Is there anyone to help? I'm sorry :-(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pebble, May 9, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi I'm really sorry I haven't been on here in a while but I just haven't been able to help. I'm just so stuck in a rut. Its meant to be my birthday today but alll I want is for someone to come into my room and kill me!!I wish I could have that one wish and that it would come true!I hate my life and wish I could just go away. I want to just get out of here and if I wasn't so scared of other people being around I would, I feel trapped here, I feel trapped being in my own boday
     
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hey Happy Birthday, sorry you feel like that I can relate to it. Maybe if you vented out why you feel like that it could help? I know it does with me sometimes.
     
  3. I-Died-In-My-Dream

    I-Died-In-My-Dream Well-Known Member

    Just think to yourself, what's the worse that could happen?

    Just go out there and enjoy the food and music.
     
  4. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    I dont even know what I would vent about - I feel like I dont know anything anymore. Everyone expects me to just keep going everyday but I am so tired - I'm so tired of trying to be someone for everyone, trying to please everyone but when I need someone there is never anyone there. I am so afraid to show how I really feel incase they just up and leave or get angry. I wish so much that someone would just come and take me away - I would happily let someone into my room to just kill me and take me away from this hell hole that is life. I dont know what I have done that is so bad to mean that I have to feel like this for so long, there is no one there who can help me, and I am so scared now that I know that I am on my own
     
  5. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I understand that feeling, your tired of having to pretend to be someone else just to please everyone, and then your also tired because you cant explain yourself any-more because you have done it so many times, and so many times people have left you right?

    The only thing I have found that helps me (like today), is do small things think really small, keep occupied, and take it 5 mins at a time. And remember most importantly you are NOT alone, i find that sometimes helps, even if no one gets me or knows i am hurting.

    IT might work better if you have something to look forward too? then maybe you can take small steps towards that?

    Not very good advice i know i am sorry:unsure:
     
  6. I-Died-In-My-Dream

    I-Died-In-My-Dream Well-Known Member

    When I feel this bad I take a nap and hope I wake up feeling less depressed. It works most of the time. Or if you can't fall asleep watch a comedy movie. Something summery and bright. Light up the room.

    If you need to talk hearing someones voice I say call a crisis line.
     
  7. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Dont be silly, thank you for understanding and taking time to talk, it is good advice its just really hard to put it into practice. I just poured a kettle so I can pour that over my hand - I just want to feel something other than this pain tearing me apart inside. But my flat mates are still awake and could walk into the kitchen at anytime :sad: so now I'm just sat with my razor blade with part of me wanting it so bad and another part reminding me of my chosen path - but I know which part of me is winning at the moment, the need is so strong, I just want this pain to end, My eyes are stinging from crying so much. Instead of being happy about being here at 24 I just wish so much that I was never born.
     
  8. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your help but I cant talk to anyone out loud as the rest of my flat mates may hear me :sad: they probably already think I'm a freak and I think my best mate already hates me. I just want to be accepted but spend my whole time worrying that everyone hates me. I know they think they would be better off without me. I have tried to watch something to distract myself, I even went and made myself a hot milky drink like the crisis team have said in the past but it is not helping. I feel like the only thing that would help is by taking my next months worth of antidepressants as they help me to fall asleep, I could pray that they help me sleep for an enternity
     
  9. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Before you do anything rash look at it this way right:

    I cut my wrist on Friday, so i have spent the entire weekend hiding it from my house-mate, because i know i will get questions, which i don't have the will or the heart to answer, i am so scared now someone will notice that i have shut myself in my room.

    Do you really want to risk someone noticing? Having to explain and yes they might walk in, part of me wishes they would so they could help you.

    What do you normally do when you feel like this? to stop yourself?
     
  10. sarah2501

    sarah2501 Member

    Sorry, cant offer much, just to say I'm thinking of you
    Sarah
    x
    p.s. Sometimes when we think people don't care anymore and we've driven then away, its probably not that. Probably they do care but don't know how best to help or show it?
     
