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Is this rape?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by yursomedicated, Jun 12, 2009.

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  1. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I had a boyfriend and he said that if I don't have sex with him he will dump me.
    So I had sex with him..I didn't want to.

    He ended up dumping me the next day.
    He got what he wanted. :(
  2. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    No, its not rape because you gave consent to the sex...

    I would say that he was using you though
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I agree not physical rape....but emotional rape-yes.

    So sorry that happened to you...honest heart is the easiest one to break and it sounds like you were very trusting and this guy a jerk!!!

  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Regardless of what we were to call it, you were taken advantage of, most certainly and I'm sorry it happened.
  5. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    It's really sad to hear that happened... I agree with the other posts, not rape, but what he did wasn't right..
    If you want to vent about it, feel free to PM me, I'd be happy to listen. :hug:
  6. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    It was having sex through coersion, which is tantamount to aquantance/date rape. So yes. It was. And I'm very sorry he was such a damned jerk who should be castrated. :sad: :hug: You should seek counciling at either a regular therapist or through your local woman's support shelter.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    It's not rape. He took advantage of you though :sad: I'm sorry he treated you like this..what a jerk :mad:

    I'm around if you need to talk,I've been through similar situations xx
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    He coherst you into something you unfortunately were not strong enough to say no He used blackmail to get what he wanted I say yes emotional rape and no because you went along with it not physical rape. I think someone needs to kick the living daylights out of him though
  9. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    As the others answers have already mentioned, this wasn't rape but it was most certainly selfish and hightly questionable. Nobody has the right to demand sex from someone else regardless if they have a relationship, a tenuous one or not. As abhorrent as this situation may seem, you need to take strength from it and not find yourself in this situation again (even if it is easier said than done).

    Glücklicherweise kann der Mensch nur einen gewissen Grad des Unglücks fassen; was darüber hinausgeht, vernichtet ihn oder läßt ihn gleichgültig.
    Which translates - Its fortunate that people are able to comprehend only a certain degree of their misfortune; anything beyond this will either destroys them or leaves them indifferent.
  10. evilperson

    evilperson Well-Known Member

    Um YES it was rape actually! All these people sayign it wasn't have no idea!:sad:

    Force means - coercion as well as physical force. It's rape.
  11. evilperson

    evilperson Well-Known Member

    The second article was a wonderful article thank you!
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I disagree that this was rape through coersion. Coersion would be saying "I'll kill your familly if you don't have sex with me", not "I'll break up with you if you don't have sex with me". Was it a shitty thing to do? Absofuckinglutely. The guy's a jerk. But let's face it. By calling it rape, you are saying that you had no real (or reasonable) choice or alternative in the matter.

    I think people focus too much anyway on labelling something as rape or abuse when it doesn't really matter what you call it. If you were traumatized by it, it shouldn't matter what name you give it. Giving this the name of "rape" in this case I think gives this guy and the incident itself more power over your life and emotions than they actually deserve. Trying to focus on moving on and putting the incident behind you as much as possible IMO is the healthiest way to get past it. Of course, seeing a therapist is advisable if you are finding this to be too difficult.
  13. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    PTSD and Rape Trauma Syndrome are why that's not a good suggestion, Esmerelda. Also, just not calling it something what it is, doesn't suddenly make it not what it is. Also, saying, "I'll break up with you if you don't have sex with me" is coersion. It's the "if you don't [do what I want]" that makes it so.
  14. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    "Coercion, in law, the unlawful act of compelling a person to do, or to abstain from doing, something by depriving him of the exercise of his free will, particularly by use or threat of physical or moral force."

    v. coerce [kəuˈəːs]
    to force (a person into doing something)

    No-one in this situation was in any deprived of free will and the threat he gave does not truly rise to the level of coercion. She made a choice to sleep with this guy in the hopes that he would not break up with her. That is not nor will it ever be rape. Sorry.
  15. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    You weren't raped, you were duped. I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson so young if at all. Not all guys will be like this. Just remember if someone gives you an ultimatum like that... dump him. It sucks and hurts now but you're better off without him. Get checked though if you didn't use any protection. Good luck!
  16. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I see.

    And it still doesn't change the fact. But proving that to some people is impossible unless they've been in the situation.

    This is the kind of mind-think which is why rapists, child-molesters and abusers go free. I pray nothing like this ever happens to you or anyone you love. Then you can try to explain to them how it wasn't rape when they were emotionally/psychologically manipulated (coerced!) into something they didn't want (because it's definitely free will to choose between two evils here!) and now have to live with the reprecussions of their decision.
  17. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    No. This is exactly the kind of mindset that makes people with perfect decision-making capabilities feel impotent and weak. You are doing a complete disservice to this girl by telling her she was raped. The bottom line is that she made a poor decision because her boyfriend was an asshole and gave her a sexual ultimatum. That is NOT rape! Everyone makes choices and just because we turn around and regret them later doesn't mean we can just put it off on someone else to avoid any culpability whatsoever. I love how you compare it to a child being molested. What a stellar opinion you must have of the original poster that she apparently has no more ability than a child to make an informed and intelligent decision when it comes to her own body. Nice. Her boyfriend was an asshole and she made a regrettable decision. End of story. Let her take responsibility for HER decision and hopefully next time, she will have the courage and confidence to stand up for herself and dump the loser instead of making her feel like some sort of helpless victim who has no control over her mind and body.
  18. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    It was emotional abuse and yes, coersion. I don't care what it is called when you feel betrayed and used.

    The fact that you decided to have sex, was a really bad choice because you didn't value yourself. I am so sorry that it happened and discussing these semantics doesn't change what happened - he was a jerk and you were treated horribly.

    What is more important is to find out why you made the choice you did. Who taught you that you were not worth standing up for? Is there someone you trust that you can talk to about how you are feeling, and why you would be willing to give in to his abusive techniques? Don't let it happen again.

    You are worth more than to be treated the way he did.

    Take Care.... :hug:
  19. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I agree 100%. You deserve to treat yourself better and to be treated better by others. If you are ever in this situation again, I believe that you can and will be strong enough to stand up for yourself :hug:
  20. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    Okay so my uncle Gary is a lawyer and I brought this up last night.

    He said that this is 100% not a case of rape. AT ALL. If you have sex with your bf because he wants to break up, see other people, move out, etc it is not considered rape to give in and have sex. She may not have wanted to but she was not physically forced or blackmailed with violence to have sex. She caved in because she did not want to lose her BF. You are doing her and other young woman a disservice by incorrectly telling them this is rape when it was as others have said, bad judgment. You don't get an out for doing something stupid and especially one so horrible as to accuse someone of rape. The guy is an asshole not a rapist and if you took this to court you would look like an idiot.

    Example: If you were caught shoplifting and then in court said your best friend coerced you to do it or your friendship would be over the friend would not get into trouble and you still would be.

    Please be logical before saying very important things to a an upset young mind. Especially one who got into this situation and are now wondering what it means...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2009
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