Is this okay?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Unbound_TheWildRide, Apr 18, 2011.

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  1. Yesterday was my second visit with my boyfriend, he did a voluntary sign in at the hospital, because the doctor said when his 72 hours was up, he'd go through the channels to take him in front of a judge.

    So yesterday he had a few more visitors, his stepdad, sister, real dad and myself. His sister and stepdad went in first, they came out a short while later, and she said he was not doing well, he was yelling at them and she didn't know if I wanted to go in there, but if I wanted to try, I could. She said to their dad that he didn't even want to see him, so he left. I said I would go in and see if I could calm him down.

    I got in there, sat down next to him and quietly asked him if he wanted me to leave, he said no he wanted me to stay. I asked what had happened with his family, and he said they were trying to go the guilt route with him, and he was so tired of people trying to guilt him, I asked him if I ever tried that, he said no. So I took his hand and he cried for a little while, saying he didn't know if he would ever be any good for anyone, and he didn't know what he was going to do with his life. I simply told him that he didn't have to decide that or even know that right now. I just rubbed his back as he cried. I asked him if he wanted me to stay for the entire visit, and he said yes. So we sat silently for a little while, he appologized for not being good company, and I said that was okay, I just wanted to be sitting there with him, talkative or not.

    We then did start talking about stuff, his attempt and we made some really corny jokes about it, and he was doing some laughing that did eventually touch his eyes. He told me thank you for everything, but he wished I didn't bother, and I told him I'm glad I bothered because I don't want to lose him, he means so much to me. I also told him that I don't expect anything in return, no promises, I don't expect him to ever love me, or to marry me, the only thing I ask of him is to respect me and care about me, he said he could definantly do that. So by the time the visit came to an end he was better I guess, best word I can think of, since he isn't okay right now.

    I brought him a bunch of books to read while he is there and when he gets out, we're going to discuss him possibly coming to stay with me, either temporarily or permanant, we shall see about that. I stay at home for now, so he'd have someone around pretty much all the time, plus I could help him with getting to therapy, taking his meds, and having someone to talk to whenever he needs to. Plus my kids adore him, and they'd keep him pretty occupied.

    I don't want him to become dependant on me, but I think for the time being, it might possibly help him having someone around who is concerned for him (not saying his friends and family aren't but they do work) and help shoulder the load a bit. Hopefully with some time and patients, he will begin to get better.

    I'm not the brightest person in the world, nor am I qualified to help anyone else with their problems, I can just barely handle my own depression, anxiety and self esteem issues. But I'd like to think that I can empathize with him because we share some of the same issues and I've also got an unhealthy dose of self hatred and have had the desire to just not exist anymore.

    So anyways, sorry about the book I've written, if anyone else has any suggestions on what else I could possibly do to be supportive or if I'm doing something wrong. Any feedback would be great.
    Thank you

    Unbound
     
  2. Green.Triceratops

    Green.Triceratops Account Closed

    Honestly it sounds like youve got some good things going already. Hes lucky to have you. Maybe just try to find therapists for when he is released so he has someone to talk to about his problems.

    No offense to you, but an unbiased ear wont make it personal, you dont want to play shrink anyhow. I meant to say that more delicately. Sorry.
     
  3. Oh I totally agree he needs a neutral third party, and I'm really hoping he will go. I've started looking out in my area for a few good, reputable therapists in case he decides he wants to stay out here. Thank you :)
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    He is so fortunate to have you and from what you have written, it sounds like you were perfect...please do not take on any more than is good for you as well...I know you want to help him, but please also consider what is good for you and how much you should offer...big hugs, and much admiration, J
     
  5. AxiomUltimatum

    AxiomUltimatum Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't mean to be negative because what you have done for him already really is the right thing and I don't think anyone could have done any better but I have a concern and it's a concern from personal experience.

    I know what it's like to be able to understand someone's pain and be understood too but to be honest, two people who need support emotionally can unintentionally bring each other down.

    It works great when one needs support and the other can help but there are times when both of you are down and just cannot cope with trying to support each other when you can barely support yourself. It can become a breeding ground for trouble.

    Like the others have said, a therapist really needs to be helping him because even though you think you can, you can't always be there especially when you already have to be so strong for yourself and your kids.

    I may be totally wrong but I just want you to consider this before you make any decisions. The wisest decisions are made after considering both the positive and negative outcomes.

    Take good care of yourself
    Hx
     
  6. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    You are a fantastic human being...

    God bless you
     
  7. Things are going well, he's moved in with me. Has a new job he starts on Monday and is looking forward to it. He's smiling, his doctor told him what he did was a cry for help, since he was on the phone with me when he did it, he has been doing very well now. He said he can finally move around and not feel that overwhelming desire to die, and he told me I saved his life and he is glad I did :)

    So we shall see how things continue to go, we're talking about taking a vacation this summer as well and he's moving the rest of his things in today. I think this was the right thing to do.

    Some of his issues stemmed from being alone a good majority of the time and how much he hated his old job. I'm sure there will still be some issues for a while, but so far so good. Here is too a possible bright future with this man I care so much about :)

    Thanks again guys

    Unbound
     
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You are an angel Unbound - and if this man does not realise that then he is a fool like no other!

    I'm happy for you - I'm happy your kids are happy also - and if they like him then its a good sign. In fact, its great!

    Sometimes a man just needs a good woman to bring him back on track. With you being a mother you need a man who would be working, your children need to be around this also. A man who commits to a women with children has to work. I'm sure he will happy once he gets a wage and can settle down.

    Hope your home is a happy one, one in which the sound of laughter is common and you all get to share your love for each other.

    Good to see this kind of ending.

    I'd cry if it was a movie.
     
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