Is This Really Abuse?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by on_the_edge, Aug 1, 2011.

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  1. on_the_edge

    on_the_edge Member

    I've been sitting in my house... alone for the past four or five hours while my husband is out with his "friends" and I guess I have a question to pose, but first a little background knowledge. My husband and I have been married for 7 months and we had a great marriage until about a month or two ago. He started getting jealous when I was talking to friends online or answering phone calls. He would get upset and would say things like "how do you have any friends?" or "you mean someone actually likes you enough to talk to you?" At first, I thought this was funny, just a joke. But as the months progressed I've seen it get worse. I can't leave the house without him demanding to know where I'm going. I can't leave my phone at home because he has to have a way to contact me "in case of an emergency." He calls me while he is at work to see what I'm doing (to check up on me.) I recently had a job interview and before I went he told me that I'd do fine if I didn't act like I "normally" do and screw up. He has pinned me against a wall before and he's grabbed my face and slapped me a few times, but only after saying how much I screwed up dinner or didn't get the dishes done, or whatever else. The problem arises with trying to tell anyone about it. I've tried to mention things to friends or other people in our family, but they deny it and say he isn't the kind of guy that would do such a thing... that I must be making it all up to make myself look better. SERIOUSLY? Why would I say that? Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to ask is just what the title says....
    So let me know what you think... Is it?
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi again on_the_edge,

    I hope there is some way (like a way to prove something - a witness seeing him treat you that way, maybe a hidden camera?) that can help others believe you. He has no right to hit his wife under these circumstances. :hugtackles: He needs to get the message that it's not OK that he can do this and get away with it.

    And, to answer your question, I think he is abusive (verbally and physically).

    Best wishes,

    Alex
     
  3. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    Yes that is abuse . It appears that he wants to control you which is never good and if you let him it will only get worse.
    You must decide what you want to do. If you want to continue in therapy them perhaps some couples counselling is in order.
    If you want out then contact a womens refuge and they will help you'
    If he hits you ,you can report him to the police .
    There are options but only you can decide which is right for you. You have realised he is abusing you and now you have to take steps for it to stop because your husband will not/
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    ah hun yes it is abuse you need to leave really hun YOU deserve so much better than this kind of relationship Document everything report each time you are physically harmed you need help hun go to womens shelter they will protect you and getyou on right path of healing hugs
     
  5. Patience

    Patience Member

    I really think that is abuse. You might need to call the police if he continues hitting you. If he leaves any marks, please show them to your family, and if they STILL don't think you're telling the truth then try hiding a video camera somewhere. I'm sure they'll believe you if you give them enough evidence.

    How often does your husband go out? I don't want to worry you but if he goes out frequently, then he might be hiding something from you. That may explain why he's constantly checking up on what you're doing.
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Hi there,

    I agree with everyone else, this is abusive.

    I know how hard it is, I have been there.

    Before anything further happens, what you should do is get a copy of all important documents that you may need if you leave (marriage cert, lease/house deed, passport, etc. etc. etc.) If you have a friend that you trust, mail a copy of all of these documents to them. If you can't do that, have them hidden and ready to take with you when and if you need and want to leave that situation in a hurry.

    Please do call domestic violence hotlines for help, they can give you some excellent emotional support and practical support also.

    Please PM me anytime if you need anything with regards to this, take your safety (your emotional sanity and your physical safety) very importantly. It is good that you are askign questions of this behavior now.

    Please take care, :hug:
     
  7. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Id get out now.im in the same boat .nobody believes me either.
    It will only get worse.if he hits you once then hell hit you again.
     
  8. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Yes, abusive...been there.
    Same scenario. Don't let it go on.
    It's not your fault You are not responsible but try please
    try to get out and do better for yourself.
    you are worth it for sure....He's a control freak and it will only get worse for sure.
     
  9. Lilly

    Lilly Well-Known Member

    uhm,.....definitely IS abusive. :( sorry thats happenin to you darlin. i hope that it stops.
     
  10. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Hiya On the Edge,

    I dont know if this is what you want to hear right now but this is just the beginning.
    I had a very similar relationship which turned extremely abusive both physically and mentally.
    Your partner has some serious issues that need addressing or you need to get out NOW while you can.
    No one wants to be told this
    starts with jealousy and control
    moves to small taps or holding you in restrictive ways
    leads to verbal abuse and pulling your confidence down
    harder slaps
    apologizing for what they have done but justifying it
    fear of doing things wrong so you dont upset them
    loosing all confidence and justifying their actions towards you
    harder slaps and more restraint
    more verbal to knock all confidence from you
    worse violence leading to hospitalization

    DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN
    he needs treatment first. at the moment you arnt trapped but you are suffering from low self esteem and already putting up with the first few stages.

    he needs treatment or you need to end the marriage
     
  11. Christina.

    Christina. Member

    i'm 15, and I have no idea about marriages or life what so ever, but I completly agree with Eclipse. I couldn't say it better myself.
     
  12. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Yes, it is. I see pretty much eye to eye with Abjure and MoA. IMO, there is enough smoke for you to start looking for the exit. Abusers rarely start by putting you in the hospital on the first date. Usually things escalate and it can get seriously ugly. From what you described, this follows a very typical pattern. There is a honeymoon phase until they have you on the hook and then they get into control freak mode. Know that there is absolutely no excuse for him to humiliate you and even less to slap you. NO EXCUSE. You could have serve him a pile of cow dung that it is still no reason for him to hit you. Don't tolerate it. If there is a shelter for battered women in your area, I would try to contact them and see what they say (sometimes they are not listed for the protection of the women, so ask a police officer or a social worker). Don't speak to him about taking those steps, at this point what matters is your safety. My bet is that if you try to talk to him about it, he will do his best to stop you to get any support and keep you under his boot. He is already trying to isolate you. Until you're ready for your move, the less he knows, the better it is for you. It does not matter that others believe you or not, what does is your gut feeling about this. Those ***** can be pretty sneaky in hiding what they do, invalidate your feelings and get people on their side. After all, obviously he played his cards well enough to fool you until you got married. If you want to try to salvage your marriage is up to you. The stats are not really on the side of an happy ending here. Abusers have deep seated psychological issues which are very hard to change. Many, even after counseling, will resume abusing you once they feel safe you wont leave. I know its hard for you to consider things under that angle after only 7 months of marriage. Hope this help.
     
  13. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Time to get a divorce.
     
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