizing that im probably gay. I struggled with it very much. at 14-15 I developed eating disorder, I was and still working out, just then I was working out like crazy, eating less and less. Then bulimia started. Gay with ED, basically no friends, and wishing every day to not wake up. No friends to talk about it, so I was keeping all the time it in myself. I didn't believe in psychological help, so with the help of some forums I managed to cope with my ED, and now it's kinda gone, even though sometimes it still is difficult to eat and im crazily addicted to work out each damn day, but I dont think this is the biggest crap.

    So now I'm 20 years old. Im still actually the same I used to be. Shy, low self-confidence. I was living in east european country, I emigrated to Holland 1 year ago, all by myself.. Life hasnt' been too easy, but I have a friend who helps me. And this is how I live about 1 year. I study language, it's almost done. But I have so many doubts about future. It's like I have nothing. I dont want to go back to east europe because it's like a horror, all my past and ED's, pessimistic environment and stuff gives me headache(not literally, just makes me sad kinda).
    So now it's autumn and it I can't bear it anymore. I see darker days, I don't have very real friends here. Im a foreigner, started life from the beginning, I have no place to live, no job at the moment(can't find cos of low self esteem). I can't get psychological help because im a foreigner, I have no idea where to go and im sure they are all about giving pills, and my insurance wouldn't pay for it, and I have no money too.
    There is just so much to tell that I dont know what to say.
    The whole point is that I feel severely depressed already for like 6 years. While all my life from 6 to 20 years I was thinking about commiting suicide. I have various self injuries on my arm from 4 years back.. And just it continues now. I emmigrated, I feel great. But i still have nothing. No boyfriend or whatever, even though I don't avoid people(but its all about sex in holland, and i dont want it, i even dont have anything like sexual desire). And those fucking minds keep killing me. every night wishing to not waek up but I wake up. And i can't commit suicide now because i cant give those problems to my friend who helps me and he wants me to build future here(i want too but..). I dont know what to do i feel so bad and i used to feel this throughout my whole life, this is such a common feeling. i always feel it more or less, but now so much more.

    sorry for writing here and for anyone who read this, i dont even know what to say here its just the fact that its kinda fucked up. i dont even ask what to do because even if u gave me a book name to read i wouldn't because i would be too apathetic. i even go to some damn parties with some friends and i feel like where the fuck i am whats happening here, i wish i could just die now and never exist anymore

    it feels like somebody has been calling me from above(if god or whatever exists), to commit the damn suicide and to leave this world. i never fit here and i will never fit. cant even change something because i dont even want to change, i have no energy.

    sorry anyway
  2. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    You have a friend who helps you and you have almost finished a language course. You lived in eastern europe. You are only twenty. You have been through a lot and have survived. I think you are right not to give your problems to your friend because it would not help you or him. You do have impressive survival skills but you are tired and vulnerable. Look after yourself as best you can,
  3. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    wow heartbreaking stuff :(

    first i want to congratulate you on the fact that you actually are trying really hard to make something of yourself, I mean moving to another country is a great thing to try when youre on the downside of life...

    And I would think that you can get help from the Netherlands hospitals trough youre EU insurance card (depending on if the country you came from is within the EU-zone) this can be checked trough youre embassy if it is possible for you to get that card, it basically gives you the same right to healthcare on the same conditions as the people living there get.

    Youre saying that the feeling is that some “higher” power wants you dead? That might be something to explore, I dont know could be something, my mother always said that dont trust the voice in youre head, or you might end up dead... (little rhyme there)

    And btw cant you just smoke a joint (being in holland =) That would help I think, atleast its worth a try, but be sure you get the kinnda weed that makes you giggle and not the one that makes you think for hours... and its better than most pills :)

    There is nothing to be sorry for, in my world I am always impressed by people who move to find a better place, that is courage!

    Ohh and no there is no hope... hope is an illusion, there is only "cause and effect" and that is what controls the world and makes people crazy, its simple mathematics. add one number and another number will come out...

  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is always hope sometimes one cannot see it but it is there and sometimes it just takes a while for it to come forward. You reach out to anyone you can okay to the hospital there to a crisis line but do it get some help for you You can get some meds some therapy so you can continue to move forward okay. There is hope don't let your depression take that away
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sorry you have been through so much, and congrats on making that move. that took alot of courage. coming out is never easy, and meeting someone special even harder. don't give up. can you look into counselling? you need to talk about what happened in your childhood with a professional. i'm sure the after effects are still poisoning you today. being abused takes away from your self esteem. i know, been there. good luck and keep posting.
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