Is this all there is to life...?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Starrbaby235, Sep 4, 2012.

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  1. Starrbaby235

    Starrbaby235 Member

    I just recently got hired at a new job after being jobless since October 2011. That's when I had my most recent suicide attempt by a medication overdose and was removed from my university, put into ICU for 2 days, and sent to the ward. I was only released once my fathers crap of insurance discontinued to pay for any more stays, so they put me into weekly counseling and monthly therapy. It's been a roller-coaster ride of medications for my PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and anxiety issues. Here and there I still suffer from hallucinations, and have just wondered is this all there is to life?

    I mean after applying at jobs for months on end and being denied over and over and over... I should be happy to have landed a job. At least my mother is anyways since I'm back at home living with her. Things just haven't been working out at all, not at this new retail job nor with this new online college (have my AAS, getting my BA) I've been trying to get into. I'm in so much depth from all these medical bills (my mothers been hiding them from me in fear I'll just get overwhelmed and try to kill myself again). I understand where she's coming from because I HAVE considered it. This job is just having a hard time wanting to be flexible with me schedule-wise because my counseling and therapy are never on a set schedule nor is this stupid job. So just imagine how awful it is trying to find days to work.

    Anyways.. I'm just back to my old ways working 5-6 days a week. Just a numb shell with no social life, no nothing. I feel like no one understands at all where I am coming from and they keep telling me "That's life" etc and if that's all that is destined to be in my life than I don't want to participate in it anymore. I don't want to keep chugging along for what? THIS? This pathetic life? A life where I will always be medicated, always hallucinate, always feel like every step I've taken has been a waste of time?

    I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm tired of being like this. I can't even date anyone because no guy is willing to deal with me, and the guys that do want to date me are disgusting. I just wish I was a different person, had a different life, maybe even be a different race if I could. I just want to be done, I always circle back to these feelings so maybe it's telling me something.:blub:
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    It's funny that you put it that way--so eloquently--is this all? I'm reminded of a famous writer who broke it big time and became rich and famous, when it suddenly registered in much the same matter, is that all? I'm still depressed, etc., etc.! I can relate to what you say about working and doing little to nothing else, with regards social life. I go to work every day, come home, and go to bed. I get up, get ready, go to work, come home, and go to bed. I do think that you should be commended for finally scoring a job though, that's great work, way to persevere! I know it's almost automatic to look at all of the things in our lives that have gone wrong, but sometimes, it's okay to recognize what's gone right... I think you've got a lot more going for you than you may realize or even imagine. For one, you've survived, and despite how lucky/unlucky you may feel about that now, I hope that one day soon you'll be able to be happy about that fact. Good Luck!
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, appreciate the fact that you've got a job. I'd kill to have a job but no one will hire me. Be happy about that and be proud of yourself for getting a job. Jobs are hard to come by these days. I can understand where you are coming from by ' is this it'? I often ask myself the same question, but I'm starting psychotherapy on the 11th so I'm hoping things will start to change then. I wish you the best, and suicide is not the answer. Good luck to you and well wishes xox
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