Is This Letting Them Down Still?Please tell me Trig

[kath]

Hi

i dont want to go through my whole story again for the sake of this post but basically im 23 now.And about four or five or so years ago after i had still been living at home i fled my family.i was very scared of being there but still blame myself for this.i have not seen them at all in those years and had only limited contact by text message and the occasional cards sent between us sometimes on special occasions till recently.i have now met up with them about twice in public.They were asking though and i was strongly considering going home to them for Christmas Day and Boxing Day.My situation is very bad at the moment.i am likely to die [without exageration] soon if i cannot improvbe things because my mental health has become so poor.i know i needed to try and improve things even if only to try and save the others around me from my suicide at the very least.i know it doesnt matter if im really really scared of my family still i have to do something regardless.It is irrelevenat now to the situation how scared i am cos things have to change.But im still so terrified.Rational or not.i would love to go to them for Christmas Day and Boxing Day but they live so far away and also i am scared of what may happen when im with them.i am worried.Apart from that there are additional complications of that i can only use public transport etc and it isnt available those days which means staying longer and what if things go wrong.But now i have found a deal at a hotel local to them.They are charging a third of their normal price if i book now to stay there from 27th to 31st December.i wouold be more comfortable with that.As i really dont feel comfortable staying over night in my old room from all those years ago with my family.It would bring back too much and im worried also that i wouldnt feel safe.But something tells me even if i go to the hotel still and stay the nights i just said that im still failing my family by not being with them Christmas Day and Boxing Day?Am i?Is this a failiing?Please tell me am i still failing if i go with this alternative?Please someone tell me.Please

 

[Abacus21]

Hun :hug:

I remember talking about this, with you about this time last year over AIM
:hug:

In my opinion, you're not letting them down, by not going back to them - not after what happened etc ... :hug:
It's understandable why you don't want to, and I would have many many reservations if I was in your shoes, to do so.

Just my opinion, but as I say, I don't believe you're letting them down, no...

You take care, you know where I am if you need me :hug:

Joe

 

[angel_is_dead]

If you are ensuring your safety by being in a hotel, you are not letting them down, if you are ensuring your happiness, you are not letting them down. they are your family, they want whats best for you. Please take care of yourself x

 

[kath]

Hey thankyou for the replies both of you.It means a lot to me honest!!!

It doesnt ensure my happiness and i think ultimately i will die through my suicide anyway whatever i do now but i need to try even if only to try and spare those around me [quite simply things have to change if there is any hope at all for me,any little bit] and so i have to try and work things through better with my family but you are right in that i will probably feel a lot lot more safer whilst im there if im staying at the hotel.Whether my fears and worries and anxiety are justified are not thats just how it is for me i guess.i just feel guilty that maybe im letting them down but i want to do the best i can for them and for me.

Joe you are probably very very much right im sure i probably did have a similar conversation with you last year or whenever.Though at that time i wouldnt even have considered staying in a hotel near my famliy for any days around Christmas time at all.i wouldnt even have considered seeing them.So i guess thats something even if i am letting them down............

Thanks guys for letting me talk.This amongst other things has been stressing me so so much.im so worried but maybe even at least things will be a little easier at least when i set in stone now my plans and decisions for what im doing.........

i just hope it all turns out and also that they are not too disappointed in me not that i would blame them or anyone if they were...

i just hope it will all be ok in hte end.

 

[Abacus21]

:hug: :hug: :arms: :hug: :hug:

Hang in there hun :hug:

 

[kath]

i am here.i shouldnt be.

 

[Abacus21]

Yes you should be :hug:

You're a great person, despite what you think and believe - you are a great friend, who's always there :hug:

 

[kath]

i want to do more to myself.

i feel that need tonight to build upon things.....

i know there is nothing anyone can say.

Not sure what im doing typing just getting it all out i guess

i feel so ill.So why do i have the desire to make myself more so.

Sometimes.