Is this how im seen here now.?? i really want to die now, really do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jul 29, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    is this how everyone here thinks of me now?

    i did not need to hear this and i am going to expose what peter sent me... the one i forgave so many times for lying to me.. the one who sent me an email saying he had died and it hurt me greatly but then to find out he had not died it really hurt... yet i forgave him out of the goodness of my heart... i really did.. and i continued to write to him... and he said hje was my friend.. well now appearently he is stating he got new lungs and is okay and out of the hospital so he wants to hurt me more by sending me the following..

    ----- Original Message -----
    From: deathiscoming
    To: susan sisco
    Sent: Sunday, July 29, 2007 4:13 PM
    Subject: Re: Good bye my friend


    well susan, it's ur own fault. Reason being cause ur like a human yo-yo. Ur diing, then ur not then u are then not, yes no, yes no, yes no. No one believes u anymore. And like I said in the beginiing which u got so mad at me for, U lie, no one likes liers. Oh well, to bad so sad. See ya.

    I THOUGHT HE WAS MY FRIEND.. I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST HIM... I THOUGHT HE CARED BUT NO ONE EVER HAS CARED FOR ME EVER.. THEY USE ME..

    I CAME ON HERE WITH AN HONEST AND OPEN HEART POSTING WHAT I FEEL AT TIMES AND NOW I GET CALLED A LIAR.. I HAVE NEVER LIED TO ANYONE HERE.. I DONT DO THAT ANYMORE.. I CANT TRUST ANYONE... I AM SO FREEKING STUPID... I JUST CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.. I CANT TRUST.. I THOUGHT HE REALLY CARED.. NOW IM HURTING MORE AND MORE... I JUST WANT TO DIE..

    I HONESTLY WANT TO DIE AND GET OUT OF THIS STUPID LIFE OF MINE... IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY.

    MY STUPID PAST WILL NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE ...NEVER...

    Peter you can all me a liar all you want to, but i was not the one who deceived everyone here thinking that you had died.. i forgave you and you continue to hurt me..

    i thought you cared.. i thought you loved me..

    everyone sees me as this then i might as well end it right here right now, just get it over with.. i am so tired of trying to show others that i am not that way anymorte.. that i dont do those things anymore and that i am an honest person , yet everyone thinks of me as this liar and who knows whatelse.. i cant do this anymore.. i just cant.. it hurts way too much and im sorry.. i am so sorry that you all think of me that way..

    i just needed a place to let my true and honest feelings out on.. a plavce to get comfort.. a place to get support.. yet i cant even do that without my past putting a damper upon me...

    I HAVE NEVER LIED AT ALL ONLINE HERE.. NOT ONCE.. ALL THE FEELINGS WHERE MY TRUE FEELINGS.. ALL THE HURT IS MY TRUE DEEP HURT.. AND IF YOU ALL THINK THAT WAY OF ME THEN I REALLY CANT GET ANY HELP FROM ANYONE.

    NO WONDER THE MINISTER HATES ME.. NO WONDER NO ONE LOVES ME.. IT IS ALL MY FAULT.. I AM JUST A STUPID PERSON WHO DOESNT DESERVE TO LIVE...
     
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    I could kill that bastard that did that to you. You're not a human yo-yo, you're just human. Everyone (especially here) has days when life seems to suffocate them and dying seems like the only way out.

    You say that no one loves you, and you're wrong. A, God loves you. B, we love you. C, I love everybody (except for your not-friend) so you're therefore included in my love. :smile:

    Just hang on, honey. Hang on.
     
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks so much hun..

    i am just crying really hard right now... i know i am stupid for crying.. stupid because what he said hurt me... but it really is hurting a lot right now... i cant stop the tears...

    I TRUSTED HIM.. I HONESTLY CARED AND LOVED HIM AND TRUSTED HIM BUT EVERYBODY ALWAYS DOES THIS TO ME.. ALWAYS...

    IM SORRY... I WANT SO MUCH TO TAKE ALL I HAVE AND JUST GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER WAKE UP...
     
  4. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    I completely empathazie on wanting to sleep and never wake up. I'm there quite often.

