Is this self-harm?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by worlds edge, Feb 14, 2007.

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  1. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    I've been really frustrated with my conduct at work and at home lately. So, I decided yesterday that if I failed to concentrate on work while at work I would hit myself as hard as I could manage with a rubber mallet on the fat part of my thigh. I figured this way I'd motivate myself to get things done.

    Well, I failed.

    So this morning about 5:30 AM I took a rubber mallet and hit myself ten times on the fat part of my quadriceps, as hard as I could manage. It stung like hell while I was doing it, but five minutes after I stopped most of the pain had receded, and in the shower there wasn't even a black and blue mark. Probably because the mallet has a wide head and is of rubber, albeit a very hard rubber. I'm thinking if I'd have used a claw hammer it would be a different story.

    Today has been equally bad, so tomorrow early in the AM I'm planning on a repeat performance, except this time it'll be fifteen whacks. Hopefully I'll get the message at some point. And when I do I plan on terminating this exercise.

    I'd considered going the cutting route, I certainly have no fear of scars or blood. Just too likely to lead to discovery.

    Though I must admit this afternoon the leg has gotten a bit sore and there seems to be something a bit, well, squishy, going on down there, I'm thinking this is just about the ideal approach. No blood, minimal visible evidence and it hurts like crazy when I'm doing it. Which should drive home the message.

  2. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    Yes this is a form of self harm. Also i do not think it is a very good idea, all forms of self harm can be, and usually are, very addictive. not to mention the damage they can do.

    U say u do this as a form of punishment for not doing well at work. I am sorry u feel u have to punish yourself. I can understand the idea behind giving urself motivation to do better however punishment is not the best way to do this. Punishment often pushes people down into a destructive cycle. Instead have u considered a reward system? When u do well at work u cud reward urself with something u enjoy. Set goals u want to reach at work and wen u achieve them reward urself. Reward has been proven to work better than punishment so its probably worth a try.

    Take care and be safe
  3. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    Well, you're certainly harming yourself, but I'm not sure if it counts until you're addicted. Not that we haven't accepted other people who weren't addicted as a SHer, but...

    Probably you shouldn't try it, eh?
  4. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry you feel the need to do this to yourself. Punishment is my main reason to self injure also. I think Lonely_One has some great ideas there about rewarding instead of punishing. I just wanted to say that, while you say that "when you get the message, you'll terminate the exercise", it isn't always that easy and, while you may think you can stay in control, it's most likely that before that point, it will control you. You also might think that you can limit it to what you're doing now on your thigh but I can tell you, its likely to spread to other places, and while I can't say it will happen to you, for me and many people that I know, you find more and more methods to hurt yourself, it just gets worse and worse.

    I hope that you are able to stop doing this and find a better way. :hug:
  5. Anamnesis.

    Anamnesis. Active Member

    Yea this is deffinetely self harm, if it hurts, it's self harm. But isn't there an easy way in helping yourself to concentrate like drinking coffee in the morning or an energy drink? And maybe you have a disorder (ADD for example) that is completely treatable with a medication. You should try to find out what is keeping you from concentrating and find a solution (coffee/meds) before you go and hurt yourself.
  6. immure

    immure Account Closed

    i sure hope u learn quick.
  7. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    I don't think addiction to self-harm will be an issue for me, but I'll keep this in mind.

    Reward doesn't seem to work with me. I guess I had too Catholic an upbringing or something.

    Does it help keep you on the straight and narrow? I'm interested in a acheiving certain results before I make a decision on suicide, and I've candidly not had much luck getting there.

    I didn't realize this was the case, or at any rate a common issue. I've been thinking and reading about suicide for many years now, but with self-injury I'm a babe in the woods.

    How would I know I'm addicted? Is there anything special I should look for?

    But it is self-harm done for an explicit reason. I wonder if that makes a difference?

    I already drink ten to fifteen cups of coffee a day. Black. This started before my hypothyroidism was diagnosed, and I just never fell out of the habit. (For those who don't know, hypothyroidism causes severe fatigue. I tried to fight it with coffee.)

    I'm already on Welbutrin and Lexapro, plus Levothyroxine for a medical condition (hypothyroidism). But I'll have to think about this. An initial diagnosis of ADD at age 42 (43 in two months) would be interesting, wouldn't it?

    Oh, and I did fifteen thwacks this morning. My thigh is throbbing.
  8. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    I'm also going to try to stay out of forums during the day henceforth. I'm thinking they're part of my problem with distraction. So if anyone replies it might be a day or so before I look in again. Please don't be offended. :smile:

  9. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    If you keep comming back with barely a thought to any other process, if you're constantly obsessed with it, I'd call it addiction.

    Also, you said 'But it is self-harm done for an explicit reason. I wonder if that makes a difference'
    Self-harm is generally done for an explicit reason. Some use it for one explicit reason, some use it for many. It's not always a wild impluse directed at any unhappy emotions, you know.
  10. zusanna

    zusanna Active Member

    i don't think adult attention disorder is too uncommon. might want to get it checked out? :)
  11. Is This It

    Is This It Well-Known Member

    Do you enjoy hurting yourself? Is the work thing just a reason to condone hurting yourself? Or maybe it helps take your mind off your work and forget about the stress.
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