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is this rape?

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as ive mentioned in my previous posts, ive been having a lot of trouble with my husband, burying his head and egnoring the storm of crap thats surrounding us after the charges and the court dates exc,,,,,

problem is it isnt only his head hes been burying.

a few weeks ago i woke up at 4am to find him 'inside' me.

ive never refused him sex before, even if i wasnt in the mood, i would always relent and let him do as he wishes,,, but that,,,,, that just,,, didnt feel right. it felt sooo absolutly not right.

he keeps doing it.

the thing is,, he was talking with his friend and his girlfriend and she was telling us how her partner liked it when she was asleep, or pretending to be asleep, and we had a laugh and a joke saying it was necrophilia.

he wont stop

ive tried to bring it up with dave,, but he just laughs it off, like im playing, and not serious, he doesnt take anything i say seriously, he hasnt for a while.

he put his hand over my mouth and told me to 'shusshhhh,, go back to sleep'' as he pushed himself inside,,the 'wrong' place.(rearward)

i know ive joked about it with his mates and what they get up to, but i hate this, ive taken to locking the bedroom door but hes figured out how to open it, ive asked him to leave and its anything i can do to not be in the house, i sleep at friends, i go away with friends,,, anything.

i felt so sick and violated

ive tried to talk to him, he doesnt care, he thinks its funny. now he doesnt come near me at all. my marrage is totally fcuked, we were getting along as friends till this started. now hes ,, its like hes flipped, im scared of what he will do next, but i love him. i know its because of everything thats going off,,,, i know its sending him crazy,,,,, but im not strong enough. not for the both of us.

its killing me

where did i go wrong?


Chat Buddy
Well I know legally it's been a crime to rape a married partner since 1990, and if you aren't consenting to it then i'd say deffinately... Other that that i'm not sure what to say, I feel scared for you just reading this, and i have no idea what to suggest other than taking drastic measures or making him stop, although i'm not sure what the situation is enough to advise you how to do that, perhaps you should get another lock for your door, or think about moving out for a time if he doesn't realise how seriously you take it...


Well-Known Member
i may be sounding naive but is there a misunderstanding?Maybe he thaught u actually liked it,or he is trying to bring sth "new" to the relationship, u know part of the bullshit they say on tv...I m not a native speaker so there is a great chance i didn t understand some of ur sentences so forgive me if i am way off topic...
Btw has he shown any other form of violence?Does he hit you or shout at u with no reason?Coz usually rape is combined with other forms of domestic violence.I he a confident person or does he have self esteem issues?
he dos and he has hit me,, i have a tendancy to wind him up and egg him on though. i know each and every trigger. i dont know why i did it.
as for a misunderstanding, even when we weree joking about it, i made my thoughts very clear, i thought it was disgusting then. he saw my face, he knew i wasnt at all impressed by what was being said.
i only write this now as i know hes comming home late tonight, usualy i try to stay awake for him to get back, but i dont see how its possible tonight,,,,,,,,i wish he would just hold me and care for me how he used to. it isnt ever going to happen though.


SF Friend
Staff Alumni
It sounds like rape to me, and I've been raped so I have some idea what constitutes a rape. "by force and without consent" - that's rape. And I really don't like the hitting either.:mad:



Well-Known Member
Omg....Yes I would consider that rape, sex without your consent. You don't like whats happening and you have told him but he carries on. And he hits you?! I think you should move out before he becomes more violent.


Account Closed
in a relationship certain things can happen and are acceptable. But doing something completely for your own personal satisfaction regardless for the way it makes your partner feels, that's crossing lines to where in those moments your partner means nothing and you mean everything. To use your partners body as a tool for personal satisfaction regardless of their feelings is a violation.

I think it's rape. You've said how it makes you feel, to him and to this forum. It's destructive. There are times when we let our loved ones do things to us that might cause us some harm or discomfort, but we do it because we love them. When we tell them that it causes us stress, there comes a point where their responce shows us something. If they unknowingly caused pain, they feel remorse and choose to stop it. If they continue, they show how much their personal desires are compared to how much you are. To this he shows, no remorse, no care about how it makes you feel. And to you, how much it harms you, no matter who it is, if you do not give consent, it is rape. That's my opinon.

