I know I can't kill myself. I've tried, many times. I've flat lined and been revived. And I can't put my family through that again. But no matter how bad things get, they just get worse. I'm sick -very sick- living in a moldy van with a lazy, uncaring, and just plain ...plain boyfriend. I've lost all my friends, it's freezing, (literally, I'll wake up and the windows are iced over inside.) I have no chance of getting a job, no way to find a place to live. I can't do it. Despite being on anti depressants, I've been breaking down a lot. A whole lot. It's getting impossible to hold out. The best I can do sometimes is just play facebook games to escape. And the boyfriend screamed at me for doing it today. "Don't you have better things to do with your time? Seriously!" No, I don't. Cause I'm too sick to post to Etsy (our only source of income) (my head just hurts too much to concentrate on creating listings.) and there is nothing else to do. So if I'm not playing games, i end up just dwelling on how bad things are. And then he yells at me for crying. I have nothing, I have no one. I can't talk to him, cause he yells at me for stupid things, for my feelings, for being negative. I can't talk to my mom cause she's depressed and can't do anything to help me, so she just feels worse. And there;s no one else. I've tried a million times to change myself, my habits, my life, my surroundings, everything. And no matter what I do, either I make the wrong decision or life just does it for me. My parents recently found these baby feral kitties on their property and spent months coaxing them into being great animals. We had just gotten them to the point where they'd let us hold them, and the day they decided to neuter them (they were two males), I had to watch my favorite get run over by a car and drag himself to the side of the road before I could get to him. Then he died in my arms. It's things like that that just make me feel like whatever powers that be hate me and just look for opportunities to make me suffer. My life is bad enough, you know? I'm so sick of hearing the cliche's. "You'll survive" Of course I will. There's no option other than suicide. If you can't pull yourself on, life will drag you on. Just cause you give up, you don't stop breathing. Your heart keeps beating, and the suffering continues. How do you go on when you can't go on? I just want to stop hurting.