Is this too explicit for a school poem?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by letmedisappear, Jun 9, 2012.

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  1. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    So we're supposed to write a poem about a paradox, and this is what I came up with, after my experience in the hospital in the fall. Do you think it's safe to give to a teacher as an assignment for school?

    They locked me up
    That girl
    That thing
    That desperate creature trying to destroy herself
    She tries too hard
    Not focused
    She can’t deal with her own schedule
    She needs some freedom to think

    They locked me up
    Gave me time
    Gave me room
    Let me spread the chaos of my mind on clean white beds
    We will be here to look over her
    Keep her well
    Keep her safe
    We will give her pills that will make her happy and free to think
    And restrain her from driving down into the darkness

    They locked me up
    Wake up
    Go to bed
    A schedule to keep me well and body regulated
    She seems to be getting better
    Life isn’t perfect; it’s unfair and limiting
    But she can free herself from depression by accepting the restraints

    They let me free
    I’m better
    I’m okay
    I’m out of their prison, and into the world
    She’s free to leave, to go home
    To her schedule
    School, and work
    She’ll be fine as long as she frees her mind from depression
    Frees herself from the freedom to ponder into the unknown
    Frees herself from what causes her downs, this philosophy
    Frees herself from her own wretched mind
    Frees herself from what makes her, her
    Frees herself
    So she’ll never again achieve the death that she desires.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You clearly has skills way older than your age...although this is so very sad, and may be too mature for your peers, you are very gifted...clearly, I wish the content of the whole poem was different, as you deserve a different kind of freedom, one of happiness, which it seems by the end you were referring to, but also, I hope you continue to persue a writing career as you are so talented...also, please make sure you continue to get care...being free from depression and its effects takes advocacy for yourself and the wisdom of helpers around you
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    If I were your teacher I'd be very very impressed, but be prepared for the fact that some people can be a little freaked out by that much honesty.
  4. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    I don't have an answer about the appropriateness of this for submission in school. I just wanted to say you certainly have a knack for poetry. Keep at it. :)
  5. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone for the feedback
    I've written some other things, but I don't often finish things I start unless it's for a grade or I'm really motivated... something rare for me :dead:
    To make it a bit less...dangerous, my friend suggested to change "death" in the last line to "goal", so I think I'll do that. Thanks for the support
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Also show someone who is a wise adult IRL your poem so that s/he knows what is going on for you...keep writing and please share them with us
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