Is there anything that can help me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Akichan, Aug 16, 2015.

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  1. Akichan

    Akichan New Member

    or better whats my problem?

    I feel suicidal for most of my life, maybe even before i were 14, now im 30+. I always thought, maybe these suicidal feelings go away if i do this or that, if i change something. So i tried alot and made it to today. But since 2 years i ran out of ideas or options to try to cure my "depression" Since feb. i wanted to try the last thing i never did, find a medical treatment. It took 6month to get into a mental day hospital. Im there now for 2 weeks. I really hoped, that something in my brain is just not working right, so it would just be taking pills and then working on my thinking strategies. But yeah my bloodtest was very good, heart beat and brainwaves very normal too. What should i do? Yes the hospital helpes with calming down and the distraction of beeing out and with ppl from 8am to 3pm ist good. But thats only temporary. And temporary isnt what helps me. My sleeping is better tx to the new pill i got, but... thats not the cure. Every single day im thinking about suicide. If i would like to have a shiny future with husband and stuff i could have it, but i dont want to. There is just nothing in life that i would enjoy so much to keep me going <,<
    Do you guys have a stratergy?
  2. Im sorry to hear you are going through this...
    I would say am going through something similar for 5 years now.However I get to the point where I plan my suicide. After my demented brain does so, I remind myself about the pain I will make my family go through... These thoughts come not every day though as yours do. They come when I am not busy with anything , when I had a bad day, when I feel hopeless, something is not going right, etc.. But never when I have something to occupy myself with. I think you must find what makes you think about them, what causes you to think about suicide at the certain moments and avoid it as hard as you possibly can. It may be hard but a hobby would be nice to have. Paint , draw, sing, play instrument, DIY your home,be proud of your efforts and success. I have the control over my actions , but not over my thoughts sadly. I am not that experianced ,this is all I can give you. But many here have battled through this and put it behind them. I am sure that you will find inspiration and answers from here.
    PM me if you need a talk! :)
    Take care
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The treatment or even lack of depression does not equate to "happiness" or "joy". No treatment or program in the world is going to replace depression with that. All treatment is meant to do is what it has done - make it so you can sleep- give distractions and a break from the constant overwhelming thoughts , etc. To find happiness, love , family , contentment with life, etc you have to find and do the things that bring those things to yourself. If your life sucks in general no treatment will change that- you change that with help of being able to deal with things by treating depression and with the help of social workers , friends, etc if you just do not know how to do things that make you happy.

    You say you are in the program, describe everything about it as positive but what is it you actually want?
  4. Akichan

    Akichan New Member

    i dont know what all ppl have with their family. My family is not a family. Reather my mom nor dad ever cared more then giving me food and a place to sleep. You ever made up a bday table for your own bday? with your toys so youre happy to get presents? yeahh so .. tbh. i reather see them dead then alive a day longer.

    fragmentoffaith, i already made it through the last 10years with a major hobby, it was cosplay, i done it long and with passion and done very well, went to the german championship and stuff. But thats nothing that made me not suicidal or depressed, just a try to get out of my bad thoughts.. it didnt help.
    I tried so much, thats whats pisses me off.
    And in general, if i would like to have friends around me i could have it, my big love would gladly marrie me, my exbf will be a good lawer soon so i could have had the chance to have a perfect "happy" life, but thats not what makes me in any case go longer. Thats what i suffer from. That i know i could do things im not limited to alot (like im not a millionair or have wings :p)
    In the end i have no idea what i want. I know that its not normal to want to kill myself on a daily base. Distraction works ofc, but only for the distraction time, the second i dont do that its gone. And 18h discraction wont work. Or better i tried that with beeing selfimployed with a shop so i could have work and thoughts for the next 20-30years.. but that didnt happen. soooo.. no distraction....
    And i know there are ppl who just live their lifes without just trying to make it through the day. Maybe i like to be very dumb so i would not think about how meaningless existing in general is. But besides a very hard hit on the head i would not know how to reach that status <,<
  5. RainThunder

    RainThunder Member

    I have a food intolerance that makes me suicidal. Literally will make me get the thought, I want to kill myself. As if thoughts can come from food.
    Check your diet, make sure you are eating well and right, no sensitivities. I've heard exercise is good, but I don't intentionally indulge. There was this book, the diet cure, by Julia Ross. for food/mood management. I thought I was depressed mostly because of my past, but that wasn't just it...

    Then, look at what you've been through. Sometimes I've felt like the thing I really wanted is gone, like the moment is past to have that thing, nothing else is valuable. So, when I'm like that, I have to tell myself it just seems like that, the meaning is still here and thats why I am alive. I know what I want feels like, maybe I don't know what it looks like. But this helps me to remember that my life passion is not really over. My point is, maybe there is something you do want, but you think that is dead and gone from you. Its not.

    Plus for me anyway, If I get the thought I want to kill myself and I know I didn't eat the wrong thing, then I think, do I really want to die or do I just wish all this would go away and I could feel relief. I know I don't want to die, I just can't deal with the undeal-able.
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