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Is there anything wrong about it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bloodrose, Feb 20, 2008.

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  1. Bloodrose

    Bloodrose Member

    My Life wasn’t that good anyway for most of life. I never had a dad; my mom wouldn’t communicate with me in life over, and lived under a her draconian rules. I was girl who was born in a boy’s body, and liked boys. Was sent to a boy’s school, was beaten, harassed and called names. They never let up. I never really dated in my life. (Because I wanted to be proper) Never lived, except by the rules. All I had was my academics and career path impetus. Lost my mind, heart and soul in the process, became depressed and a failure at studies (and more). I eventually acquired schizophrenia from depression and the whirlwind life that took me away. The following years of madness without even a friend took away my soul and the remainder of my identity.

    All I get is madness and depression daily, all around, in my waking hours, and my dreams. Soul rotting madness. People say that they can communicate with their inner soul… Somehow, I feel that that person is dead… I am dead inside… And the more I live, the more meaningless it becomes… Because lose more of my soul in the process.

    I cannot study, work, learn nor socialize… My schizophrenic medication has done nothing for me than to make me feel even more useless and causing me to feel physically horrible all the time. My entire life revolves around the PC in mindless stimulation that I cannot recall. My life has nothing for me, except to more self destructive as I live.

    I may not ever study or work for life.

    My attempts at life have been nothing but futile.
    My attempts at living on has been nothing but soul rotting and cause me more pain and withdrawal.
    My attempts at suicide have been called nothing but stupid.

    I really wish to die.
    Is there anything stupid about that?
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi bloodrose, i'm sorry to read about the difficult times you are experiencing. i read your other thread about the horrible way you were treated in the hospital. you are an incredibly strong woman to have survived so much, it's no wonder suicide seems like an option right now. but it's not your only option.

    you don't have to fight these feelings alone. you have us to support you along the way. i'd understand if you were skeptical about medical treatment, but do you have any other supports? it's probably a little premature to talk about treating these feelings, but i can tell you my main support is a community nurse who comes to see me at home, as well as making changes in diet and exercise, more writing and art, and yes, meds that leave me out of it some days, and better others.

    i'll touch base again tomorrow, when i'm less tired.

    just wanted to let you know that you're not alone,

  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear of all your struggles. You have tried to conform and still did not find happiness. Be who you are. You have already survived the hardships. You can move forward. Don't give up. :hug:
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