Is there really any good reason to go on?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by absenceofcolor1, Oct 27, 2013.

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  1. absenceofcolor1

    absenceofcolor1 New Member

    Sooo, my post will be a long one...I may ramble, cause there's a lot to talk about buut not sure how to get it all out..but I feel like I have to, at the same time.

    Not sure what to say...that is, not sure where to start.

    For starters, I am a 18 year old gay male who also has gender issues. I grew up in a highly intolerant, religious, homeschool family with a severely mentally ill mother and a highly narcissistic, arrogant, and explosive father.

    The last year has been so long...and I'm just so tired. It started in about...September of last year. My dad had been severely demoted at his last job, in Texas (on the subject, we moved around a LOT as a kid, Pennsylvania, Florida, Texas, Virginia, Oklahoma, etc, so I never made friends for too long) so he took another in Virginia. Well, anyway, that was a big, major, stressful move, and it took a toll on my mom (who is a very sick woman).

    After we got to Virginia, my mother started acting funny....well, it ended with her having a very severe mental breakdown (she's been having them concurrently since I was 10 years old). I was the only one there who could really handle it, for a while....I was 17, my siblings were 15 and 10...and then my dad, he was still in Texas so there was nothing he could do. She was having severe delusions...partially targeted at me. She thought that the alarm system in our new house was listening device, and that I was a Muslim convert terrorist...it got bad...I spent a lot of days trying to force feed her while she sat there trembling...she was like shellshock.

    Anyway...that experience was actually hell, and I have some very bad memories from it. I usually stayed up at night to make sure she didn't hurt herself or anything.

    And truthfully, a lot of my childhood was like that. I didn't have any friends, I didn't go to school. It was just me, my siblings, and this woman who would get sick and not even realize it...I didn't even get into half her delusions, but just hearing that she thought the things she thought was, in itself, a scarring experience.

    Anyway, after things settled down with her sickness, I finally got the courage to come out to my (also gay) sister as gay. Soo, I stayed with my mom for a while, but all of a sudden her homophobia began to bug me...she would call my sister an abomination and things like that...plus I needed a break from the whole situation. Soo, I went to stay with my (equally homophobic) grandma.

    Well....I was really depressed when I went up there, and I guess it worried my mom...so I told her why, and I told her I was gay, and beggged her not to tell my grandma. Well....she did. Then my grandma told me it was disgusting and unnatural and like "having sex with a horse" and her and my mom tried to force these cheerleaders who liked me on me. Well, then my mom had sort of another breakdown and she basically thought she had two personalities and that one was a pedophile and made me gay, and everyone in my family blamed me for making her have another breakdown by coming out.

    So, my depression got worse to the point where I went out late for a walk in 5 degree weather in jeans and a jacket....I ended up sitting on the side of the road to go to sleep, knowing if I did I wouldn't wake up in that weather (it was snowing and I was soaking wet, as well). And then, well, I dunno, I just woke up and got picked up by a police officer and taken back home..

    Well, stuff kept getting bad....I became extremely, severely anorexic. I never ate, slept poorly, I was 120 some lbs (and am about 6ft tall)...I looked dead. And then around the same time my gender stuff started again...so I decided I wanted to transition from male-to-female. Soo, I got a job as a dishwasher (where I met a guy who I really liked and liked me, but turned down cause of my transition...tho we still talk and I care about him a lot) to pay for hormones.

    Well, after my gramma searched my room and found my hormones and told me I was weird and creepy and after a lot of drama, I had to back with my mom, even though I really, really didn't want to.

    Well, eventually, she started noticing stuff, so I had to tell her about my transition....she took it really bad at first and tried hard to stop me, but after a few arguments she ended up taking it better than I'd expected.

    Well...stuff was going okay. My gay sister came to live with us and I started passing as pretty cute girl, and then, well, I dunno...it just stopped feeling right and I had a lot of worries, soo, I quit taking hormones and cut my hair short to go back to being a gay male. Which has turned out to be harder than expected, and I still passed as female a LOT (I've only recently started passing as a boy, again).

    Well...after a family blowup me and my sister and her girlfriend couldn't handle living with our mom (she was being hateful) so we went to Seattle and were homeless for a few weeks...that was a particularly stressful trip, but I wanted to stay and make it work, cause I hated being at our mothers house. But she made me beg her to come back...she promised things would be different when we got back and that she'd take me out more (cause I have no license) so I wouldn't have to sit around the house being suicidal, constantly. Not only that, they spent all of my $900 on the trip, and promised to pay back 2/3 of it.

    Well, then, after we got back, I started seeing a couple guys. I had sex with one (lost my virginity) but then he got back with his ex a week later, even though he promised he'd only have sex if he was interested in a relationship, but, oh well.

    Well, I started feeling really depressed, again, and things have only been getting worse since then. I'm looking at my life and what I've got going...I live in the South, in a very rural bigoted area where people frequently call me names (I'm seen as either a gay male or a lesbian), I've been trying and trying to find work, with no luck, I have no relationship, no friends, never leave the house, really, even. I have severe depression, anxiety, and rage issues (very likely borderline personality disorder), no hs diploma/GED, no plans, no future....no fucking hope.

    I have recently had several very rageful, scary blow ups where I've thrown stuff, screamed, broken things, etc. One was directed at my sister where I was telling her what was bothering me...not in an appropriate way, but I was complaining how she just lets me rot here and hasn't paid back my money, and she told me she didn't care and wasn't going to pay me back, either. I then told her I was suicidal and she said she didn't care (this coming from the woman who used to work with at risk LGBT youth....made me feel totally unlovable), so I ended up smashing a wine bottle and my little brother had to hold me down while I tried to slash my wrists open with it. Now my sister won't even talk to me...

    I'm just...I can't keep this up. I'm only a person, you know? Since my last blowup I've been trying to make stuff get better. I've been trying to look more boyish because being called "ma'am" and "she" all the time is a painful reminder and makes me want to transition again, and then, too, I'm hoping I will have an easier time getting jobs if I'm not as much a visible minority. But really, it's not working too well and it's also making me feel like I'm losing myself.

    It's like....sorry this was rambling but I'm only human...how much am I supposed to take? How long am I supposed to go on having nothing and NO one with no future and like....I just want to die, now. But I'm too scared to do it, cause I'm a coward. I just wish someone would murder me...I have been talking to some sketch guys hoping...I dunno. I just want it to get better or be over....and I'm not sure HOW it gets better, from here..
     
  2. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Hey there,
    I just read your post and I'm sorry that life is so unfair right now for you. Don't change, be yourself, be strong and you are not alone. We are here for you.
    You have hope, and if you can;t see it right now, it's there and you have to find it. One of my friends is gay/lesbian (okay, I'm german, no idea what is right), too and she has problems, too, because people are making fun of her, but she is a sweetheart and I think this is important.
    Things will get better, even if it's not there right now. We are here for you and I wish you all the luck in the world to find a job, be accepted and that you will be happy.
    PM me if you wanna talk, okay? :hug:
     
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