Is this any good?

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Wit-and-Wisdom, Jun 30, 2009.

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  1. Hi, i wrote this little piece today in work however i'm not quite sure if it is good or not. At the time it seemed decent but that may be because of the relative mundanity i was shrouded in at the time i did it. I would appreciate any comments, opinions or advice (regarding the axing of the second part)

    I need to die
    So I know I'm alive
    A victim of youth
    Resting In Pieces
    Peace and I, together
    Forever like loneliness
    While THE (or my, i'm not sure about this bit) brittle body
    Burdens someone new

    The disenchanted crowd
    Will loudly cheer
    While clinking their beers
    But one old man,
    A chronic fool
    Will daftly say,
    "I must have liked him
    For I've forgot him"


    :S
     
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    IT'S VERY GOOD; KEEP THE SECOND PART (stanza...whatever) and use "my"
    instead of "the in the first part you asked about, I think it should be "my brittle body".

    I'm no expert but I do read quite a lot and it is very, very, good. Love to see more, do you have some? That's pretty powerful and sad at the same time.
     
  3. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    I like it a lot!! You seem to have a talent for writing. :smile:
     
  4. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    It's very good, and definitly would like to see more of it! :)
     
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