Is this what it all comes down to

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nblmbsag, May 24, 2013.

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  1. nblmbsag

    nblmbsag New Member

    I have been depressed for so long. Lately, it's gotten so much worse, that I can't hardly make it through the day. I make friends, but every single time, they have use me and threw me aside. Right now, I have NO friends, no family, and nobody who would miss me if I was gone. A situation happened recently that let me know that the one friend I thought I had is yet another person who can't stand to be around me. She called today and said that she was going to punish her son because she caught him smoking a joint. Her punishment? Make him spend an evening with me. I know I am an old lady, but I didn't realize that she hated me so bad, her kids consider me punishment to spend time with me. I put together photos in a collage, and realized that from 2 to 60, nothing good has come from my life, and my life is of no significance. I have nobody, and can honestly say, they have no reason except they just don't need me in their life. This morning, I wanted to throw my computer against the wall, take a knife and cut up the couch, kick the door in, start drinking or doping. It doesn's get any better than this. There is no hope left and the hurt and the anger from pleasing everybody else has made me angry and bitter. I don't have years left to change that. I was in a cult, and despite the humiliation, control and cut downs, I felt more love their than I ever have. I wish I had never left! People has used me up, and there is nothing left. I hate living, people, churches, and life in general. If I had known this was the way it was going to turn out before I joined the cult, I would <edit mod total eclilpse method>, then. Life is way over rated!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry hun you are feeling so isolated so used. You are not alone here your voice is being heard NOONE here will judge you You keep posting ok you go to chat make new friends ones that will not abuse you
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you found us here. A lot of people here are isolated and alone. Hopefully you can find some comfort in being able to reach out here or to offer some words of wisdom from your experiences to others. You may even find as many have that they can make friends here.
  4. nblmbsag

    nblmbsag New Member

    The problem is: I have had to change for everybody else all of my life. Now, I am at 60, and I have nobody to change for, and I don't have a "me" left. I don't know who that is. It hurts so much, and I know that what is left of my life is just an existence. If I ever lose hope in God, it's done. That is all that has kept me alive. My latest "friends" have convinced me the Bible isn't true. I stayed alive because of fear, but now, there isn't hardly any left. I think hell would be better than this...couldn't be much worse
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I would have to ask what makes it so important that you change for anyone? The losing of oneself happens more when the emphasis is not balanced between yourself and anyone else.

    If you're a believer in the bible, others have no right to convince you otherwise, its not their life it's not their choice to make.

    As for the woman who suggested a punishment for her son would be an evening with you, how old is he? If a teen or troublesome in some way, would she not just mean it to get him to learn respect? Have you actually spoke to her about that?
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