is there any reason to do anything anymore?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by goodbye pork pie hat, Jan 30, 2008.

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  1. goodbye pork pie hat

    goodbye pork pie hat Active Member

    i have no reason to feel like any of this. no one has ever done anything but try to love me in their own ways. i'm so selfish. all my life i've been an asshole to everyone. when i was born the collective karma of the world must have gone to shit. i've liked the same person for three years and he hardly even knows me. his life is disintegrating and it's my fault. my dog needs surgery and that's my fault, too. my hamster died today because i ignored it. i'm putting pressure on my mom and dad's marriage. every time i turn a corner someone laughs or calls me a fag behind my back. I’m such a worthless piece of shit. I sit up here on my bed all sprawled out, and I’ve got all this work today and I just can’t do it. I can’t do any of this anymore. the funny thing is, he didn't even tell me how much he was doing it. he didn't say anything about it. i had to find out from someone else. last year we were best friends and now he hates me, thinks I'm wacko. he didn't recognize me today and none of this even matters. this is just ridiculous melodrama. it's just that i've torn everyone who's reached out to me and really genuinely wanted me to get better. my parents since third grade, my friends since seventh... i don't know. i don't know why they care and i don't know why i'm writing any of this. i've been beating my head against the wall for hours now and i have cuts all over my arms. this is awful. everyone would be better off dead without me. before i was born, my room was a workout room. it could be one again if i died. would anyone even notice?
    i don't know. i hate coming to all of you and whining like this. i feel out of place somehow. i have so much work to do and i just can't do any of it and no one understands. i really felt like i couldn't get up this morning, but i did anyway and it hasn't brought me any happiness whatsoever. i quit the band and i skipped school and i just don't feel like living anymore. i don't know why i should. i'm a detriment to everyone. i'm sorry for all of this and i'm sorry for screwing up your karma.[/FONT]
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Only you can find any real reasons to want to hold on and stick around. But you can let the members here try to help you find them. Sorry that your life has been so filled with pain and disappointment. I hope you can find the strength you need to hold on and try to make things better for yourself. Good luck
  3. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    hey ya hun!

    the things u are going through are ur choice! u say u dont like living like this! yes?
    then pick ur self up and push ur self!
    its ur choice!
  4. goodbye pork pie hat

    goodbye pork pie hat Active Member

    itmahanh, thanks for your comment... *hug I really appreciate someone saying something. to be honest, though, i don't know if i can find any reason to keep going other than that it might hurt my family, but that just makes me feel worse. I'm so worthless that I never do anything right. i just don't know what the point of living is if everywhere i go people are gonna treat me like an idiot. i'm not saying it isn't what i deserve, it's just that... i don't know. it hurts when people you love call you wacko and a moron.
    Thanks, blade. this might sound really weird, but i don't know if i even want to feel better anymore. for one thing, i don't really have a drive to do anything anymore. but mostly, it's that i feel like i'll be a failure at whatever i do, and maybe I subconsciously feel like if I'm depressed then I'll have an excuse to get away from people blaming me for my failure. even when I'm happy, i'm sad. :biggrin: it's pretty funny, really.
    i just don't know how much longer i can go on like this.
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