You in my opinon havent done anything wrong. Relationships aren't bound by a man saying the words spoken at a wedding, or by one climactic moment. Relationships work by constant love, apprication and understanding for your lover. He's, given up. He's let go, gone to himself, scared of dealing with the situation. But he has something else that someone who is alone doesnt have. He has you, and a surrounding stability that he is not holding up. Someone who is always there, around him, who loves him, who will do anything for him. He can take all he wants, and still conceal himself from you, at no consequence for his actions. I know in relationships we give buffer zones, or times where we think "shes just overreating" "she'll get over it" ect. I think, when you hit those moments, you're loseing or lost the most important things ina relationship, respect, understanding and love for your partner. He chooses to not give a shit about you, though later he might say he loves you, but in those moments when he is who he is, he takes what he wants, then does a wave like damage control to spew over the thought that just maybe he does love you, and that, you can take it. He might love you, its not my place to say, but if he truly did, he'd take his blades from out of you and simply hold you. He'd stop doing what he's doing to you from the first sign of discomfort. He'd be your husband and partner, not your fear and pain. Maybe i give him too much credit. Maybe he is just that thick that he doesnt realize it. Whatever the reasons, whatever his position, it doesnt change the fact that he harms you, in a cummulative painful way. You can't fight a war when your allies are cutting your feat out from beneath you. If he's just in it for himself, and not seeing the true picture...

Look after yourself. It's hard, especially with a loved one. I wouldn't know, alot don't, but alot do, and I bet, that maybe they would say that, unless he can see it, he isn't going to change it. And even just seeing it, he has to admit to it, and want to change it. And he's.. in la la land. And it seems that he's strangeling u as he stabs your soul and leads u along on a fine line hope.

I'm sorry if ive said something that's offensive. Just. . look after you. Please.

-A BlackStreet-

Here are a few things that you can read to determine if you believe it to be rape:
Rape in the dictionary means this:


The crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.
The act of seizing and carrying off by force; abduction.
Abusive or improper treatment; violation: a rape of justice.

Also this is another term in the US for what we in Law Enforcement use for Rape when deciding to charge someone with rape:

When "No" Means "No!":
Smarter Sex Survey reports that 93 percent of female students define rape as sex without consent or with someone who is unable to consent.

Rape is defined as forced sexual intercourse; force may involve psychological coercion (being "talked into it") as well as physical violence. This includes situations where the victim may be drunk, drugged, asleep, unconscious, or for any reason unable to say yes or no. It doesn't matter if a girl dresses sexy or a guy is really "bombed," sex without proper consent is RAPE. Period.

Have you stated to him that you are not willing to par take in this behavior (ie said NO) or have you just given him signals with your eye rolling and in a laughing joking manner told him that you do not like what is going on? The reason why I ask this is he may be getting mixed signals from you. But that DOES NOT give him any reason to place himself inside of you when you are sleeping to awake to him on top of you. That is a clear voliation of your person.

Look at this:

According to UK law rape is defined as sex without consent. Remember, however, that the law is still very limited in its understanding and definition of rape. For example some places still do not recognise rape in marriage as a crime, but this does not mean it doesn't exist. The following is a definition of rape that is based on the experiences of actual survivors:

Rape - any unwanted sexual act that takes place without the explicit and freely given consent of one of the people involved..

This includes any form of penetration and oral sex - both oral sex that was done to you or that you had to do to someone else.

Assualt by penetration (by objects/fingers etc) is rape. This has yet to be recognised by UK law but this does not make it any less true. Remember it took years of campaigning for rape in marriage to be made a crime but that did not mean it was not happening or real - the law is limited and does not represent women's experiences.

Rape is rape regardless of relationship - rape in marriage has been a crime for over ten years in the UK now.

There is no such things as a 'rapeable offense' - being drunk/dressed in a certain way/doing a certain job/being intimate with a person/alone with a person/having slept with them before does not make rape inevitable or acceptable.

There are no circumstances where a woman looses her right to her body.

Continuing a relationship with someone after they have raped you does not change the fact that a person has been raped. Women have many reasons for staying/returning - none of them can unmake a rape.

Any unwanted sexual contact is sexual assault.

