Just had another wasted day. Called in to my volunteering to tell them I was unable to come in, and spent most of the day in pain, uninterested in everything, sleeping. The thing I hold on for (I mean, I don't attempt suicide most days. I do sometimes turn to cigarettes and alcohol, and I don't work as hard as I should) is the hope that things will get better, and the route to things getting better for me always presents itself as medication. I've never tried a mood stabiliser. I don't know if you've seen the (very sad) documentary Boy, Interrupted. But Evan Perry had bipolar disorder, and went from arguably a suicide attempt at a very young age to being one of the top students in his high school (or the top) when he was medicated, but then when taken off his lithium, he committed suicide at 15. So I wonder if being on a mood stabiliser would help me, as although my psychiatrist has given me an assessment for bipolar disorder and concluded I don't have it, I do show some symptoms, I think. My current diagnoses are schizophrenia, social phobia and Asperger's, and I'm taking the small doses of 10mg aripiprazole daily and 50mg sertraline daily. I have overspent in a big way when I've been in a good/grandiose mood, and I made arguably a suicide attempt in a low mood. Today was a low day, as have been the last few days. I usually last 3 months at a new activity like work or volunteering or studying. Then I drop out of it. Either I just get sick of things once the novelty wears off, or those 3 month spells are good spells in my mood. I don't get pressure of speech during my good moods, and this is one reason why my psychiatrist thinks I don't have bipolar disorder. I also want to try ritalin, to see if it'll help me to study my way out of my (relatively) crappy situation, but the psychiatrist can't prescribe it without me having an ADHD diagnosis, or something like that. It's not just a crappy situation getting me down though. I've been down at times since the age of 11, with thoughts of suicide, and I was from a well-off family and got good grades, so that, although I only started thinking about money at about 17, the expectation was that I'd get a high paid job. Even if I had all the money, achievement and adulation in the world, I'd probably still have all my low days and be looking for a release from my pain.