is this rape??

[urban_lily]

I'm really not sure about what exactly 'counts' as rape....

I was having sex with my boyfriend a few days ago....everything was fine and totally consenting.....now, I'm not on the pill or anything, I was on the depo injection but came off it about 8 months ago so we are using condoms as contraception as I dont want to get pregnant......anyway, part way through having sex my boyfriend took off the condom and then carried on. I told him to stop and that I didnt want him to have sex with me if it was unprotected but he just carried on. I'm dont have much strength due to illness and had no chance of fighting him off. He pulled out before ejaculating but surely that's besides the point?? He says he did it because he hates condoms and they take away all feeling.....but I feel really used and that he had no regard for my feelings at all.

I really dont want to get pregnant....I'm ill and effectively disabled a lot of the time plus we hardly have enough money for ourselves and I feel it would be unfair to bring a child in to our lives at this time....my boyfriend however is desperate for a baby.

Is this rape? I dont want my boyfriend to get near me and I definitely dont want this happening again....I dont think he meant to upset or hurt me but he has. I also dont want to get him in any trouble but I'm just so unsure about exactly what happened and what it means.

Thanks in advance for any help

 

[danni]

if you tell him to stop and he wouldn't stop then it is consider rape hun :hug:

 

[urban_lily]

I thought so I guess...bu y'know when you're just not 100% sure

He really hurt me as well.....still hurts now Physically I mean....

 

[Esmeralda]

Technically, yes, it is rape. That being said, I wouldn't write him off as a psycho rapist. He probably didn't really "get" the gravity of the situation. For example, he wouldn't have attacked you in an alley and done what he did. You obviously cannot trust him at this point, though to look out for your and his well-being.

 

[urban_lily]

no of course he's not a psycho rapist or anything like that....and I think you're right, he didnt get it at all.....but I've tried to talk to him and explain how upset and hurt I was by it and he just seemed to shrug it off as if it was no big deal.....it made me doubt whether there was actually anything wrong at all and I thought maybe I was just making a big deal over nothing

 

[Esmeralda]

Not at all. If he refuses to acknowledge how this even made you feel violated and unimportant, then that is wrong on MANY levels. His refusal to even TRY to understand your emotions is a huge red flag. He is totally insensitive and irresponsible. How are YOU feeling about this whole thing hun?

 

[urban_lily]

very upset....very hurt. I suffer with depression anyway and now feel even less self worth than before. I'm feeling particularly low right now.....and I'm still physically hurting as well.

I just dont know what to do about all this

 

[Esmeralda]

Dump him. If he refuses to even TRY to understand what you are going through and refuses to acknowledge his insensitivity, you can do SOOOOOOOO much better hun. Really. You can. PM me if you wanna talk one-on-one :hug:

 

[urban_lily]

I cant do any better though.....if we split up I dont think I'll ever have another boyfriend again.....maybe that's no bad thing, not overly bothered one way or another at the moment about that. Main problem with that is that we live together and he is carer

 

[RySp123]

I dont know if techinically and legally it is considered a rape since the sex was consensual yet change your mind when he pulled off the condom.

For the rest, I agree that his behavior is a huge red flag. Either consciously or not, perhaps he is trying to impose a possibility of pregnancy as he wishes for a baby and you not (for obvious reasons). His lack of consideration is in itself reprehensible and show how little he has consideration for you, your feelings and not up to facing reality of facts (you being ill and money shortage to bring a child at this point). Doesn't bring respect to himself nor trust as his behavior is all but trust. You cant either count on him nor respect him so what's left? Totalitary behavior is not what a woman of this day and age wants nor aspires to. He has pulled a quick one on you this time but next time? On what will he attempt to pull a quick one? NO hun, you have to reflect on your relationship and on what you hope for to a healthy relationship and can he provide for this? If not, better walk out while you still can.

Good luck and sorry you find yourself in such a messy relationship.

 

[Blackness]

"Rape is a form of assault where one individual forces another to have sexual intercourse against that person’s will."
yeh I guess it was rape, no person should ever go against another's will just to please themself. And to do what he did was selfish and childish.

 

[RySp123]

"Rape is a form of assault where one individual forces another to have sexual intercourse against that person’s will."
yeh I guess it was rape, no person should ever go against another's will just to please themself. And to do what he did was selfish and childish.

"I was having sex with my boyfriend a few days ago....everything was fine and totally consenting"

they were both in the middle of having consentual sex when she changed her mind...... lets be clear on this....he didn't force her to ahve sex

 

[urban_lily]

no...he didnt force me to....until he took off the condom...then I wanted it to stop but he wouldnt.

I'm not going to go to the police or anything about this anyway....I just wasnt sure if I was right to make such a 'fuss' over it IYKWIM.

I only changed my mind because he took the condom off....I dont think he has any right to try and 'impregnate' me against my will and force me into a potential difficult descision about having a baby I dont really want or an abortion. I'm pretty sure that wont happen but the possible consequences of what might happen are worrying me.

Obviously this has made things in the relationship very difficult....as soon as I feel well enough and able I will sit him down to talk about this properly....if it can be repaired I'd like to at least try....if not, I want him to understand that what he did was horrible so he doesnt do something like that again....with me or anyone else.

Thank you for all the replies

 

[Melmoth the Wanderer]

How long has it been since this happened? Since you don't want to get pregnant, you could consider the morning after pill (Plan B, not RU-486)--that is, if it hasn't been more than three days. Just something to consider.

I agree with everyone that what happened was rape. I would suggest either calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-HOPE (4673)) or going to www.RAINN.org and finding a local rape crisis center. They can offer you more help than I can. Don't worry about them calling the police on your boyfriend. You have to make the complaint, not them. You need to talk to someone who has heard your situation before and can give you more options on what to do (or what not do, if need be).

Please don't let this go. You didn't deserve to be treated like that, and you don't deserve to keep suffering from it. Talk to someone.

We're here for you. :grouphug:

 

[urban_lily]

Thanks....it was less than three days ago but I cant take the morning after pill as I had it less than 6 months ago and you cant have it that frequently according to the nurse I spoke to (last time it was because the condom split....nothing like this).

I cant call the number suggested as I'm in the UK....thanks though, I'll do a google search and see what I can find.

 

[PontyCruizer]

"I was having sex with my boyfriend a few days ago....everything was fine and totally consenting"

they were both in the middle of having consentual sex when she changed her mind...... lets be clear on this....he didn't force her to ahve sex

if i was having sex with any of my previous partners and no matter at what pointstage we was at - if she said stop - i'd stop - infact it happened with my last partner in june this year the 1st time we did it - we was doing what ya do and she said stop, i stoped n said whats wrong n looked into her eyes n she said,nothing, just wanted to know of u'd stop and we started again-

if i hadnt of stopped, i wouldnt have loved her - s
o dont think he loves you that much not to care about your ask to stop

 

[alice0705]

Rape or not, I think you what you are really asking is more along the lines of your worth and respect. Do you have a right to stay stop and have him stop? Heck yes. I used to feel like I had to give in or go along, but then wonder why I felt that way? Or, if I said something and the guy continued, well maybe he got caught up in the moment, etc? NO, it is your body, your right. Dump him. You deserve better.

 

[Melmoth the Wanderer]

Sorry I didn't look to the left before I posted! I can be quite scatterbrained sometimes.

You've probably already found this website already, but I thought I'd post it here just in case. http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ They don't have a hotline, but you can find local rape crisis centers.