Is this how we say goodbye.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by thomasboy, May 16, 2007.

  1. thomasboy

    thomasboy New Member

    Well, this is probably the key issue in my life. Or, rather, the lack of it.

    I'm 19, and no one in my whole life has ever loved me as more than a friend. I appreciate the fact I have friends, and some people out there may feel no one loves them at all. But I recognise friends and family love me. But, I have survived on this for 19 years, I really want love love. Not just friends and family.

    I'm at university. I was maybe naive thinking things would change here. Well, not maybe, I was. Nothings changed.

    I still have never had a girlfriend in my life. I wouldn't exactly say I'm "ugly", but then I'm far from being "fit". The attitude of the girls at this stupid university is that all the Warwick boys are ugly. And then they are too good for the boys. So I dont see it changing any time soon. I dont know why, but I see university as a last straw. Sure, I have time left here, but with that attitude I dont see anything changing.

    I've asked girls out in the past for relationships, but they are never interested. That is fine, you cant make someone love you. I've also asked to see if people are interested in being more than friends, when I get the impression they are (by which I dont mean a relationship as such) they don't want to. Again, whatever, you cant make people like you.

    Second issue in my life. Or, rather, lack of it.

    Now I’m not really that bothered. But I am bothered. People will say it doesn’t matter, but it matters to me. I’m 19. Okay, maybe I’ve not had a girlfriend, one night stands is surely the scapegoat for my sanity. But no, not been there, not done that, got no t-shirt.

    All this does it make me feel something is wrong with me. Friends will probably say there isn’t, but I still will believe there is. Our university is shit. Everyone stays in their little groups, so its hard to meet people in this fucking place. Im not a girl who can just go around in a mini skirt and get laid when she wants.

    Third issue. Yeah, you guessed, or, rather, lack of it.

    I appear confident. But it’s a face and a lie. Underneath I am not confident at all. What I see in the mirror is not me, but who I want to be. I cant look in mirrors or reflective surfaces when I’m with other people as I can see the real me.

    I am not confident or happy with how I look. I am sitting here in jeans that cost me £120. Why? Because to me it’s the only thing going for me. I get confidence from buying expensive clothes, but it does fucking nothing. It doesn’t change anything. I could be wearing anything. I have no reason to bother with presentation of myself, as clearly in 19 years its done nothing.

    All of the above makes me depressed. I feel pathetic. People can tell me I’m not, but I still feel I am. Recently I’ve been analyzing my life which is basically all of the above a lot, and it distracts me from my work and I need to work as I have exams soon. But I keep thinking about it.

    I don’t see the point in my life right now. I am doing a course with no idea what job I want to do when I’m older. I am with people I’m not going to see in 2 years, most of which have ideas of what they want to do. Everyone lives in fucking London, but I’m not anywhere near it. Everyone is so damn happy.

    Cant talk about it:
    I physically can not talk about it. Even over the phone. I can only ever consider talking about it like this. I makes me really sad just reflecting on all this stuff at once, but maybe im upset about the fact im going to let people I actually know in real life read this too.
  2. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    i'm not sure where to begin. but you are in the right place. trust me. i've been here for a little bi now and post a lot of shti. mostly it's shit that comes up on a daily basis. i'm 32 and like sucks at times, but you're still young. you will find the right person for you. sooner or later you will.
    personally, where clothes or pesonal appearance is concerned, do you feel better wearing expensive clothes. does it help? i'm tired, but oh well i'll sleep in a little while. i came here through google search. i was looking for different ways to do the duty, but found sf. came here and found comfort on this site. what i do is basically post whatever is going on at he time. sometimes its just garbage, sometimes not. stick around. posts will also help build your confidense. stick close.
    no i din't forget welcome to sf. it'a good place to be.