Don't know if this would actually trigger anyone, but it freaks me out, so better safe than sorry. As such things are reckoned, I don't have a huge history of self-harm on record. I cut up my arms the last time I was suicidal years ago, but I stopped after I got out of the hospital. It was too difficult to hide and explain and it never seemed to "work". I was pretty good about staving off the desire to hurt myself for a long time after that, but at my lowest moments when I felt like I needed to punish myself somehow, or maybe just to hurt myself worse than I felt or prove I could take it...maybe all three, it's hard to say...I'd get a belt and beat the crap out of my back and shoulders and blame the bruises and cuts on playing too rough with the dogs or falling or whatever seemed likely at the time. Now that I'm suicidal again, I've noticed something else that really scares me. I do martial arts and I was trying to get in shape for an MMA match. I probably won't make it to be in the fight, but I still train anyway. It's the only thing I still want to do, and I think I take it too far. I did punch drills on the bag today until my knuckles were bloody through my wraps, and I ran until I literally could not stand up anymore and nearly passed out, and it made me feel better for just a minute, but it still wasn't enough and now I feel worse than before, and guilty on top of everything because I'm going to have to figure out something to tell people when they notice that my hands are all bruised and scuffed up. Is this the same as cutting or it something else? I don't know anyone in real life that self-injures, and I'm afraid to talk to anyone around here about it.