Grandmother gone from cancer but I still feel I'm failing her. My best friend gone, the only family that ever accepted me for me. I feel like giving up at times, like its so hard to hold on. Enduring through the storm, I feel like I'm drowning within my own self. I feel so convicted for the mistakes and the idiotic decisions that I made in my life. My heart is so heavy, tears constantly build up from the pain I put myself through. My boys, I think about them everyday and what a dead beat of a father they have. I miss my grandma and its so hard to let her go. What she has done for me is in vain. All the money she spent on me was for nothing. Faith is all I have. The flesh is not important to me anymore. It took me to get shot in my mouth to open up my eyes that life is so precious but have you made that change within yourself yet? A new person must be born out of all the termoil one is going through. Either give up, or go out into the world and finally do what you were born to do. Fear is the only feeling that sets us back from becoming who we really are, different from most. People envy us in reality because they're not like us. We are who we are. Yes, right as I'm writing this my heart is heavy, and at times I feel like giving up but honestly where would that get me? NOWHERE! The real test is accepting who you truly are and rising above life's obstacles no matter the outcome. Stand on your own feet with courage when others will oppose you. I apologize to my grandma everyday to forgive me for what a son she raised. I feel so helpless. I would've took her place in a heartbeat. Seeing her like that is still killing me till this day. I've never experienced someone that close to me die. My heart, my everything gone. The look on her face when she knew she was going to die, I can never forget the time she took her last breath. "I can't wait to see you Mom, you raised me when my own mom gave up on me, neglected me, especially disrespected me. Im going to try my hardest Mom to make it! All I can do is try, and I know you're right there with me, no matter how big the mountain is. Through death I pray I'll see you again. I'm talented so, I guess failure is not an option right? Sure, because your right there besides me. I Love you." R.I.P. My Grandma who raised me as her own April 7,1938-July 31,2012. If ya heart is heavy just do something you love to do. THANK YOU SF!!! I LOVE YOU!