Is this normal?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Firespirit3, Jan 29, 2013.

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  1. Firespirit3

    Firespirit3 Member

    So I am new to this forum thing and I usually keep to myself, so it is difficult for me to open up. Even anonymously. But I spread a lot of my day thinking about everything I keep inside. Generally I ask myself why me? Is that normal? Do lots of people wonder why them? When I think about my problems I put them off as not important enough to bring me to this point. So I feel kind of pathetic for not being able to handle easy problems. My life has lots going for it and I can see that, but the small problems I have make it impossible for me to be fully happy. Happiness seems like a myth. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy. I started to have suicidal thoughts when I could first truly understand what it could mean. Sorry I know this kind of jumps around, it's very difficult for me to organize my thoughts. I feel at war. I want to live but the pain I feel becomes too much sometimes. I see the beauty in life, but I feel completely separate from the world. I don't feel like I belong and I am desperately searching for belonging. I just don't see that happening. The few people I have tried opening up to tell me to find things that make me happy, like it is that easy. I try, because I know it's not the right choice. It is also hard to open up to others because society frowns heavily upon suicide. Society makes me feel like my feelings are wrong and I can control how I feel. Like my pain isn't that bad. I tell myself it isn't true, but it becomes hard when everywhere people are saying your wrong without knowing it. Why me? My life is good when you look at it from the outside. Happiness is like a fantasy, the harder I try the farther away it seems...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Firespirit3 we understand depression and that one cannot just get over things and suck it up so to speak. I hope you can reach out here keep talking ok it helps to know you are not alone in the fight Also hun reach out to your doctor or a councilor someone ok that can help you with supports so when you do feel so confused and alone you will have someone to reach out to hugs
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Fire and thanks for trusting us enough to post...I think each person walks his/her own path, but I have found some similarity in those who make it through the storms...for me, it is the study of Holocaust literature that helped me to find some grace and forgiveness...mostly, I am of the school that we must do but also we must heal...both are incredible tasks, but worth the journey...thanks again for posting and welcome...and btw, normal is a wide range of behaviors, so more importantly, please focus upon what gives you and others the most compassion
     
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I find it incredibly difficult to open up even anonymously. I am trying to do so on here and it does help. The 'looking on the bright side' suggestions irritate me. To "Worst things happen at sea" my response was "I'm not at sea", then 8yrs ago after listening to news headline I fell downstairs. As I lay in a huddle heap, certain I must have broken at least one bone I thought "Well at least I'm not on that airplane that's on fire on the runway". Everyone got off that plane with only minor injuries. I was bruised on three sides with two sprained ankles. But that was the only time and looking for the positive still doesn't make me feel better.
     
  5. Firespirit3

    Firespirit3 Member

    I feel that same way. The positives don't make me feel any better. When people tell me to look on the bright side I can't find a bright side. Sometimes it seems like it doesn't exist. So far this opening up has helped a little. Thank you for showing me that others feel the same things. It makes me feel little less alone. I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone though.
     
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