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is this a strategy for success

Discussion in 'Strategies for Success' started by extraterrestrialone, Dec 23, 2017.

  1. extraterrestrialone

    extraterrestrialone assembled words SF Supporter

    i don’t actually know. but i do have a tentative plan. maybe it has come about for bad reasons. maybe i’m purely speculating. but then i wonder, should i go with my feelings? here it is. i was working with a therapist for 3 and a half years. she did specific things in the name of therapy which resulted in my falling in love with her. i really do doubt that it was a malicious act. it may have been careless. or she may have genuinely thought that the only way to get anywhere with me (i believe i was and am still highly BPD) was to get to my emotions. she took a couple journeys through the burned out battelfields in my mind and the swamps and other waste land until i and she came upon my garden (the ruins of it anyway) and my treasure chest. it me it was obvious that anyone who was there when i opened it i would fall in love with for ever. she got me to open it and sure enough i did fall in love with her and i do believe it is forever.

    well, a lot has happened since then. that was about 3 years ago and i kept working with here and expressing my love. she did make it clear that having some kind of real shared love with here would never be. but she did nothing to curb my love in an effective way. i think she simply tried to make it into a more general love of another person rather than the love of a man toward a woman. it did not work and i told her so many times. she kept insisting that we work together and i cant help feeling that her desire to work with me was genuine and caring. i gave her presents. little insignificant things. something from my childhood that i wanted her to have. a state quarter from her home state. an inexpensive beautiful object. $20. these were not to be things of monetary value but expressions of love and admiration. in time my love changed to holdin her in high regard for her knowledge and skill which may have been full of mistakes but still i believed done with compasssion and good science.

    i wont tell all the details but nearly a year ago my state of mind had gotten worse. maybe you might suspect that that meant the therapy was not working. maybe it wasn’t or maybe it was. i don’t know but i do believe that even though my state of mind was worsening (wanting to die), i really felt and still feel that there is just so much work that needs to be done that i really did need to get worse before getting any better. but there were still very hard times and it likely took its toll on my therapist. we both individually and together realized i needed intensive help. she always had expressed that she would always work with me and when we found the intensive program i am in now, she said she would work with me when i finished that program. there were also financial issues along the way. difficulties with an employer’s benefit plan, beyond the regular insurance. that was a huge stumbling block but for a time she offered to work pro bono. it actually turned into not collecting my copayments. but i had been working with the intensive program and not her for a few months and just found out - as i’ve mentioned before on this site - that my company changed insurance plans and neither my intensive program or my former therapist take the new insurance. that screws me royally i think but.....

    i asked to meet with her i guess to say good by. or to see what other options might be around. and today i did meet with her. she explained that she couldn’t work with me since she does not take the new insurance. she explained that she would not work pro bone. that was no longer possible. she even understands that i have openly expressed that i will no longer do therapy. i did not tell her why though. i didn’t tell her because even though i feel she made gross mistakes and did not do right by me, i love her. i never felt this way before except with her. but i needed to part with her with the love unscathed. i so much don’t want to hate her or have any kind of bad feeling. she also has a meditation group that i’ve attended and she kind of was under the impression (from me) that i would attend that regualrly now that therapy was no longer an option. i told her there was a chance that i would not do that either.

    today when we met, i gave her a christmas present. just a card and one of the poems i had written for her. (what a fool i am, right?) i gave her a poem because i love her. but i will never see her again. i won’t do therapy anymore. i won’t meditate with her. i don’t know if i will meditate at all but probably will because i know of another group. i wish i could still work with her but she won’t do it for free. i can’t afford to pay out of pocket. she did not offer a sliding scale for working with her but did not rule it out. but nothing specific was offered - at least not for now. i took all this as a sign that she actually does not want to work with me at all. that she is likely happy that the insurance situation happened. she did distance herself in the past year. i am just a foolish man who fell in love. it is the usual sick story about the fool man in love with the beautiful woman. i’m so sad and so stupid. i need to think poorly of her and reject her as a nice person, but i can’t. people may come along and tell me i shoudl not say bad things about myself or maybe even of her. i will never know the truth. i just have to live severely hurt by the therapy that was supposed to save me. i will never trust another therapist. male or female. i’ve seen them in action. they will lie in any way necessary in order to get the patient to cooperate with the help. maybe tricking a patient into cooperating is good, but most of all it is simply a lie and i have been lied to by her and by my present therapist in teh intensive program. now with the new year, i’m expected to start all over. i wasted nearly 4 years. if i was 23 it would be ok but i’m nearly 66. i don’t have time to play around with lying therapists. i self harm and that part of me has not really changed. i presently can cling to this one week (actually the past 6 days) where for the first tme in years i have been able to slightly control my self harm. i am trying and i will keep trying but only time will tell for sure. i will never go back to a therapist. not psychiatrists, no drugs, no intensive programs. i will either do it myself or die from self harm.

