I started thinking about suicide first when I was about 12 or 13, following being sexually abused by my grandfather. I just kept everything to myself and sort of went through the motions of going to school (no friends of course), no accomplishments, horrible self esteem.... Moved out around 16 to just get away from everything and lived alone and vulnerable in a big city. I struggled and fell into child prostitution. Dropped out of high school. Was raped and humiliated in ways that I feel Ill never get over. Struggled with drugs and an eating disorder which I never really got over... I later met the man who is now my husband who then abused me and finally managed to make me into a shell of a person I am today, if I ever was really a person who enjoyed life... He stopped being abusive it seems after I had no contact with the outside world, no friends or family, or any social networking outlets. Im locked at home all the time because I have no school or work, or a key to get in and out. Im pregnant now and I feel totally trapped and alone, and I get scared about having this baby because I am severely depressed and I dont know if I can take proper care of it.. when I can barely get out bed and bathe myself everyday. So when does itt get better? The only time I ever felt happy was when I was high, which I dont do anymore. I feel like I am totally alone and at the end of my rope. I feel like I cant kill myself because of the baby, so all I want to do is harm myself... but Im afraid of what my husband would do if he found out.