is this the defining moment in our relationship?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Gergin, Feb 13, 2016.

  1. Gergin

    Gergin Well-Known Member

    My ex roommate came over to pick up some things he forgot to pack. I think it was just toiletries, a turntable, his vinyl collection, and accessories for his computer. But we ended up getting into another argument. I was irritable because I just got off work and he's chooses to come get his shit at 3 in the morning. He wanted me to help him move his stuff into his car so he can get done faster and " be out of your life forever." In which I replied, " No. That's your shit. I don't need to do you anymore favors. We aren't friends anymore." He got really angry and started insulting me, bringing up old shit and just being absurd and obnioxus. My door was still opened too so we probably woke up the whole apartment floor. He knows what pushes my buttons and he was pushing them all. I was beginning to feel fight or flight just when I was about to go into my room and leave him be, he said something about my deceased sister. That made me fucken lose it. I was blinded by rage. I went barreling towards him screaming for him to get ready. He only had about 3 seconds to brace himself but I swung at his face and just kept swinging. He grabbed my neck, I punched his face, we fell on the ground, rolled around each of us trying to get the upper hand, knocking stuff over , glass breaking, he got on top tried to hold my hands down, screaming for me to stop, but I was possessed by anger, still fired up, so I lifted up my hips grabbed his arm and flipped him over. Then I mounted him and just starting punching his face. He was screaming bloody murder. My knuckles busted open. So did his lip. Next thing I know I was put in a choke hold. My neighbor's voice telling me to calm down or else he tightens his grip. His girlfriend went to my ex roommate and helped him up. My neighbor had me sit in his apartment (his apartment was like mine but backwards) until my ex roommate and his girlfriend finished taking his stuff out of my house. At that point I was just screaming and crying. It felt good that I hurt him. How dare he say that about my sister, he didn't know her, I did. Even if it was for a short time at least I got to meet someone whose soul was so beautiful. But at the same time why does It feel so bad that I hurt him. My neighbor was trying to calm me down, started telling me to breathe and talk about it.
    I always knew him as my neighbor Art but tonight he was Art the firefighter with the emerald hair'd nurse girlfriend. Whose father was battling cancer. How he and his girlfriends busy schedules usually over lap on Fridays. How drinking home made hot chocolate was a cure to hyperventilating. How being angry was okay. We talked for about half an hour until his girlfriend came to check on my hands. She gave me a couple stitches and hugged me. We didn't know each other very well, but they were so loving towards me. The world needs more people like them. After I got back to my apartment I cleaned up. Took a bath and tried to think up of an apology to my roommate. I know I crossed the line when I physically put my hands on him and I'm not trying to justify it but all I can say is I had enough. I feel bad how this night went down but if he doesn't accept my apology I think I will still be okay with it.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm happy your neighbours helped you, they sound really really nice! Maybe it would be worth it to try to build a bit on that relation?

    What happened last night was awful but honestly it says so much more about your ex roommate! What a horrible way to treat you!
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you neighbors were there to prevent an awful situation from becoming worse. You need to seriously consider what happened however, and even more seriously consider a lack of remorse over it. In the end , while he had no right to say those things and was being rude to show up at 3 am and ask you for help moving stuff at 3 am- you had the option at the beginning to simply go back to your room and letting it be done. He may know how to push your buttons, but the button pushing began "" No. That's your shit. I don't need to do you anymore favors. We aren't friends anymore." which you say enraged him and I suspect that because you were angry (rightfully) at being woke up in the middle of the night, that was the intention.

    So far as the getting in a physical fight, particularly for something as childish as saying something rude about somebody that was not even there so did not need to be defended from hurt feelings and that this person never knew...- clearly it was a build up of many things but when the build up of many things results in physical violence to another I cannot possibly find an excuse that justifies it. Anything short of actual defending against physical attack started by somebody else is really impossible to justify in my opinion. Perhaps because I have heard so many excuses for that type of action, which left somebody hurt and the person that hurt them trying to explain it really was justified or not their fault - and far too often becomes a pattern result to a build up of emotions (and makes for a really shitty life for anybody that shares the house with type of response to stress which is just a fancy way of saying domestic abuse).

    I really hope you do get real help to learn how to control your reactions to strong emotions, particularly based on the lack or remorse for the resulting actions. I am not implying in any way that your roommate was "right" or that it is all your fault the friendship went bad - - but the issue with your room mate was already solved- he was moving out and would be gone from your apartment- you had already solved any problem that existed so the physical attack was nothing about solving a problem or situation and everything about a very dangerous and unhealthy response to the situation and I sincerely hope you get help to make certain that type of response never happens again.
  4. Gergin

    Gergin Well-Known Member

    You are right. After I get a second job and am more financially stable. I plan on getting professional help again. I don't know why I felt no remorse after hurting him. This was the first physical alteration I ever had. Being honest, I feel like he deserved it.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I suspect you feel like like he deserved it because you have put up with crap for a very long time and never really did much about it. The act of standing up to people and not taking crap is liberating, and is a very good response and one I hope you keep- just I hope it takes a different form in the future. You are a good person, and I hope you can learn to not let things reach that point in situations by standing up for yourself in the beginning of relationships instead of letting them pile on for a long time before blowing up. It is easier to be happy when you don't feel like you are being taken advantage of or abused. Just be very cautious that the nice feeling of being the "one in control" does not lead down a very bad path.
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Gergin, I'm glad you are actually OK after this kind of thing has happened.

    Kind of awful to have someone intrude, push us around, say dreadful things about issues that set us off! Yes, it is up to us to keep a check on our own reactions/behaviours. That can be hard if we're just learning to do it. But it's doable. And there are some people in the world who intentionally keep pushing with the hope that we will react - and that is hard to deal with. Sometimes such people are "looking for a fight." Still, it's up to us not to give them that fight. That can be very hard to do if they keep pushing.

    I think this messy situation gave you a few good things: your neighbours were kind, caring and good to you - a demonstration that you are a worthwhile person; you learned that you DO have some limits and might want to learn how check your behaviour and not respond to provocation; and last but not least, you do not have that roommate in your life anymore...just unpleasant "memories" of him. I hope you don't dwell on him too much. Sounds like you're well rid of a rather unkind, provocative, insensitive person.

    I'm am really glad to hear that you are planning to get some help. Learning what our buttons are and then how to disengage when someone pushes them helps us to keep people from breaking our personal boundaries and helps us to maintain our own "dignity" in the long run.

    I am sorry you had this encounter with the former room mate. I am glad you have come out of it safe and wiser.