i don’t actually know. but i do have a tentative plan. maybe it has come about for bad reasons. maybe i’m purely speculating. but then i wonder, should i go with my feelings? here it is. i was working with a therapist for 3 and a half years. she did specific things in the name of therapy which resulted in my falling in love with her. i really do doubt that it was a malicious act. it may have been careless. or she may have genuinely thought that the only way to get anywhere with me (i believe i was and am still highly BPD) was to get to my emotions. she took a couple journeys through the burned out battelfields in my mind and the swamps and other waste land until i and she came upon my garden (the ruins of it anyway) and my treasure chest. it me it was obvious that anyone who was there when i opened it i would fall in love with for ever. she got me to open it and sure enough i did fall in love with her and i do believe it is forever. well, a lot has happened since then. that was about 3 years ago and i kept working with here and expressing my love. she did make it clear that having some kind of real shared love with here would never be. but she did nothing to curb my love in an effective way. i think she simply tried to make it into a more general love of another person rather than the love of a man toward a woman. it did not work and i told her so many times. she kept insisting that we work together and i cant help feeling that her desire to work with me was genuine and caring. i gave her presents. little insignificant things. something from my childhood that i wanted her to have. a state quarter from her home state. an inexpensive beautiful object. $20. these were not to be things of monetary value but expressions of love and admiration. in time my love changed to holdin her in high regard for her knowledge and skill which may have been full of mistakes but still i believed done with compasssion and good science. i wont tell all the details but nearly a year ago my state of mind had gotten worse. maybe you might suspect that that meant the therapy was not working. maybe it wasn’t or maybe it was. i don’t know but i do believe that even though my state of mind was worsening (wanting to die), i really felt and still feel that there is just so much work that needs to be done that i really did need to get worse before getting any better. but there were still very hard times and it likely took its toll on my therapist. we both individually and together realized i needed intensive help. she always had expressed that she would always work with me and when we found the intensive program i am in now, she said she would work with me when i finished that program. there were also financial issues along the way. difficulties with an employer’s benefit plan, beyond the regular insurance. that was a huge stumbling block but for a time she offered to work pro bono. it actually turned into not collecting my copayments. but i had been working with the intensive program and not her for a few months and just found out - as i’ve mentioned before on this site - that my company changed insurance plans and neither my intensive program or my former therapist take the new insurance. that screws me royally i think but..... i asked to meet with her i guess to say good by. or to see what other options might be around. and today i did meet with her. she explained that she couldn’t work with me since she does not take the new insurance. she explained that she would not work pro bone. that was no longer possible. she even understands that i have openly expressed that i will no longer do therapy. i did not tell her why though. i didn’t tell her because even though i feel she made gross mistakes and did not do right by me, i love her. i never felt this way before except with her. but i needed to part with her with the love unscathed. i so much don’t want to hate her or have any kind of bad feeling. she also has a meditation group that i’ve attended and she kind of was under the impression (from me) that i would attend that regualrly now that therapy was no longer an option. i told her there was a chance that i would not do that either. today when we met, i gave her a christmas present. just a card and one of the poems i had written for her. (what a fool i am, right?) i gave her a poem because i love her. but i will never see her again. i won’t do therapy anymore. i won’t meditate with her. i don’t know if i will meditate at all but probably will because i know of another group. i wish i could still work with her but she won’t do it for free. i can’t afford to pay out of pocket. she did not offer a sliding scale for working with her but did not rule it out. but nothing specific was offered - at least not for now. i took all this as a sign that she actually does not want to work with me at all. that she is likely happy that the insurance situation happened. she did distance herself in the past year. i am just a foolish man who fell in love. it is the usual sick story about the fool man in love with the beautiful woman. i’m so sad and so stupid. i need to think poorly of her and reject her as a nice person, but i can’t. people may come along and tell me i shoudl not say bad things about myself or maybe even of her. i will never know the truth. i just have to live severely hurt by the therapy that was supposed to save me. i will never trust another therapist. male or female. i’ve seen them in action. they will lie in any way necessary in order to get the patient to cooperate with the help. maybe tricking a patient into cooperating is good, but most of all it is simply a lie and i have been lied to by her and by my present therapist in teh intensive program. now with the new year, i’m expected to start all over. i wasted nearly 4 years. if i was 23 it would be ok but i’m nearly 66. i don’t have time to play around with lying therapists. i self harm and that part of me has not really changed. i presently can cling to this one week (actually the past 6 days) where for the first tme in years i have been able to slightly control my self harm. i am trying and i will keep trying but only time will tell for sure. i will never go back to a therapist. not psychiatrists, no drugs, no intensive programs. i will either do it myself or die from self harm. i don’t konw of another option.