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is this finally the place I won't be shamed or stigmatized?

namdrow

New Member
#1
I've struggled with emotional dysregulation my whole life, and been traumatized by therapy over and over.

My mind goes to suicidal thoughts when certain types of triggers occur, and I find them to be really more like a desire to make the pain stop and fear that I will kill myself to do it. An example from when I was younger <mod edit - method> They talk about having a "plan" but whenever it's gotten so bad for me to actually think about "planning" I don't have the energy to execute on anything anyway.

When I'm not in that place it is like I am a different person, and I can't even remember what it was like to feel that way, compounding the anxiety that when I get into that place I won't be able to stop myself from doing something even though fundamentally I don't want to. I feel like I'm letting my friends and family down because no matter how much I get treatment, I always come back here sometimes. Sometimes when I am doing well I speak openly / publicly about having had suicidal thoughts / ideations and the reaction is always so ... pearl-clutchy? And after I got hospitalized once after a therapist called 911 on me for expressing the feelings I was having, I've just learned not to talk about it when I'm feeling it, because I don't think anyone who hasn't been here can understand, they just freak out that I'm going to kill myself. I can empathize with that. But the irony is that I don't think I will, if I can only find a place to express what I am going through without having to manage other people's reactions about it.

This morning I tried one of those chat things for the first time and asked for online support groups for people who understand and they said that wasn't healthy and I should talk to a trained professional. I had a panic attack and then did some searching and found my way here.

Part of me worries that I really am a freak, that my brand of suicidal ideation / thoughts is abnormal and worthy of shame. But my breathing has at least slowed down some having typed this much out.

Thank you.
 
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BritishBloke

•✮• Best UK Tour Guide •✮•
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
I've struggled with emotional dysregulation my whole life, and been traumatized by therapy over and over.

My mind goes to suicidal thoughts when certain types of triggers occur, and I find them to be really more like a desire to make the pain stop and fear that I will kill myself to do it. An example from when I was younger was that I had to cross a bridge to get to class in college, and I used to run across the bridge because I worried that if I slowed down or stopped to take a breath I would throw myself off of it. They talk about having a "plan" but whenever it's gotten so bad for me to actually think about "planning" I don't have the energy to execute on anything anyway.

When I'm not in that place it is like I am a different person, and I can't even remember what it was like to feel that way, compounding the anxiety that when I get into that place I won't be able to stop myself from doing something even though fundamentally I don't want to. I feel like I'm letting my friends and family down because no matter how much I get treatment, I always come back here sometimes. Sometimes when I am doing well I speak openly / publicly about having had suicidal thoughts / ideations and the reaction is always so ... pearl-clutchy? And after I got hospitalized once after a therapist called 911 on me for expressing the feelings I was having, I've just learned not to talk about it when I'm feeling it, because I don't think anyone who hasn't been here can understand, they just freak out that I'm going to kill myself. I can empathize with that. But the irony is that I don't think I will, if I can only find a place to express what I am going through without having to manage other people's reactions about it.

This morning I tried one of those chat things for the first time and asked for online support groups for people who understand and they said that wasn't healthy and I should talk to a trained professional. I had a panic attack and then did some searching and found my way here.

Part of me worries that I really am a freak, that my brand of suicidal ideation / thoughts is abnormal and worthy of shame. But my breathing has at least slowed down some having typed this much out.

Thank you.
Like I said in the chat, welcome to SF, no need to be nervous, it's a nice place here. Thanks for sharing your story *hug

I'm sorry for what you've been through *hugI think in regards to the therapist calling 911 on you, they've only done that out of fear that you may do something, while yourself, you can say, you won't do anything they're simply doing their job and if they feel they are a risk to yourself, then unfortunately that's what they've seen fit to do. It's not a personal thing and I don't think they do it intentionally to make you feel as if you can't talk about your problems, they're just worried. I can understand of when it comes to a "plan" you feel far too exhausted to even think of what the "plan" is. It's mentally exhausting when you're in that head space.

While people are probably just referring you to options they've done themselves, that help, the people on the online support groups, saying you need professional help, I don't think they're wrong and I'm not saying that to sound antagonising, if you feel like you've tried your bit with therapy, there are other options you look for, in your area, there could be support groups (in person) you might find beneficial you know? There a whole load of options, it might be worth taking a visit to your doctor, a member here said once, write down what you feel in a notepad, just so when you get there, the doctor can take a look at that and also, you won't forget to say anything because it's all in the notepad.