    You're not stupid for crying. No one is ever stupid for crying

    However, I was nearly in tears over an essay that I had no clue how to write about two hours ago, and I'm still not finished, I have a page to go, but all my ideas are spent.

    Now that's crying over something stupid. :smile:

    All I can keep saying is hang on tight, sweetie. You're much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You've been here this long, toughing it out, so you must be kept here for a reason. Keep on going. You'll make it through this.
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry Peter is treating you this way. i don't think all people at the forum view you in the same light as he does. It is hard to trust people once you have been hurt by them in some way. Perhaps you should have no further contact with Peter at this time. This type of treatment is not what you need to add to your stress level right now. Hang in there and don't take the opinion of someone that has proven to be untrustworthy to you. :hug:
     
  6. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    You know what? I think I realize something by now, the only reason he was in SF is because he thought he will die. But then, I was wrong to think that he will be a different man if he gets another chance in life. I can't believe I am wrong. He doesn't know what suffering is really like, I am disappointed he didn't change his mindset about life after going so close to dying. Thats too bad, he is taking it for granted.

    I guess there is no way he can understands what its like to suffer since he's got everything in life anyway. When I ask him what is he gonna do after this? Any plans? He said he don't have to do nothing cos his folks can take care of him. Typical, rich kid. I am not sure sure if he will ever regret for saying such mean things to you but I guess he don't deserve shit anyway!

    Just forget about him, he is not worth feeling bad for. It is nothing wrong to cry cos its natural. He is the only one who thinks you are a liar but we love and care for you, no matter what that bastard say. Cheer up :hug:
     
  7. Innocent

    Innocent Guest

    I see you in nothing but a positive light. You're so kind that you forgave someone who let you think they were dead when they were not. That's a major betrayal. I am shocked actually that you resumed talking to him again after that. He falsely let you grieve for him. Please don't let someone betray you like this again. There should be a limit...if someone does something bad to you over and over and over, or does something as horrible as that, you should let them find a new friend. They aren't deserving of you anymore.
     
  8. Darkness N Light

    Darkness N Light Staff Alumni

    White Dove,
    Hey sweetie I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. We do not at all think of you that way. Please do not let Peter turn you against us and make you think things that we do not think. Sweetheart, you have a wonderful and caring heart if he could say and do what he did and you still forgive. I agree with Gentlelady I think it is for the best right now that you do not have any contact with Peter for now and some time in the future. Please do not let him keep hurting you. You do not deserve that what so ever. Take care and I love you. By the way I do not think that the past colors the future. People can change when and if they want too and I believe that you have. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss


    With Love,
    Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
     
  9. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    well hey its me :biggrin: i didnt know how bad the message was when you spoke of it, i see now how hurt you must of been by reading it, i dont understand why anyone would say such a thing or how, but remember that he is full of shit and majority rules, we are all here for you as you can see from these posts above from people who do care, and i have always been here for you these past months and you know i would never say anything as un-human as what peter said, i hope he regretted it from the seconed he said it.

    peter i dont know what got into you but i hope your mind will soon be a clear path but you definatley hit a speed bump on that last one, i hope you realize the effect of words on this site and i hope you choose them carefully next time, this is no place to cause more damage, and if there are others out there that are cruel enough to log on here to tell people to go kill themselves, do not listen as it is the words from cruelty itself just complete bullshit and should not be tolerated.

    im sorry you came online only looking for peace sue, and had to read such a message, remember you can always talk to me, but more then that you can always trust me when i say i would never hurt you.