    i don’t konw of another option.
  2. extraterrestrialone

    extraterrestrialone assembled words SF Supporter

    i am working on succeeding on my own. i don’t want to die.
  3. HumanExMachina

    HumanExMachina Pizza Spaceman Forum Pro SF Artist SF Supporter

    Probably not. Feelings are like the weather: unpredictable and ever changing.
  4. extraterrestrialone

    extraterrestrialone assembled words SF Supporter

    my feelings are not unpredictable. if the answer is “Probably not” i want to know a better reason. there is no unpredicting my feelings. in the whole process of therapy with her, i have created a permanent spot for her up here. she owns that. she does.
  5. SofiaLisbon

    SofiaLisbon Well-Known Member

    Hey :). How are you? 3 years doing therapy is some time, and I understand that it builds a (strong) relationship between the therapist and the patient. But at the same time, I think her position is not very easy too, I don't know the reasons why she stopped working with the insurance company, but its understandable that she doesn't want to work for free. After all we all have bills that we need to pay.
    Maybe she felt that she wasn't helping you much? Because if you say that 1 year ago you started to feel that things were worse, maybe she felt that too and maybe some frustration on her side, since she was working with you for 2 years till that time.
    You have your feelings and I'm not saying that they're not valid, but its just that maybe her position wasn't easy too. I'd try to find another therapist in your situation, try with a different person and maybe things will work out. Its good to have someone with a more positive look on things to influence our thoughts, we may not realize it but it helps and also to help us analyze what we can do to change things and what we cannot.
    extraterrestrialone likes this.
  6. extraterrestrialone

    extraterrestrialone assembled words SF Supporter

    it isnt that she stopped taking the insurance. my company changed plans. you could be right about how she feels about that. but she presents it to me as if she doesn’t really care and just has a bunch of excuses. also i fill in love with her. i said things and wrote poems. those are things that should/might have made her send me away when i first did that but she still insisted that i continue with her and that after the intensive program she’d work with me.
  7. SofiaLisbon

    SofiaLisbon Well-Known Member

    It seems like she choose to ignore what you were feeling, and continued to work with you, which to be honest, that doesn't say much about her feelings. Im assuming that when you started to develop feelings she was already working with you for some time. She had already invested time and effort in your case. It doesn't seem she encouraged you on those feelings, it just seems like she ignored them and continued to work.
  8. extraterrestrialone

    extraterrestrialone assembled words SF Supporter

    i wanted to also say that now i feel so stupid. there is so much in my life now connected to that. i feel like how stupid i am to have carried on like that. i should not have been in a situation like that but my BPD or whatever it is set me up for it. i’m feeling suddenly out in the open. i’m an adult and can only behave like a child. i am what i say mental health care workers treat people with personality disorders like. children who cannot control their own behavior. but it just makes me feel like a fool and want to die.
  9. recoverycnt

    recoverycnt Member

    I am actually feeling sorry for you that you just faced this kind of miserable things during your treatment. But you can't give up like this you have to continue your treatment or go for medication. Because it's your life you don't know how many years have been left so you have to enjoy each and every moment of your life. You can also go for Outpatient detox where you do not have to stay. It's your life take the wise decision.
    extraterrestrialone likes this.
  10. extraterrestrialone

    extraterrestrialone assembled words SF Supporter

    i already decided to not use meds. i don’t want that stuff in my brain my problem area in my brain is so closely connected to everything that is good that i fear the meds will damage the good part of me. my doctors at the intensive program acknowledged my feelings about this and are ok with my not taking meds. they’ve been very openminded and understanding.
  11. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    I'm sorry that you got wrapped up in this love for your therapist. That's real unfortunate. Honestly she should've stopped seeing you the moment you told her you were feeling that way and she did you a disservice by continuing to see you at all. She's got poor boundaries and it affected you in a bad way -- that's why the psych field has those rules, so things like this don't happen to people. I hope that you begin to feel better soon, man.
  12. extraterrestrialone

    extraterrestrialone assembled words SF Supporter

    i’m not sure you are right. because she did tell me that this was a way into my brain. i do feel somewhat about what you are saying, but i think the process did hurt her as well. that was something she knows she did not have to go through, i suppose it could just be me defending her because of love then again she may have been in some kind of feeling also and you can’t automatically write of a person who gives in to those feelings. now i’ve been saying that i have an undercurrent of sadness and despair. i do. and it has me in a really bad place. this love and the fact that my company changed insurance so i have lost her and my intensive therapy program because they don’t take the new insurance. i really do see it as being in a very hopeless situation. what goes on in my mind is not good for me. but i do struggle. i do try. maybe thngs will change.
  13. extraterrestrialone

    extraterrestrialone assembled words SF Supporter

    thank you.