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Is this a right reason to do it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dan88, Jan 28, 2008.

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  1. dan88

    dan88 Member

    Hi all, my name is Dan, First off, let me say that I'm sorry for bothering you guys with my problems, I honestly don't like doing that, but the truth is that I come here today with a problem that has been hunting me for many years now, and as you might have guessed it, Suicide seems the right decision for me right now.

    I don't want to turn this into a long boring speech, so I will try to go straight to the point (thank god for the internet, this is something I thought I would never be able to get off my chest, but I know you guys here are ready to listen and give me your best advice, with out being judgmental or anything.).

    I'll start the story a long time ago (at least it seems like that), when I was a little kid, I had the most wonderful life, I had no fears, I was outgoing, and free, I loved everything about me and my life, but then off course, comes adolescence, I couldn't really explain what happened, but it seems that from one day to another, everything came down, sadness came into my life and just took control, to fast forward a bit, I no longer enjoy parties, family reunions, or any other type of meetings, it is not that I fear them, but I honestly don't find the fun in them, obviously this leads to a lot of solitude, and depression, but here is where the sad part comes.

    I don't know if this was a reaction towards my loneliness or simply the way I was born, but I have become a very harmful person, and the worst part of it, is that I don't harm just anyone, randomly, but I tend to look for that one special person and do the harm to them, For now, Least-worst part of the story is that those persons have not yet realized the person I really Am, but I am afraid that I feel that breaking point coming.

    I don't want to commit suicide because I'm lonely, but because I don't want to cause harm to others, Is that a valid reason for suicide?.

    In advance, I want to thank anyone who lasted this long boring speech, the truth is that it helps getting things out.

  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    I dont think there is ever a "valid" reason to kill yourself. But the fact that you are hurting others is unacceptable, is it physical? You should distance yourself from the people who trigger you to prevent such occurances. There are more options than death.
  3. dan88

    dan88 Member

    Hi Blackness, Thanks for your reply, well, I don't hurt them physically, it is more mentally, although some times I am getting these urges to physically harm them.
    About the other ways to cope with this, it seems really hard for me, cause like I said, I hurt only the ones close to me, not only people I have know for a long time, but anyone who I can get close to, so the only way to treat this would be to completely Isolate myself, and to be honest that is not a very attractive solution, so I suicide seems quite a good solution,
    But like I said, thanks for the concern, somehow, I know that deeply it really helps.
  4. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    ever thought you'd hurt them even more if you kill yourself?
  5. El Mas

    El Mas Active Member

    That aint never a good reason. Your not helping anyone by doin yourself in. We all act stupid sometimes, get in fights, say shit you dont mean that u cant take back. The way i see it is you have to make it up to this person that you hurt and you cant go anyware till u paid your debt. and when you do hope fully youll feel beter.
  6. dan88

    dan88 Member

    Hi Blackness, thanks again for the reply,
    To answer your post, I have thought of that, and here is my conclusion, if I do kill myself it will cause them great pain (At least I think it might), and that itself is very bad, but I keep thinking that in some point (Not very far) I could simply pop, and the harm I could cause would be so big that you couldn't even compare it to the harm if I killed Myself, so in an aftermath, I will cause them pain, one way or the other, so the best I can do, is try to cause the least amount of pain possible.
    Thanks for the Post
  7. dan88

    dan88 Member

    Hi El Mas, Thanks for your Comment
    Saying I'm sorry would really be a relief for me, but like I said on my first post, the problem is that I have managed to cause harm with out them really knowing that I did, or at least with out them knowing that I was the person who did it. so by telling them I would be reveling them a person they are sure to hate, and like I said, I have the intention to cause the least harm possible. And there happens to be a problem, as one of the people I caused a lot of harm to died, some years ago, so there is no way I could apologize now.

    But thanks for the comment, I guess I will have to sit a while to think the real pros and cons of doing that.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Dan. I don't think that killing yourself is the answer. You just need to stop hurting the people that love you. Do you know why it is that you hurt these people? Maybe you do it to feel better about yourself?
  9. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    If you think the people you love are hurt now, think of what your death would do to them.