    Buddy
     
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Ppl can be so irresponsible in the words they use, but they only have power if we let them...my ex told me I was the cause of his problems...killled me inside for several yrs until I realized that the way he acted was the root of his problems...I hope your learning curve is quicker than mine was as i suffered needlessly...ppl do their best, and sometimes their best is not good enough...this is NOT your problem...your goodness cannot be diminished by someone else's accusations...wish I got that lesson yrs ago...big hugs
     
  11. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    thank you for that nice comment gentlelady...

    i just dont understand him at all... the thing hes talking about saying i lied to him was based upon his understanding of it.. he had asked me if i had MSN and i told him i didnt , well then he asks me what operating system i had on my computer and i told him what it was which it is a windows 98 , then he turns around and says that i lied to him because it includes it in the system , but i did not lie to him.. i did have it at one time but i took it out of the windows 98 program to free up some time on my harddrive or whatever you call it.. and at the time he asked me if i had it , i did not and still do not have it cause the things i do not use i remove from the system and put in things i do use...

    i dont know what his problem is but that really hurt me and i just had to take a break from the forum here because of it... yes i had a bad past but i dont do anything like that anymore and it hurts when others always throw that up to my face over and over again.. it really hurts.. it is like i am being punished over and over again...

    i know one thing.. my mind is made up... i am not gonna stay here and suffer more pain from this cancer .. i have basically got nothing to lose anyway and no one close by to help me combat this.. i do have plans to finally try camping this weekend if everything goes to plan.. there is this little place called indian creek and they have a campground so im going to go there and camp and i got plans for the derby the followinmg friday and saturday at the cookeville fair. then im out of here..

    Doesnt look like i can make amends with the Daltons so that part of my life is screwed anyway so basically theres no other choice as i see it right now. at least this gives me time to get everything i need..

    I do ask that those online here who are christians in some way or another and that believe in prayer just put peter on your prayers.. i dont know whats in him or whats going on in his life , heck i dont even know if he was even sick and in the hospital in the first place , but he needs our prayers just as much as anyone else..

    bible says pray for everyone and that includes those that hurt us so much..
     
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Well just pray for him... Prayer changes things and even if it doesnt change him at least God knows we prayed for him, cause even me with my hurts from him and tears shed i still will pray for him, even though i do not know how far my prayer will go but at least i still pray for him.. bible tells us to..
     
  13. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    yes i tend to go on and trust again with those i should not and i think thats part of the problem with me.. i HAVE TOO BIG A HEART AND CARE TO MUCH...

    He really hurt me and i forgave him and continued to chat with him by email cause he is hurting and needed a friend.. Sometimes you get hurt when you try helping others , guess that is one of my biggest faults. i dont know what it is with him but i will still say a prayer for him... I think Jesus would do the same...
     
  14. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    Thank you Crystal that is so sweet of you to say that to me...

    And i love you too and as well as others here and i apologize for that outragous post the other day.. i was hurting and posted how i felt... I dont know why i let him get to me... Guess it was because i cared for him and did not even know him really... I will still pray for him cause it is the part of my heart that does care...

    I am trying to bury my past and yet it always catches up to me.. I guess thats to be expected cause he doesnt really know me or my heart.. i just want and need things right with a few people and two in paticular before i pass but i am in fear that will not happen..

    thanks sweetie , love you too
     
  15. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    Hey bud.. ( A.. ) ,

    I know that you would never do that or at least i hope you wouldnt??? but please just pray for peter.. i think something is eating away at him and he needs our prayers even though we dont think he does.. talk with you soon..

    and sadeyes thanks sweetie.. guess we all learn from others...
     
  16. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    White Dove, I really can't say how happy I am to see you. :biggrin:

    I was afraid that you went and did it, and you've been at the front of my thoughts and prayers recently.

    I have the problem with giving too much, getting hurt, and re-trusting. It's... a fault and a virture, I guess.

    Nice to see you're hanging in there. :hug: I'm still here if you need to talk.
     
  17. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Agreed!
     
  18. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    thanks to you both..


    i took peanuts advice . thanks peanut hun....

    it hasent changed my plans just deleyed it a little... i get to do something i have never done before and that is i get to go CAMPING... FOR THE FIRST TIME..

    going to a little place called indian creek this weekend and just get away into the natuire and all.. probably fish a little cause Lord knows i may not get another chance..

    then there is the demolition derbies at the cookeville fair the following weekend so i plan on attending that just before...

    at least have a little fun before i do it.. got plans to get drunk after the last derby on saturday night so i can get the guts to do it with... just lost all hope on everything else and so i am at least gonna have some fun..
     
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