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Is there something wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by trinisty, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. trinisty

    trinisty Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm new in here and English isn't my first language so I apologize for weirdness (is that a word?) or bad grammar.

    I believe that this forum will listen to me, because it seems that I don't have any friend to talk about my problem. So I really thank you guys in advance for reading my post :hearts:

    So yeah, it's 2015, my first new year resolution is to confess to a girl (which is my best friend for 4 years) that I really like her. So I did, well not really. My plan is that I want to talk to her in person, so I messaged her and said "hey, I want to talk with you about something" on 7th Jan. So I waited her to reply for like 5-6 days after I messaged her and she did reply and said "I'm sorry, I'm really scared to discuss this because I'm kinda know what are you going to say and I don't know how to answer it". So we were chatting for 10 minutes or so about whether or not I should confess.

    In my head, all I want to say is this: "look, I really like you for the past 2 years, you are an amazing girl that appreciate others. You do know that I have a depressive personalities, I like to insult myself, say sorry a lot, feel guilty all the time, and so on. Because you always appreciate others, including me, I feel so comfortable beside and talking to you. I don't want to force you to be my girlfriend, because I feel I'm not good enough, but if you do like me back, just say it but it's your choice whether you want to date me right now, or like a month later, I just want to know your feeling about me. But if you don't like me, it's fine too, I was kinda expecting that, but still I want you to tell me about it, and I won't be sad or feel bad about it. So... do you like me or not?" That was the script inside my head, and it didn't happen. I didn't have a chance to talk about that.

    I believed that MAYBE my best friend was thinking that if I confess then I'm forcing her to be my girlfriend, and if she doesn't want to, then I won't talk to her anymore. Now why is this bad? Because right now, she won't reply to any of my message, I believe she hates me now. She means a lot to me, she helped me live for more than 4 years. She helped me to relief my stress, she loved to fool around with me, and I usually helped her with some of her assignments in high school. We used to skype until 1 am almost everyday, we discussed everything... like... everything... even poop... dog poop or something else. We laughed, shared moments together. I love her, I really really love her. I never love a girl this much, I can't even explain how much she means to me. And now, the girl that I really really love... hates me. She doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I feel so bad, like really bad, this is not what it's suppose to. I can't sleep or eat for 3 days. Even that she really hates, in my deepest heart, I still believe that maybe someday... SOMEDAY she will love me back, I hope so.

    Am I doing something wrong? Should I move on? I really really REALLY don't want to move on. I still love her...
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome,

    I do not think from what you have shared here is that she hates you. She's probably shy or uncomfortable or not ready for a relationship but not hating you.
    I do not think you have done anything wrong, considering you were her best friend I think she's too embarrassed to say yes or no to you, because you know her so well.
    Have you tried contacting her in the past 3 days, it may be a good idea to and if she doesn't even reply as least you can tell your self you tried!!
    I understand that it's a very difficult situation to be in but I hope it all works out for you and if not there are plenty more nice girls out there!

    :hug: for you
     
  3. trinisty

    trinisty Well-Known Member

    I did contact her, I explained to her that I didn't mean to do this. But it seems that she doesn't want to talk back. Thanks for the hug, here's a :hug: for you too.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Maybe she is just not ready yet to talk it out with you, I don't think she will ignore you forever.Give it some more time, us girls do get moody lol

    P.S I think what you were going to say to her is really beautiful and worded very well :)
     
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