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Is there anyone that can talk?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cactusranch, Oct 15, 2010.

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  1. cactusranch

    cactusranch Member

    I am in a crisis situation. 47, married, can't talk to my wife because we are so withdrawn from each other. I am so close to taking the final step, yet something tells me that this will pass. It's been going on since last year when my mother had a stroke.

    I left a good job (that I can't get back) to care for her when she had the stroke in January. After six months, I finally settled back down and tried to find work again. It's been since March, and I can't get a job.

    The bigger picture is this: I have limited skills and a worthless degree in speech communication (Rhetoric). I have struggled my whole life with failure. Let me say that again, just so there aren't any misconceptions. I HAVE STRUGGLED MY WHOLE LIFE WITH FAILURE.

    No blaming my parents, they had their own problems and did the best they knew how to do to raise two sons. My older brother is very successful and smart. I was always struggling in school, it took me 15 years to complete a BA degree. I am and always have been a complete failure. I've had three good friends in my adult life that I now have very little contact with.

    I have no children, but that's another chapter, and doesn't really matter anymore.

    I am ready to die. I hate to say this, because I've fought so hard to do the right things, to be good at my job, to make a good impression on people.

    But every single time, no matter what I do, no matter what the circumstances, people end up realizing that I am a loser, and I always fail.

    I just don't want to go through the failure anymore. I can't take it anymore. I feel so worn out, so tired of trying and failing at everything.

    It's just so hard to face failure over and over again.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hey there brother,

    I am sorry that you are going through this. You have a lot more going for you than I think that you realize. I think that if you can get some therapy, maybe some medication you can really turn things around.

    It sounds to me like people have given you some negative input which you have internalized. People will sometimes throw negativity at people just because that is how they deal with their own suffering. It is often the best people who are given the worst put downs. I think if you can get some positive feedback from good people, you can change the way you feel about yourself.

    If you take some positive steps, you may find greater happiness and fullfillment than you now think is possible.
  3. kalii

    kalii New Member

    im sorry to hear bout this awful situation...but maybe you are not a failure you may think that you are..it never to late for you..hopefully you get a job nd start new , you are not old and i believe that you have years ahead of you to make it happen and to prove to youreslf that you are not a failure...comon i think that you have it on you, dont give up...
  4. cactusranch

    cactusranch Member

    Thank you, both of you.

    I will try to get some counseling. Today has been especially hard. With no one to talk to, or to confide in, I just broke down and cried all day. No one saw this, because I'm home alone all day. It's so hard to fail over and over. To screw up every opportunity, every good chance to have a decent life. After awhile, it becomes expected - I actually wonder how long it will be before my next failure.

    But you're probably right, suicide is not the answer. I do find myself asking whatever higher power there is out there to take me - to kill me. It is what it is. I'm tired of hiding the truth from people about how I can't do anything right.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you may want to also call a crisis hotline

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
    Phone: 800.273.8255
    Who They Help: Families, concerned individuals
    1-800-273 TALK

    National Suicide Hopeline
    Phone: 800.784.2433
    Who They Help: Families, concerned individuals

    these are for the us, I don't know where you are located. There are more help resources listed on the main page just below the link to this forum.

    If you can just get through the short term and get some help, I really think that things can get a whole lot better. Hang in there brother! I'm routin' for you.

    Please don't say that you are a failure. To be a good person and to try your best to make the best out of life that you can with the cards you are dealt is not only to be uncommonly good, it is heroic.
  6. cactusranch

    cactusranch Member

    I'm in Arizona.

    Thank you, your words are comforting. Really thank you. Even though I'm emotional and so down right now. But your posts have helped.
  7. The way you write suggests you are articulate and therefore smart. I know what you mean with the failure thing (my brother and sister have both outdone me despite me being 'smarter'), but its just perspective. Its only through failure that we learn, I know its hard, but you can come though it.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Cactus and welcome to SF. I think that it might be a good time to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife about how you are feeling. I know that you mentioned that you are somewhat withdrawn from each other, but she is there to give you love and support.

    You have to also start believeing in yourself. After facing much defeat, I realize that it might be difficult to have faith in yourself, but if you keep believeing that you are a failure, then that is what will materialize. Everyone fails at some point. Use these as learning opportunities and figure out what you can do better for next time. :hug:
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    your welcome! glad to help!
  10. cactusranch

    cactusranch Member

    I wish I could, but she's from a culture where these kinds of things are difficult to discuss. Maybe it was just her upbringing, but she sees this as a weakness. I've tried talking to her about deep emotional feelings, but our conversations always end with her pointing out all of my faults and mistakes I've made in our 14 years together. It's just not an option anymore. Sad to say, but I would have been much better off marrying someone within my own culture if I wanted someone to really communicate with on a deep level.
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Can I ask what culture she is from?
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    anyone who would give up work to take care of their sick Mum is NOT a failure...
    sounds like you have compassion and we need more people like that in the world..
    maybe some therapy to help you with self esteem might help..
    are you keeping in touch with your doctor?
  13. cactusranch

    cactusranch Member

    I haven't yet tried to find a therapist. I probably should do that as soon as possible. Look, let's face it. No therapist is going to admit that someone at my age having all these problems is a loser. They can't, it's their job to try and dissuade me from hurting myself. The bottom line is that when I look around, I see people my age that are stable, with families, and a home, I feel I've wasted so much time in a wasted life. It's all been for nothing, because I've got so little to show for it.

    Whenever we fight, my wife starts to compare us to her friends. They all have homes, and investments. We have barely enough to make it to next payday. The most we've ever had saved was about 25,000 dollars.

    To the person who asked which culture: East Asian.
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    The great irony here is that the people who get the most praise for their superficial "success" are often people who are the least deserving of being called successful. Tobacco company CEO's? Investment Bank CEO's who have ripped off the tax payers and general public and pocketed the cash?

    The people who are often regarded as successful are very often the most selfish, superficial, and unethical. That whole system of values is warped.

    It's a shame that people who are really great don't always realize it.
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