I'm glad that writing out your story has slowed down your breathing. Though no one here is a professional, we will always try and help support people. I hope to see you around @namdrow and thanks for sharing your story.
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
Hey @namdrow You are not abnormal and your suicidal ideation is nothing to be ashamed of. Your suicidal ideation means you are in pain. And you're not alone. Many people are struggling with these thoughts. I understand how you feel about therapy but please don't give up. Finding the right therapist is like finding the right life partner. There are a lot of stinkers out there. But there are some great ones out there too. I'm glad you found SF. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
Hi @namdrow

Part of me worries that I really am a freak, that my brand of suicidal ideation / thoughts is abnormal and worthy of shame. But my breathing has at least slowed down some having typed this much out.
You are not a freak, you are not worthy of shame, you feel that way because of the way other people have treated you for having suicidal thoughts. 1 in 4 people will suffer depression at some point in their lives so its much more common than its made out to be. I'm sorry you feel you were stigmatized, you will not be stigmatized here on SF. Here, we get it, we understand it, most of us have been suicidal at one point or another so you are among people that understand and this is a very safe place to talk with zero trolls and it is heavily moderated. I think you HAVE finally found the place you will not be shamed or stigmatized and I'm glad you found us. We're a friendly bunch, a warm welcome to you and keep posting okay? :)
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
welcome to sf we are a peer community that cares but will never judge you. you are safe hear because there are a lot of kind an empathic people. i hope things get better for you soon...mike....*hug*shake
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#8
Welcome and good to see you have joined. Nobody here will shame another, we support each other and invite all to join in here and perhaps to find a bit of comfort in their lives.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#10
Hi @namdrow, welcome. I'm glad you found us. Obviously there are some things for which a professional is best, but it's really helpful to have peer support. My therapist was really proud of me actually when I told him I had been participating here. I'll look forward to seeing you around. *hug
 
#11
Welcome namdrow,

You like words?

I definitely don't think it's unhealthy to build yourself a network of peers that can relate and understand. Hope you can find some comfort in that here.

Tc.
Haha! You figured it out!!! :) "wordman" is actually my husband's nickname, but i started using it backwards as a screen name for certain things : )thank you -

The other day when I was here, i felt better immediately just by having the window open. I needed to do that again today and I can already feel the panic subsiding a bit.
 
#12
Hi @namdrow, welcome. I'm glad you found us. Obviously there are some things for which a professional is best, but it's really helpful to have peer support. My therapist was really proud of me actually when I told him I had been participating here. I'll look forward to seeing you around. *hug
Thank you! My problem is that I have real trauma from past therapy - I know I probably need to find something but every single time I've tried it's made my condition worse / acute.
 
#13
Hi @namdrow



You are not a freak, you are not worthy of shame, you feel that way because of the way other people have treated you for having suicidal thoughts. 1 in 4 people will suffer depression at some point in their lives so its much more common than its made out to be. I'm sorry you feel you were stigmatized, you will not be stigmatized here on SF. Here, we get it, we understand it, most of us have been suicidal at one point or another so you are among people that understand and this is a very safe place to talk with zero trolls and it is heavily moderated. I think you HAVE finally found the place you will not be shamed or stigmatized and I'm glad you found us. We're a friendly bunch, a warm welcome to you and keep posting okay? :)
Thank you -

: ) so far so good. I really appreciate it. I am too scared to talk to my friends and family much because of that experience being hospitalized. and I don't know how to find a therapist that won't traumatize me. But this dulls the pain somewhat right now and I am so grateful
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#14
Thank you! My problem is that I have real trauma from past therapy - I know I probably need to find something but every single time I've tried it's made my condition worse / acute.
Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. We could probably help you brainstorm on how to find someone helpful depending on where you live. But we're also here if you just want to talk about whatever's going on.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#15
Haha! You figured it out!!! :) "wordman" is actually my husband's nickname, but i started using it backwards as a screen name for certain things : )thank you -

The other day when I was here, i felt better immediately just by having the window open. I needed to do that again today and I can already feel the panic subsiding a bit.
Ahh a yin and yang thing? I like it a lot either way. :)

So glad to hear or read you're already feeling better. In my book, that's a step in the right direction and it can be such a relief to be understood.
 

Quietus

Well-Known Member
#16
I definitely get what you're saying. Discussing feelings like this shouldn't be so taboo. Most people that are, you know, human, have gone through some heavy stuff in life, and a lot of people that hit real lows probably think, "Oh, I wish I was dead!" Or something to the extent.

Some people are good at hiding their hurt more than others, or they simply channel it into something else.

But it is definitely not a strange idea to human nature to consider one's own mortality, or to even be so repulsed by one's circumstance or condition to desire death more than their current suffering.
 

snowraven

Well-Known Member
#17
Hi there. I fully understand what you mean when you say that rather than committing you have a fear that you might and really just want the pain to stop. Many people on here are in a similar state. Most people run a mile if you start talking about these things because they simply don't understand. For me finding SF was the best thing that could have happened to me because here people do understand. Welcome and best wishes
 

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