I have great difficulty in communicating with people,in interacting.This morning I counted how many people I actually have interacted with in my 38 years,it's been only 18; 9could be called friends,9 were authority figures of which one was my brother. Of the 9 authority figures 6 were doctors.My father and 2 doctors were the only 3 that never harmed me and I haven't had a friend in at least the last 13 years. The only person I have seen is my roommate.People come over to see him on occasion and I am present but not there so to speak. No one has ever been as kind to me as my roommate,but he is also like Dr.Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. His comfort zone is anger. He has followed me into the room in emergancy to be sure I say nothing,ditto with the dentist.He says he wants me to see a Dr. then later has every reason why it can't be.When I said I thought I needed to go back into therapy he said he would gladly tie me up and drop me at my mothers so that she and her Dr's could mind f. me some more and he'd also make sure my life would always be more horrid than it was before he rescued me.He is 21 years older,inclined to enforce his will,he doesn't hit but pressure points and choking and constant verbal threats have me fried. I am Phobic with the phone with people I have no one no family no friends no money no drivers license no way out.Death seems to be the only option I have to save what is left of my spirit. On April24 I put the radio in my bath,it didn't work. I'm going to try something else after my roommate goes to work next week.He rarely is gone.He's gone now to the store,but will be back soon so I have to go.I would like to live if I could live without fear,pain,anxiety.But 38 years of abuse makes me believe there is no help.Who can help when I can neither reach out nor know if I can let anyone in. Death is at least an option I can take.Thanks for allowing me a space to say goodbye.