I have been depressed for so long. Lately, it's gotten so much worse, that I can't hardly make it through the day. I make friends, but every single time, they have use me and threw me aside. Right now, I have NO friends, no family, and nobody who would miss me if I was gone. A situation happened recently that let me know that the one friend I thought I had is yet another person who can't stand to be around me. She called today and said that she was going to punish her son because she caught him smoking a joint. Her punishment? Make him spend an evening with me. I know I am an old lady, but I didn't realize that she hated me so bad, her kids consider me punishment to spend time with me. I put together photos in a collage, and realized that from 2 to 60, nothing good has come from my life, and my life is of no significance. I have nobody, and can honestly say, they have no reason except they just don't need me in their life. This morning, I wanted to throw my computer against the wall, take a knife and cut up the couch, kick the door in, start drinking or doping. It doesn's get any better than this. There is no hope left and the hurt and the anger from pleasing everybody else has made me angry and bitter. I don't have years left to change that. I was in a cult, and despite the humiliation, control and cut downs, I felt more love their than I ever have. I wish I had never left! People has used me up, and there is nothing left. I hate living, people, churches, and life in general. If I had known this was the way it was going to turn out before I joined the cult, I would <edit mod total eclilpse method>, then. Life is way over rated!