  11. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry things haven't been very good for you lately :hug: I am really sorry I am ranting at you about all of my stupid problems, If theres ever anything I can do let me know, I know I'm not in most helpful of places right now but would still try to help. Its always easier helping someone else as they actually matter in this world. I haven't sh in a while now, since last OD but the need is so strong right now. I know that if my friends knew how I was really feeling they would probably think that I was just too much baggage and effort, they have their own stresses here at uni to deal with. I'm just their taxi. I'm meant to be going to a lecture tomorrow morning then a meal in evening but all I want to do is just spend whole day in my room and not see or speak to anyone. I usually just drink when I feel like this but I already have and its not helped and I'm too scared to leave room to go for a walk. I know when I go onto uni grounds everyone will just see me and that scares me alot. I just want the ground to swallow me up, I have no where around me to turn for help, my cpn is horrible and I cant tell her anything and no one else cares. I just wish I had a definate way out of this hell hole that is meant to be life instead of staying and waiting for it to kill me slowly
     
  12. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    thanks sarah, i used to try to think about it that way but now I just feel like I am more of a burden than a friend and they would probably rather be without me, a friend knocked on my door and saw me crying, she came in picked up her shoes and just left saying see you tomorrow, I hate that she saw me crying as know that she will now feel like that even more
     
  13. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Its true for about 99% of us who feel like this, we always feel better helping someone else. I guess because a. it means we dont have to think about our own problems, and b. because we feel better for making a difference to someone even if its just a short term thing.

    I think in a way its positive you have lots to do tomorrow, even if you dont feel like doing them because then you are distracting yourself and that way your not thinking how you are now-make sense? And if you can make it through that, then you should reward yourself in a small way.

    Why dont you look to see what support is available away from the uni campus, sometimes in that environment it can feel like a fish bowl with no way out cant it. I mean a simple search on google might give you an idea of places near you that could help, or even just someone you can call, I know though how hard it is to take that step, hence i am here while i take that step. What I am trying to say is your never alone in all of this there are people here and there are people there, even if it doesn't seem like it.

    How well do you sleep? I mean sometimes it helps me just to go to bed even if i cant sleep i put my ipod on, and lie there because i know i wont be motivated enough to get up and do myself any harm, and 9 times out of ten i drift of to sleep eventually.
     
  14. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    thank you for your suggestions and your replies, I will have a search on google as I do not want to use the uni suppor again. I am close to where you are but am not sure of what support is around whilst I am at uni. I do not get along with my cpn at all and she couldn't give a shit so cant look to her for any support. I may use your suggestion and just listen to my ipod with headphones until sleep hopefully comes for me. My antidepressents make me pretty sleepy still so hopefully if I take a few extra they will help quicker. Thank you for your support, I'm sorry for ranting just feel like I keep getting to the end of everything and not sure how much else I can take, I hate having to keep looking forward to a blank long and dark future of pain x
     
  15. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I hope you find a way, and if you need any help in searching let me know:smile:

    As far as a long dark future goes- I dont think so, i believe that you can find a way out of this through to the other side and find a way to be happy with you, as hard and as stupid as that sounds, but then again i am a dreamer but sometimes thats the best thing

    Let me know how you get on please:smile:
     
  16. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Thanks Rich for your help, I have taken some extra meds so hopefuly I'l crash soon and be able to sleep through the night for once. Thank you for your replies and sugesstions, I may try to look on google tomorrow for some local support here in Devon, just have to get through my lectures tomorrow first. My future has always seemed dark and horrible, nothing ever seems to change - not for long anyways, only change is when I am also dreaming - dreams of travelling etc.
    If there is anything I can help with or if you ever want to talk please PM me xx
     
  17. I-Died-In-My-Dream

    I-Died-In-My-Dream Well-Known Member

    They woudn't kill you those antidepressants. I've tried all sorts of prescription medications. All they do is make you fall asleep for hours. You would get found unconcious by your flat mates after some hours and get sent to hospital then on to a institution. And going there through a suicide attempt is not good. It's better to admit yourself, that way you get more freedom.

    Also, don't assume what others think, try to ask them. And don't overdose because that may shock your flat mates and perhaps it is then that they will judge you negatively. I say talk to them. If you're living with them they might as well get to know you a little bit more.

    Listen to some calm music. Go take a shower and cry silently if you have to, if you get red eyes just say soap got in your eyes.

    Try the positive things first.
     
  18. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    thank you for the help christele, I tried the calm music and relooked at dbt crisis skill things and finally managed to just crash to sleep after meds. I wish taking the antidepressants would work, I can no longer swallow paracetomol - I think my body is just doing it to spite myself but cant even swallow one tablet with out puking now. I have reread all of my dbt stuff but still feel like I'm just hitting a brick wall every time and just want to give up now - like my old dbt therapist used to say - I'm stuck in this far away desert and now she is not there anymore I would like to just give up and lie down ane wait to die.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.