Hope that helped you a lil. Seek some help and please report this if he does not stop this behavior.


Antiquitie's Friend
For what it's worth, I agree with the general consensus. I really liked what Blake had to say, and also the others.
I'm so sorry. I don't know you, or your situation at all. I do know that this kind of thing can be hard to accept for what it is (and that may be an understatement). I hope you come through it all ok.
Ill never understand why men force there partners to do something that they obviously dont enjoy...And whats this putting the hand over the mouth business? That sounds a little strange to me....like he knows what his doing is wrong, and doesnt want a word from you about it.

I think you need to lay down the law that you dont like it, perhaps some councelling if his willing. Hopefully that will work, if not you might have to consider leaving the guy...you cant carry on being abused like this.
thankyou,, all of you for your support and advice. i was right though. yet he either doesnt understand or he dosnt care how i feel. today, he will get up at around 2pm...... he will egnore me, mabey say morning. by 3 pm he will be sorted with his breakfast and cup of tea then he will go out. and he wont come back till the early hours. wont be late tonight though, about 1am i think tonight. i could try an talk to him again but i know it will just provoke an argument and then possibly worse. i give as good as i get and i can take a beating, that i dont moan about like i said before 99 % of the time ive wound him up and i deserve what i get.
my friend is getting a place in a few weeks,, and ive been invited to move in with him. i think if nothing changes in the near future i will have no choice. it will be complicated though, the kids and everything, th solicitors and everything,, christ.............................. mind boggling.


Antiquitie's Friend
i give as good as i get and i can take a beating, that i dont moan about like i said before 99 % of the time ive wound him up and i deserve what i get.
Maybe neither of you deserve this, and you are doing the right thing for both of you in seperating?
theres been so much hurt, so much change, so much pain and anguish,, and yet so much more to come. neither of us do deserve this,im holding the fort while he gets his self together, but i have been doing for 14 months,,,,,,,,,,,, i cant do it anymore, he wont help, just hinder, like he wants rid of me so he can die peacefully,,,,,and give up. i love him. togther we might stand a chance,,,,,,i wish he would help me.

i just want to get over this mountain,, then think about the future,,, just work past it,,,,then make decisions for the future, and move on.
if it means saying goodbye, whatever,, but lets have it clear, decisive,,, for once.
yes it is rape and abuse and you need to save yourself and get away from him... it will continue to escalate... you r not safe and he needs to seek therapy .....he could go violent... really violent... save yourself...
when he isnt like that, hes really sweet,,, or he really just egnores me,, either way it isnt all the time, god listen to me, defending him,, christ, i know exactly what i sound like,, why do i do this to myself???


SF Friend
Staff Alumni
You say you "wind him up" and that you "deserve what you get in return"?? I disagree. No one deserves to be beaten or otherwise abused - NO ONE!! For your own safety I wish you could live elsewhere - it's not good for kids to witness abuse either. That gives them the impression that such a life is 'normal', and often kids who witnessed abuse while growing up develop into abusers or allow themselves to be abused.

kids arnt here,, long story its in the previous posts,, its to do with the rest of the trouble the halfwit husbnd has caused. thy are with my mother, they dont see any of it,, i would rather kill him than have my children affected anymore by any of his cra,,,,p.
as for me, i made my bed when i said i do,,,,,,,, i want a divorse,, ive asked for one, he doesnt take me seriously. when this is al over ad done with which will be after the trial in february. by march, no matter what the outcome, no matter what hapens,,
everything will be so very diferent, a chance to change .,,,, trying to hold on till march,, just hopeing ill make it. mabey christmas will kill me. the only thing that would stop me is the thought i wouldnt want to spoil christmas for my kids, my date if i choose to make one will be away from christmas day.
i would deffiantly say this is rape, anything sexual related that you did not agree to is assault/rape. Being asleep you did not agree to sexual intercourse, he took it upon himself to have sex with you and this is rape.
What you have been through is in no way right. He has repeatedly violated you and this is rape. And as was stated earlier, no one deserves to be beaten. Waiting until Feb or March may be too long. Please do what you can to take care of yourself. I understand what you are going through. I have been there. It doesn't get better hun. Please get help now, before you are unable to.
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