Is this really "abuse"?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by TheNobodies, Jul 12, 2016.

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  1. TheNobodies

    TheNobodies Member

    I've been to two psychologists who both say I experienced abuse as a kid. To summarize, 2nd-8th grade my dad would often get angry for i.e. lying about brushing my teeth, not understanding how to do my math HW, getting B's instead of A's in my classes, and when he got angry he would do things like throw me down the stairs, throw me against the walls, throw me into the empty bathtub, or something like pour soup on my head pinch my face as hard as he could, all while yelling as loud as he could. I'm sort of trying to figure out if I'm really "scarred" by this or not... I would like to say no...I feel like people in today's world are just to sensitive and 50 years ago this would be normal not "abuse". The psychologists (I've been to three because I've been moved recently (one was the head of the clinic)) said that the "abuse" from my dad led to social anxiety and other issues, since I have low self-esteem and never learned to talk to anyone. I'm not really sure what to think about it though...I would like there to just be a simple answer or method of what I should do, but I'm not sure if there is seems like when I go to the therapist we just sit there and talk and I don't see how that's really helping anything. Is there any easy and quick way to just get over the past?
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. To the best of my knowledge, YES that was abuse. Hitting, throwing a someone down stairs, into a wall or into an empty bathtub are examples of physical abuse. Many parents get upset over everyday things such as brushing ones' teeth, getting good grades, doing one's homework - most parents/caregivers do not yell, demean, or physically harm their children. I'm sorry you experienced that! *hug*

    A child depends on adults, so when an adult parent/caregiver turns around and dishes out very hurtful, shaming/humiliating comments and physically aggressive and harmful actions, a child can feel very confused, alone, and scared. After all, the person who is supposed to love and care for them, is hurting them. Abuse damages how a child perceives the world - "Can I trust people?" "Will I ever be good enough to be loved?" "I try and even the people who are supposed to love me hurt me."

    Therapy - talking to a trained and understanding person - does help many people. It might seem like "just talking," but I'd bet that the therapist is asking some questions and commenting back, and it's likely all part of getting to know you and helping you to reflect on what happened, how it happened, how you felt about that then, and how you feel about it now. Therapy takes a bit of time. The amount of time varies from person to person. Maybe just work away at it for now. You could also ask the therapist what to expect in terms of time and progress.

    Keep us posted on how you're doing. :)
    SillyOldBear likes this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yes. That sounds like abuse to me. It may have seemed "normal" to you since that is all that you knew as a child but it is not.
  4. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    My father never spoke to me. He always shouted and threatened. When I was about 45 years old I was on a long cycling trip. As I was going along it seems as if I was presented with a plate full of everything my father had ever said, done or hadn't done to me. I was immediately struck by a sense of anger and dark thoughts. Cold hatred began to seep into my soul and in an instant I cried out loud, "I forgive him". Everything returned to normal and I cycled along in a state of bliss.

    When I arrived back at my car I decided to phone my father who lived about four miles away. He could hardly speak and so I immediately went to see him. My father swore for weeks after that I had saved his life. That if I hadn't have arrived he would be dead.
    What he wasn't aware of is the fact that if I hadn't forgiven him I would never have phoned. The shout of forgiveness also healed me and saved me from a life of hatred.

    Forgiveness is the finest, long lasting and sure remedy.
  5. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    Yes, this is abuse. There is sometimes a "confusing line" -- but when your pinching a child's face, throwing them in (a most-likely cast iron tub that could give them brain concussions), and pouring hot and burnable liquids on their head/face. Throwing a child down the stairs-- poses a risk of injury (such as broken bones and can kill someone). This is abuse. There is no getting around that. When an adult conflicts something on a child that could likely pose an long-lasting injury is some of the key factors of knowing that it is abuse.

    An unhealthy parent-child relationship can impact in your adult life. It makes it harder to learn how to process emotions and trust. It can make some angry and violent whilst it makes some recluse and anxious like. The fact, that you, and many others that have been in similar situation (including myself) are on a suicide forum-- is telling.

    "Fixing" things can take awhile. Therapy, true acceptance, closure, forgiving... is sometimes all needed to help slowly heal and move on. Try to work with a therapist. For me- I needed to see one every week for a year to finally open up and express all of it to them.

    Please let us know how your progress goes ((Gentle Hugs)) ~ We are here for you <3
  6. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Yes @TheNobodies , that was definitely abuse. I feel like personally, a parent should never put their hands on a child. Especially if they are angry.

    No, there is no easy back from all of this abuse, to a "normal" perspective. You were hurt, very badly. It is going to take you a long time to overcome this. But you can do it, you will have to work very hard at it. The thing about abuse is, when you start dissecting what happened, you will begin to remember more abuse.

    one question, that keeps coming to my mind about all of this. Where was your mom, when all of this horrible things happened to you? Why didn't she stop it? Did she partake in the abuse of you as well? Forgive me, if I am being nosey, I am just trying to understand your story and you.

    Take Care
  7. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I agree you suffered abuse. One way to think about it, if you had a small innocent child who made a mistake, would you throw him/her down the stairs because you can't control your anger? If not a child, would you throw a puppy or a kitten?

    I was brought up in an abusive household and at first, I denied it all happened, chalking it up to the "ways" of my parent's culture. This was just a way for me not to deal with the pain. Once I accepted that all of these things happened to me, and that I was continuing the cycle by putting myself in situations where I was abused either verbally or emotionally, I had to face it and deal with it. The abuse also created a very low self-esteem and I had zero values when it came to myself. I also suffered anxiety and depression, probably since I can remember at the age of eight. I still suffer physical problems like migraines under stress and a bad digestion if I get a negative emotion such as fear or heartache.

    It took a long time to deal with this, I wish there was a quick fix but there isn't. The thing about therapy is that it gives you a chance to let everything out to an objective party. I really feel that time and talk is the best healer, and meds if you need help during the time. I wanted answers, I wanted apologies, I had the anger. The parents never admitted it, so I ended up disowning them in order to get all toxicity out of my life for good, but it took me until my 30's to do this.

    But what really helped me, like @Huw mentioned, was forgiveness, which many people don't understand. I wasn't about to let two child abusers off the hook because I knew they would never show regret. After about 5 years of having them out of my life, I was able to let them go, to say that I forgive them for what they did because they were ignorant and mentally ill, and that I don't deserve that kind of treatment ever. I forgave them, only to be able to stop allowing those memories to hurt me anymore, to be able to move on. I never said to them "I forgive you" because in truth, they do not deserve my empathy or sympathy what have you, but I am the one who is important so that's what I did and it helped me forget them. Now when I talk about the abuse, I have no feelings, good or bad, so I know I've managed to move on.

    I wish you luck in your journey, and remember, a wound takes patience, care and time to heal. Do what you need to do to make sure your healing is your number one priority. xx
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