Is this it?

[$MyName]

No, I'm not talking about suicide, but I'm really wondering if I've hit the end of a downward journey yet.

I've run out of things to keep me remotely away from feeling terrible, I got something I kind of wanted that I now hate and wish I'd never had. I lost any hope in the things I wanted now and/or in the future, I really genuinely given up on everything I can think of now that would make me see a way back upwards... I just hope I've finally hit the bottom of the journey at least, when you have no hope to go up, I guess the best you can do is hope not to sink further.

I know this probably isn't a typical rant, but this is about as 'ranty' as I get. My rant is more at false hope, myself and my lack of understanding.... Not to mention my neediness and wants. I just wish things could change for the better, but I just can't see it at all any more and that really depresses me and makes me pissed off at everything.

 

[$MyName]

I gave myself 'one last chance' almost a year ago now, because I was so sick of trying and failing everything, and awhile back the last few things that could have worked failed (hey, what a surprise right?). Now I kind of wonder what I do from here... I don't want to try anything anymore, so what do I do for the rest of my days? Do I just quit my job, go back being home everyday leeching off my parents and playing some video games and being online? Right now thats the best thing I think I could ever have, but my parents can't look after me forever, so I'm screwed there.

EDIT: Also, I think the way I'm feeling is starting to have an effect on my physical well-being (again). Today on the train, I was thinking about somethings that are really getting me down at the moment, and when I 'snapped out' of this day dream, I suddenly felt like I was going to faint - got the whole light headed thing, the feeling of weird blood pressure and the weird feeling in my eyes, mixed with the fact I was trying my best not to cry. (not sure how long I can keep that up, honestly, I'll breakdown eventually, just a matter of time). I also get sick a lot more in general in the last month or two.

 

[Robin]

Ever thought of moonlighting as an online programmer? They can earn quite a bit

 

[$MyName]

not really sure how I'd get into that, and I'm not that confident of my non-PHP skills anymore.

 

[Robin]

I can point you to a few good places there's www.namepros.com www.sitepoint.com and even www.digitalpoint.com (though personally I don't like it there, they even ban you if you bump your own post :ohmy

 

[$MyName]

Thanks for the links, I'll check em out.

another day, filled with trying to keep myself from crying or breakingdown completely. I just can't think of anything that isn't sad anymore, I have to be extremely busy to not feel like absolute crap, the second I have a chance to think my mind just automatically goes onto all the shit I don't want or need to think about, and I go back to feeling like crying or worse. I felt like spewing up a couple of times when thinking of crap too... I've never been effected so much pyhsically by my thoughts and emotions, it's crazy. I don't know where this is going to end, it's like the final hit I can't get back up from.

 

[$MyName]

Tried to do things a bit different today, just to see if it'd help me stop feeling so crap 24/7. I went and got a decent breakfast from a cafe sort of place, which I never do. Like the place, the food, the service, but it was just a minor distraction for 10 or so minutes.

Today was supposedly my last day at work for months (knew it was coming, and I'd bet on me having to work next week anyway - I wasn't meant to work this week and I ended up in there 3 days). When I found out, I thought "Maybe that'll help" but not long after it was just nothing to me... If anything it managed to make me feel worse.

When I was getting off the train on the way home, there was a bit of a lineup and I ended up standing next to this drunk/stoned guy. Anyway oddly enough he says a few random things - 2 which somewhat apply to me, and I'm wondering if he just read them from looking at me or just coincidence. The last thing he said to me was "Don't let life get you down" and I hadn't said or done anything to suggest it was (I always try my best not to show how much crap Im feeling, and how much I'm struggling just to be alive)... Was a weird way to end the day. All in all, a odd day, different things happening - End result still feeling as bad as ever. Just don't know what I'm going to do with no meaning to life at all now or in the future.

 

[$MyName]

I feel even worse now, somehow, and I think this is it for me. I can't go on... I need help, but no one will ever be able to help me how I need, so I think this is the end... If I don't see you all again, I hope things turn out better for you.

 

[Robin]

Has anything triggered off this worse feeling today?

 

[$MyName]

i know what triggers it off... Well theres a bunch of stuff that does actually... But I always end up thinking about at least one of them... I can't go an hour without thinking of at least one.

Even when I'm sleeping I have different dreams involving one of these things, so I don't even get a moment of waking up and not remembering my problems.

 

[Mightbehere]

Maybe you have OCD? or are you just conscious of your depression to a large point that it becomes your reality?

 

[$MyName]

I'm thinking it's the latter.

 

[FIGHTER9999]

Currently I think i am experiencing hell in an aspect of my life. I am always get abuse because the way I look all the time not too my face as they would be consquences as I do martial arts and they would know about it, but behind my back but I can hear them but cant be 100 percent sure to confront them and while im driving i can them in there cars slaggin the way I look I get it all day and night constants taunts of being called spastic and retard not too mention what that is doing for my sanity and self confidence. I just want to live my life and train dont want nothing special my girlfriend is there and i love her and if it werent for her I dont know what I would do. I have a bent nose which makes my face look strange so i am getting a nose rhinoplasty operation to hopefully cut back on the insults I hope. I really wish people werent so cruel this makes me hateful and angry. Thankfully I am really strong and cant handle things but I wish things werent like that for me.