Is this really who I am?

[Rai02]

I have felt for a long time that my life has been one big lie after another, after another. I can't stand the person I have become. I can't live with myself today.

I am haunted by mistakes, bad choices, stupid actions. The baby I so selfishly did away with, without even giving him/her the chance to live. The selfish addictive behavior that has plagued me for so long. To think that I would choose the needle over so many people who have been so important to me.

Then, I get myself on track, marry an amazing man, have 2 beautiful children, and then there it comes again. My darkness follows me everywhere I go. I cannot get away from it. I cannot outrun it, I cannot hide from it. Darkness will catch up with me, it always does. I will never be able to be happy and at peace w/ myself. I cannot undo the things I have done. All I can do is move on and live with those things.

They follow me everywhere. They never disappoint me. I guess in some way, I never let them down either...

 

[me myself and i]

I have felt for a long time that my life has been one big lie after another, after another. I can't stand the person I have become. I can't live with myself today.

I am haunted by mistakes, bad choices, stupid actions. The baby I so selfishly did away with, without even giving him/her the chance to live. The selfish addictive behavior that has plagued me for so long. To think that I would choose the needle over so many people who have been so important to me.

Then, I get myself on track, marry an amazing man, have 2 beautiful children, and then there it comes again. My darkness follows me everywhere I go. I cannot get away from it. I cannot outrun it, I cannot hide from it. Darkness will catch up with me, it always does. I will never be able to be happy and at peace w/ myself. I cannot undo the things I have done. All I can do is move on and live with those things.

They follow me everywhere. They never disappoint me. I guess in some way, I never let them down either...

Oh the hauntings................
I have a phd in them.
The needle welcomes escapists and then stops them from escaping.
Only through change can you forgive yourself for your mistakes.
ITS SO EASY TO SAY SORRY, BUT IN TRUTH MIGHT AS WELL SAY" MARGARET THATCHER"
We can undo the things we have done, but we can't change the fact we did them in the first place.
This is done by forgiveness of yourself and others.
I suppose if you don't like yourself much, that shows to others and makes it more tricky to be liked.
So we have to forgive ourselves first, then do things that make us like ourselves next. We can also try to forgive others, if not the acts, then just the people themselves.
Thats not easy and i am a work in progress on that one.
Your kids, like mine, only see Mum, their love for you is endless ( Dad in my case)
Inside us all, we have inner beauty, you have too.
Trick is to let it out, first our own souls have to see it, then its glow will attract others.
That glow will always shine a light when the darkness occurs.
Do not seek happiness, seek contentment.
When contentment occurs, you will be happy.
I don't know your story but i do know you deserve to be loved and to love.
But you have to like yourself first.
Stay strong, if the darkness chases you, make choice to turn light on.
You have finger on switch, no one else does.
I wish you well.

 

[Chargette]

It's not the person you really are. It's the DISEASE of depression that you really have. It often is so hard to separate the two.

I hope you are able to get professional help.

:hug: