Is This Twisted?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SinisterKid, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    March was my first serious suicide attempt. I took a whole lot of pills, was in intensive care for a few days and a coma for a week. I thought I had given myself long enough to die before I would be found. My partner arrived home and with a neighbour they managed to keep me alive until the medics arrived and took me into hospital.

    At first, I thought nothing of it all. I was too messed up really to give it much consideration. But then the anger started to creep in. I am angry that I am still here. I am angry that two people did what they could to keep me here when it was obvious I didn't want that.

    Recently, I am finding it increasingly hard to forgive them for what they did. Why did they not just leave me be? Why should I be grateful for what they did?

    Is it just the depressed mind playing tricks with me, is it usual to feel this way? I have no experience of any mental health issues, so its somewhat confusing. I dislike myself for being angry and unforgiving, but the feelings are growing stronger by the day.
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Sinister, I'm sorry you felt so bad you tried to finish yourself. I'm guessing that your partner saved you because of love, maybe forgive them cause it's a tough emotion to fight against....love. Possibly get some professional help and see if you can uncover the root of why you don't want to live. Take care
    Brian
     
  3. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and thanks Brian. I am getting professional help, its going to be a very long road to recovery, but at least its a road I am now on. From being very fit and active 8 yrs ago, I am now disabled and thats the crux of why I have just had enough.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  4. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    It is indeed depression playing tricks on you, that is what the disease does and like any disease you have to accept and get help for it so one day you will be glad you are still here and that they saved you.
     
  5. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and thanks lost81. Whether I will ever be glad they "saved" me remains to be seen. I hope you are right on that one. Feeling how I do towards people who only had my best interests at heart is not pleasant, but the feelings exist and my hope is I can deal with that, somehow.
     
  6. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    Don't be too hard on yourself. It's the depression that is at fault, not you. Hold on to that hope but don't deal with it on your own. Get all the help you can.
     
    bobbob likes this.
  7. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am my own worst critic. Too much of a perfectionist, not good at handling life anymore, so I am very hard on myself, most of the time. I am getting help, but have to get the medication balance right first [according to the psych anyway] before I can begin to move forwards. Having zero experience of mental health issues means its a very steep learning curve right now, which is draining, but it should help in the long term.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    wow I am going through so many posts here and I can relate to so much it is scary! I was in ICU in 2011 from a serious attempt, whenever I get suicidal again i feel I cannot forgive them for keeping the ventilator on and basically for keeping me alive but it's something we have to just think that it is what is and move on and get help. You say you have no mental health issues, but if you wanted to kill yourself surely there is something not right? Sorry you had to go through this terrible experience and know you are not alone and it is not twisted thinking. It's understandable!
     
  9. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I have no experience of mental health issues back then Petal, so had nothing I could relate to. Now I know different of course.
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Good, glad you know different, would you see a psychiatrist? You mentioned the anger getting stronger by the day, I think you need to get in touch with a professional and get their opinion on what is happening for you :)
     
  11. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Already seeing one, just trying to get medication sorted out so that the mood stabilizes and we get on with some DBT and some work with the OT.
     
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Very good, sounds like you have a positive plan in place. Best of luck with the medications. Please don't get impatient if they don't feel like they are working because either they can take up to 6 weeks to have full effects or you need a different one, that's usually how it goes. Well done for setting up this support system for yourself :)