I just recently got hired at a new job after being jobless since October 2011. That's when I had my most recent suicide attempt by a medication overdose and was removed from my university, put into ICU for 2 days, and sent to the ward. I was only released once my fathers crap of insurance discontinued to pay for any more stays, so they put me into weekly counseling and monthly therapy. It's been a roller-coaster ride of medications for my PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and anxiety issues. Here and there I still suffer from hallucinations, and have just wondered is this all there is to life?
I mean after applying at jobs for months on end and being denied over and over and over... I should be happy to have landed a job. At least my mother is anyways since I'm back at home living with her. Things just haven't been working out at all, not at this new retail job nor with this new online college (have my AAS, getting my BA) I've been trying to get into. I'm in so much depth from all these medical bills (my mothers been hiding them from me in fear I'll just get overwhelmed and try to kill myself again). I understand where she's coming from because I HAVE considered it. This job is just having a hard time wanting to be flexible with me schedule-wise because my counseling and therapy are never on a set schedule nor is this stupid job. So just imagine how awful it is trying to find days to work.
Anyways.. I'm just back to my old ways working 5-6 days a week. Just a numb shell with no social life, no nothing. I feel like no one understands at all where I am coming from and they keep telling me "That's life" etc and if that's all that is destined to be in my life than I don't want to participate in it anymore. I don't want to keep chugging along for what? THIS? This pathetic life? A life where I will always be medicated, always hallucinate, always feel like every step I've taken has been a waste of time?
I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm tired of being like this. I can't even date anyone because no guy is willing to deal with me, and the guys that do want to date me are disgusting. I just wish I was a different person, had a different life, maybe even be a different race if I could. I just want to be done, I always circle back to these feelings so maybe it's telling me something.:blub:
I mean after applying at jobs for months on end and being denied over and over and over... I should be happy to have landed a job. At least my mother is anyways since I'm back at home living with her. Things just haven't been working out at all, not at this new retail job nor with this new online college (have my AAS, getting my BA) I've been trying to get into. I'm in so much depth from all these medical bills (my mothers been hiding them from me in fear I'll just get overwhelmed and try to kill myself again). I understand where she's coming from because I HAVE considered it. This job is just having a hard time wanting to be flexible with me schedule-wise because my counseling and therapy are never on a set schedule nor is this stupid job. So just imagine how awful it is trying to find days to work.
Anyways.. I'm just back to my old ways working 5-6 days a week. Just a numb shell with no social life, no nothing. I feel like no one understands at all where I am coming from and they keep telling me "That's life" etc and if that's all that is destined to be in my life than I don't want to participate in it anymore. I don't want to keep chugging along for what? THIS? This pathetic life? A life where I will always be medicated, always hallucinate, always feel like every step I've taken has been a waste of time?
I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm tired of being like this. I can't even date anyone because no guy is willing to deal with me, and the guys that do want to date me are disgusting. I just wish I was a different person, had a different life, maybe even be a different race if I could. I just want to be done, I always circle back to these feelings so maybe it's telling me something.:blub: