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Is this the point of no return?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Marxx, Sep 11, 2009.

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  1. Marxx

    Marxx Member

    Time as a supreme judge is killing me…

    My family, my job colleagues, my friends, all of them seem to have lost the notion of reality, and worst than that, lost the notion of the ridiculous…

    I don’t want to be force promoted to stupid and ignorant…

    And why every single individual head has to impose their point of view? Why everyone is a dictator? Why everyone is so violent?

    Why is illegal to spank them all? Why do I have to feel so bad to the point of no return, i.e. suicide?
  2. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    You feel bad because there is something wrong in your life that needs to be fixed. What is it? Or maybe it is simply a chemical imbalance in your brain that is causing you to feel suicidal. Poor diet perhaps. Make some changes in your life and the suicidal feelings should go away.

    Not everybody is violent, but the violent people get the attention so it seems more prevelant than it really is. Besides, violence is a survival tactic and a part of nature.

    And spanking is illegal because it is wrong to hit a defenseless child.
  3. Marxx

    Marxx Member

    Hey… adults are no longer defenceless children anymore. That’s no excuse to me, but the law is…

    And what is wrong in my life is a long story which is very hard to explain.

    However, today I’m feeling a little bit more homicidal than suicidal…
  4. Marxx

    Marxx Member

    Everybody says that I am joking and will not do it... they laugh at my face like the stupid kid above... but if I laugh on his face, I'm the biggest monster on earth...

    That's why sometimes I feel homicidal, I want to kill those stupid people that thinks that way.

    But now, looking to the future analysing the past, I see no hope for people like me, that had dreams...

    My own family also laughs in my face... everyone I know doesnt give a damn if their actions screws my life, no matter what.
    But if I take any stand that anyone do not agree, I'm again the biggest monster on earth.

    Even this forum, full of kids fighting to have a day in their lifes, seems a pool full of nothing where a few ones can backflip-no hand and give an hi5 to God!
    That is funny...!

    Maybe we all dont know the meaning of the Universe, life and freedom.

    For me, no freedom, I cannot listen music unless on my car, I cannot ride my motorcycles (in fact both are for sale) unless I use them to go work or doing favours to somebody else, I cannot own the automobile I want (even if I work and earn the money to buy one, i cannot bacause someone in my family is in debt so tight that I have to backup them), and no ride on my skateborad or dirt jum on my bycicles, unless I ride with fat old MF that have to loose the beer belly...

    WTF is going on? It seems like everybody can do whatever they want so selfish that if I say "hey you are steping over my feet..." people answer so violent.

    But if I act like this, (F.OFF), tell the kid above to get lost and die far away so we dont smell it, and include also people around me, well, acting just like them, I am wrong and if I say "hey you do the same", they say its a lie and laugh in my face.
    Worst than that is that people around me in my back act with evil meaning, things happen, the consequenses arises and everybody says is perfectly normal...??????????

    If it is normal, I can tell that I understand the wars, curruption and violence on Earth...


  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Just call me Lucifer...

    Marxx it sounds like you're stuck between being totally angry at others, or totally angry at yourself. And that's a pretty bloody awful place to be. Maybe you would consider telling me some of your story? No-one gets angry for no reason, I really want to know what's happened to you to make you feel so out of control.

    If you don't want to post here, please talk to me via PM (and you don't have to be polite either!)

  6. Marxx

    Marxx Member

    I won’t call you anything… I don’t know you.
    I don’t have to justify myself to you or to others, as I don’t have any justification from anyone for anything. Damage is done.
  7. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    marxx... welcome to the forum. i think Tam was trying to help you and offering you the opportunity to talk which i also assumed you might want to do as you joined a forum that is all about talking.

    we're not asking you to justify yourself. you will find that we're a pretty caring bunch of people and will do all we can to support people who are suffering, to help ease them through lifes burdens.

    so, if you want to talk about it the offer is always open.

    hope that your day is improving :) :hug:
  8. Marxx

    Marxx Member

    This is not a way to escape my problems. Is my wish to leave.

    Unfortunately the damage was huge and I cannot recover from that. I try everyday with no success.

    I can see everything clear, my job, my family, my friend, etc, but to establish balance again in my head regarding me, is impossible. Also tried to smooth things with me doing sports, extreme sports, new activities, etc, but also with no success.
    Beside the damage done, still have all the capacity to respond to challenges, to chat, to practice sports, to do my job and what ever I want, but with no pleasure.
    Even knowing that the path is free and people move way from my front, don’t find any pleasures in life, even doing things I used to do with joy.
    In the last months I really tried to do new social programs, take another view’s, and a bunch of new things, but nothing gives me pleasure to do.

    It is a truly sad situation to be in, but I am conscious that keeping me alive for many years will be a nightmare for me and for those around, since their feelings don’t matter to me anymore or if they are happy, sad or drunk or death
    I am careless, sad, without motives and my smile (when I have no other option) is a forced and cynical, I gave up on people just like people gave up on me.

    So set to myself the goal: keep to the minimum, sell cars (2), bikes (3), motorcycles (4), tools, spares, PC’s and laptops, cameras, etc until I reach the point of only having my job and my house. With the good money I can feed my imagination to find the right way to do it!

    When that wanted day arrives, I am determined to do it consciously knowing that I’ve made the right choice, considering that if I try to fight and react now, will only worst things, and my losses will be bigger than the previous which lead me to this emotional condition.

    I think this plan is good, no one can prevent me to sell my things, and no one can do anything to convince my self to give up on suicide, since that the most important part of me which decides that is already death.

    I am working very carefully on that to make sure I’ll be prepared when the time comes.
    First I will finish what I’ve started many years ago. Then I’m free to leave.

    - this was stuck inside me -
  9. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    From what I read you care alot about the world and the people in it...you are sensitive to the point that it hurts when you see how unbalanced the world is...I can relate because I'm overly sensitive and care too much....Its a painful gift that comes with a big cost....

    I think for your sake you need to stop thinking about others, what they'll say and do, and start taking care of yourself...others don't get their stomach turned over you so why should you worry about them?

    Why not buy that car you want? I'm sure the person who's tight with his/her money can be tight for a while...I mean what will happen to this person if you're dead?
  10. Marxx

    Marxx Member


    I cannot turn back to my family, my job or even everything around me. That would be nice... :biggrin:

    Is their actions that fuck up my own world and still do. Everyday.

    And I'm not worried about the World, only the one that surrounds me.
    If I set my self free, they will assume it immediatly as an ofense and a lack of respect from my side.
    I dont mean one person: but everyone around me!

    Its ridiculous, but is true.

    No problem today: i´m felling homicidal... :tongue:

  11. Marxx

    Marxx Member

    Today will be a struggled to survive, and also to keep my sanity in acceptable levels.

    Lack of will to do anything, can’t see a reason to move on, listening people talking makes me mad, and when people talk to me I’m afraid to answer back because what comes out is always the true, and that hurts people… (These happened moments ago… ugh... forgot people get that offended)

    At night I don’t want to sleep, in the morning I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to drive; walk, watch TV, listen radio, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to watch a movie, to have a coffee, even don’t want to be here or to see those who are my friends, I don’t have nothing to offer and I don’t want anything from them…

    Resuming: I am doing everything by obligation, even those things I used to love, and everything is so boring and tedious that I really might kill myself…

    I cannot cheat my head and make it believe in other thoughts; wish I could do it… it is always the same… boring, grey, the goal here doesn’t exist, the way is nothing but garbage, and Hell comparing to my life is the children’s playground…

    Life is sad because people makes mistakes, the worst of all is when this adult people do not recognize their mistakes and we have to pay consequences of that, being this a moral crime which we, society, started to admit and accept since the mid’s 90’s.
    We always have been forced to see our life’s as an individual act of responsibility but the true is that single act depends on what the people let you do.

    I’m an adult also and afraid to become one of those silly and stupid hypocrite adults… I prefer to be dead, to stop living while I’m alive…

    “WE SHOULD RULE THE WORLD” :biggrin:
  12. Marxx

    Marxx Member

    - it seems that this is my corner - only mine -

    God I’m such a coward… I can’t find the way to isolate myself and die peacefully.

    Everything that is repeatedly and boring is annoying me, making me mad, completely mad… to the point of not willing to listen anyone or to talk to someone.

    Today especially I’m felling very angry, because I feel very attracted to someone special but it seems completely absurd to fall in love… since my life have no meaning and I am completely sure that I don’t have anything to offer to her… and with my black bad karma, I know that I will not be able to seduce her…
    Things even look pretty but I know this is another test to my frustration or to my willing to die, for sure.

    Since I already made the mistake to let her know that I feel attracted to her, I am sure (like I will never be rich) that I have to carry the stupidity I’ve done… till the end (hope is not far).

    I’m just showing my feelings but you shouldn’t have to be exposed to this black bad karma. Sorry for being coward... (if I was not I should be gone by now) and I will never disturb this forum no more.
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