    I think you have developed depression and depression is treatable. Like you said, talking about it helps, so the fight is far from over :)

    You sound like a nice person, and people need to hear that you don't mean to hurt them, that isn't who you are inside.
  10. dan88

    dan88 Member

    Hi Tinypixie and Dave, Thanks for your comments, First to Dave, there is no real reason why I believe I do those things, perhaps it could be a reaction from depression, but the truth is that I can't control it, you have no Idea how much I have tried to avoid it, but just when I think I'm in control, for no apparent reason I turn into another person, one I can't control, But like you said (and Tiny), I could try to work it out, who knows, it might be treatable, but The problem I see is those people who already suffered from what I did, There is no way I could tell them, so there is no way I could apologize, but to tell you the truth, I don't want to be forgiven, there are things in live that one could maybe forgive, but there are others that don't deserve the least bit of forgiveness, and I personally think that is my situation, I know I deserve to suffer for what I did, so that is why I don't apologize, but the problem is that I can't take any more pain, I am beginning to go crazy, I think that it would be best for all if I simply went away.

    Thanks for the comments, and for your support, it really means a lot to me,

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    everyone owns his very valid reason to kill himself
    killing yourself is about not BEARING any second left
    you dont bother about reasons because you ve considered them like a long time ago -2 years for me

    your post is much more about a cry for help than suicide in itself if u want my opinion
  12. jonstark

    jonstark Well-Known Member

    Hey, dan88, thank you for sharing your story with us! You sound like you are in a depression. Try to read about the condition around the net. Depression plays with one's thoughts. People that haven't been through depression can't really understand it, and hence it is natural you'd want to never explain to them how you feel. Clueless people tend to feel you are messed up and feel scared and threatened, and sometimes even hurt by you. Depression and mania (which often comes hand in hand with depression) do cause you to do and say things that you ordinarily would not do or say. People say stupid stuff. Shit happens. Opinions change. It's ok to apologize. Note that no matter how much you've achieved, depression will make you feel like scum. Churchill and Hemingway and Trent Reznor (and others) often felt like garbage at the heights of their careers.

    Your suicidal ideas are realistic and reasonable. In the inferno of depression, the thought of suicide is a welcome reprieve. But the beauty of suicide is that you can always do it tomorrow. When one seriously considers suicide, he makes the basic assumption things can't become worse. But if things can't become worse, they can only become better, and hence it pays off to wait until tomorrow. You can always kill yourself tomorrow. Suicide is an everyday in a lifetime opportunity. And depression generally abates over time.

    Hold on and take care and good luck, dan88!
  13. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Hi Dan and welcome. Can you be a little more specific about how you hurt these people? I mean, lots of people hurt the ones they love the most. The reason we do it is because we KNOW that we can hurt them and they will still love and accept us. For example, you have a shitty day at work, your boss treats you like crap, etc., but you sure as heck don't take it out on him/her, because you would get fired. So you go home and snap at your spouse or your family to release some of this pressure. You argue with them for no reason, etc. No, it's not right, but it happens all the time. We all do this at some point, but it doesn't make us bad people, just human. Regarding your depression and isolation, that also has a lot to do with it. It's painful for you to have to tell your family every other day that you don't want to be with them (for reasons unknown even to yourself), so you push them away, secretly hoping that they will either give up on you and leave you in your solitude or recognize it as a cry for help and reach out to you.

    Is this a good reason for suicide? Certainly not! Surely you should go to a therapist or a shrink, maybe get on some medication? Sounds like you may have depression with some social anxiety mixed in for spice. There are meds that make this a very manageable condition. Trust me, I know all too well :) Some of it is also managed by simply getting out and doing the things you don't feel like doing anyway...it helps with your self-esteem.

    Trust me, you are far from being a hopeless case. I have personally known many people with the same problem and suffered from it myself. Part of the crappy feeling you have is the fact that perhaps nobody even knows what you are dealing with because you can put up a facade of normalcy, which increases feelings of isolation and helplessness. Please consider talking to someone (a doctor, a family member, etc.). You don't have to do this alone.
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