Is this really as good as it gets ?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Fatman1966, Aug 24, 2008.

  1. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    It's been a while, nearly a year I think

    So much has happened, some good times, so bad times, but still here I am again, posting messages that no one will ever really read, well not in a way that will make a difference to my life, I bit short sighted of me I guess, nothing is set in stone, anything is possible, that just seems so far away right now.

    for those that don't know, can't remember, I'm a 40 something, gay man, an issue that has always brought great personal conflict to me, until about a year ago, I met a new friend, that said he didn't care, it made no difference, for a time we were friends, not in any kind of sexual way, just two lonely people that needed each others company, all was well, I had some really great times, just hang around, doing guy stuff, at my age I never thought I would have that sort of friend again, but of course it didn't last, a girl came along and I did something foolish, after all, he nearly always said he wasn't gay, it was ironic really, the girl that took that friend away from me, came looking for a realitionship with an old fool like me first, then moved onto him, as I was "unavailable"

    So now here I am all alone in the world again, I miss those times, having someone to talk to, some one to go out with, someone to trust, someone to be there for, someone to surprise me, I miss those times, I miss him.

    He doesn't speak to me any more, he broke his promise, ok I was in the wrong to " get a bit frisky" with him, that was wrong on me, but despite all my efforts to make things right between me and him, he still refuses to forgive me, maybe I got too close, maybe I let him get far to close to me, I can get no explanation from him, no reason why he should walk out of my life so prompty, with so little information to go on.

    Where did I go wrong ? what did I do wrong ? for my life to turn out this way, it seems so unfair, so unjust, things could change, I could change them, but now even after all these years, no matter how hard I try, no matter what happens, I always end up the one that gets hurt and right now, it hurts so much, what have I done to deserve this ? is this my fate ? my punishment ? am I being judged by some higher power ?

    Is this really as good as it gets ?

    I hope not !

    But

    I suspect it is for me
     
  2. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    well guess that pretty much is as good as it gets for me.

    It's a strange thing to know you are going to be single for the rest of days, never having anyone to come home to, to be there for, to hold you close when you need hold holding close, to be there for

    don't ask me how, I just know, I think I have always known, I am and will be single for my entire life, how are you supposed to deal with that, to cope with that, never having anyone you can truely rely on in your life apart from yourself, never waking up with another person beside you in your bed

    at my age, how sad is that, to never have woken up with someone beside me, to nevr have waatxhed a film cuddled up to someone that enjoyed the cuddle as much as the film, to never be that someone special in anyone life, not even my own
     
  3. pippo

    pippo Member

    I am not usually that helpful in making people feel better, but I have to say that you sound like a really sweet and intelligent guy, and I just can't imagine that nobody else would see what kind of person you really are and want to spend their time with you. After all, your good friend did. I can't tell you that your friend may be dealing with some issues right now and eventually come around. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you by not being available to you on a sexual level, being unable to provide a certain side of him that he will never be able to give? Anyway, it's tough to deal with a situation like this, but don't feel too down. Are you in an place where you have the opportunity to meet a lot of new people? Maybe you could get out more, but make sure not to join the "dating scene".... :) It's no good for making yourself feel good.
     
  4. *huggles*
    Don't be so hard on yourself!! It's "them." You will find the one. Have faith in that, if anything. And when they come along, this just means you will be fully able to appreciate those things. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. :)
    It's friends like this where you will miss them, but ultimately, the greater loss it theirs. *hugs*
     
  5. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Guess I have pretty much resigned myself to this life the way that it is, single alone, table for one, when ever I reach out to someone, trust them, all they see is a gay guy trying to get into thier pants, but that's not the whole truth, ok may be it is when I have had a drink or two, but there is so much more to me than that, it's what I am, not who I am, it's just I am the only one that can see that right now !

    What do they call it, a "fine weather friend" some one to turn to when the chips are down or they are really bored, that just doesnt seem fair, I am better than that, deserve better than that but even after all this time, no one else seems to hold me in any higher reguard than that ?

    What is it that I do wrong ?

    Other less fortunatey people seem to do just fine, so why not me ?

    I bet everyone on this board would pay good money for the answer to that one !

    My destiny seems preset, mostly by myself, I just don't see how I can change that fate right now, I'm too straight to be gay and too gay to be straight, so that leaves me with very few options

    More of the same is all that springs to mind, forever on the outside, the edges, looking in, a tiny Tim of the adult world, some how, that just doesnt seem fair