Is this all my fault?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by cloud9, Feb 17, 2010.

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  1. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I ponder over some of the decisions I've made in the past and I feel like the reason I feel as crummy as I do these days came from my decision to attend my university. I had a choice to go to school close to home or away. I could have studied Life Sciences, but instead I went to pursue accounting. I had never taken an accounting course in high school. I feel like I just got caught up in the excitement of getting away from home.

    Big Deal? What does my choice of university have to do with any of my problems? I think I had a much better relationship with my parents before leaving for university. I mean I was actually more obedient to them. I wouldn't take decisions or actions if it would make them unhappy. I would at the very least at least think twice about what I did. Going away has seemed to erode my respect for my parents. Going away to school really exposed me to new things that I wasn't accustomed to. It created a desire for those new things. Girlfriends, alcohol, drugs, unhalal food. These were never part of the equation with my high school friends. We were so straight laced that it made it easy to stay away from those sort of things. Coming into university I thrust myself into a group of Asians. No one had the cultural and religious rigidity that I was used to. In fact many were atheists and they did all those things.

    My first two years I really tried to.....lack of a better word...."behave?" Okay stay true to those invisible boundaries I had set for myself. My comfort zone. All it did was isolate me from my program mates and stir up a deep hatred for religion in me. Then sometime last year I just exploded. I tried to mix and mingle the best way I could with those in my program. I really wanted to, but now wanting the things I shouldn't have has become unbearable. I've lied to my parents numerous times to hang out with my schoolmates. Lieing doesn't even make me pause anymore because I'm so keen on doing it. Now I don't respect my parents. Hell I hate spending time with them. When I am home from school, I just stay in my room. Its not like I can open up to them which I guess would be normal in a "normal" family. Not mine.

    After typing all this shit I seem to have forgotten why I'm doing this...
    I guess I just feel stale or broken. As far as my parents are concerned, if I opened up to them they'd probably like to put me through some sort of cultural rehab. I don't want it, but maybe I would've had I stayed home for school. I still would've hung out with those high school friends who.....brought the better person out in me.

    Is my nosedive of a life the result of one misinformed dinky decision? I really don't see myself changing my mind about these things at this point. I've successfully made myself incompatible with my family, religion and community.

    Heh, but you know what's strange. I don't really feel completely compatible with my asian friends. Just to clarify, when I mean asian, I'm referring to Chinese, Koreans etc.
    When I do stuff with them, I'm always a bit of an oddball. Eating out we're always having sushi or something asian. Just the other day I tried hot pot for the first time. It was neat, I mean I'm getting to try all these new things with them, but I felt a little stupid, different for not knowing what they all did. Its like a constant reminder that I'm brown, the only brown guy so I'll never fit in perfectly. I hate it, I wish it wasn't the case. If I could I'd peel my skin off and become asian, hell even white. I don't like the brown crowd at all. It just sucks being different and I just want to belong and be like everyone else. Why can't I just be a normal brown guy who loves his brown company?

    Yea I know.........I'm a strange case...
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not strange. I sort of did the same thing when I went to college. I left my family and really straight-laced friends and went off to school, and for the first two years I managed to keep it together. And then I don't know what happened, but everything I'd been avoiding for those two years seemed too appealing, and I completely changed in the span of a few months.

    I don't have too many answers; I was never too close with my family, so I've only rebuilt relationships with a few family members. The main thing is that you have to figure out what you really want in life, and sometimes that takes a while!
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are unique...that is not a bad thing...and you always have time to rethink what you want to do in life...find something you have a passion for, and get it...there are no perception police, so you are free to choose...you have abilities and can follow through with your goals (accounting is no walk in the park...I know, just ask my accountant)...so reset the options and move forward...life is messy, but very short...best of luck, J
     
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I know it's not as easy for you to just chase what you want because you have the barrier of religion and tradition holding you back. I just think it depends on your faith now, you can make your own decisions regarding your religion, and it's not like your parents can find out what you're doing miles from home. Do you have faith, or will you betray your religion?
     
  5. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Yea I definitely don't enjoy accounting, but making a change like that this late in my studies is just impossible. I mean my parents couldn't pay and I'm sure they would rather not pay. I'd just drown myself in more debt. Not worth it for another undergraduate degree as I'm already in fourth year. My only real option is professional school of some sort and those aren't easy to get into nor do I have all the prerequisites at this stage. Maybe I'll give prof school a shot...

    My parents don't know what I'm doing miles away from home, but at some point they'd find out right? At some point I'm going to be done uni and come back home. They definitely won't like the changes in me. Not praying and the people I hang out with. I'm worried about be disowned or viewed so negatively by my family and extended family. I know my parents would be so ashamed of me and they'll just cut me off. If I don't have a family who wants me in.....then who do I have? Being alone feels scary. No one to fall back on. Generally its family who will give a rats ass about you right? Who will care when times are tough or I get his by a bus if my family can't stand the sight of me. I really don't see friends coming to the rescue.

    I feel like this is all a mental barrier. Heh who would have thought it would be so hard to lift. My friends from back home are pretty religious. Some of their friends come to my university. I'm worried they may see me doing some unacceptable things and tell my friends back home. I'm still a bit cautious in public at uni. I need to get farrrrr awayyyy...
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    If your in your fourth year I would say hang in there and graduate.. My neices husband took accounting and when he got out of school he got his first job paying eighty some thousand a year.. Within his first year working he changed jobs making one hundred eight thousand a year..Your in a position where you can have a very lucrative life..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2010
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